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One Florida teenager died after at least two teens took turns shooting at each other while they wore body armor. In other news, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet has temporarily discontinued sales of body armor.

Adidas terminated its partnership with Kanye West over his antsemitic remarks. West said that, in addition to Parler, he’ll buy the rights to, and reopen, Payless Shoe Source.

WhatsApp suffered a serious outage on Tuesday, as technicians worked feverishly to restore users ability to send and receive encrypted nude photos.

Real estate site Point2 claims there are only four cities in the U.S. where the average American can afford a ‘starter home’: Detroit; Memphis; Tulsa; and Oklahoma City. Point2 admits they could probably afford North Dakota, but admit nobody really wants to live there.

A global helium shortage threatens the viability of MRIs, which need liquid helium to cool the magnets inside. Doctors say they’re prepared with a tried-and-true backup plan: unnecessary surgery.

President Joe Biden tweeted the federal deficit was reduced by $1.4 trillion, so maybe he’ll get Ukraine those guided missile defense systems for Christmas, after all!

A Michigan man was arrested and charged after a TikTok video showed him abusing a child. People who watched the video were then served up 50 more videos of other people hurting children.

Utah recorded their first human-caused avalanche of the year in the Wasatch Mountain Range. This followed several avalanches caused by coyotes hoping to kill birds using Acme-brand detonators.

A German doctor was ordered to pay the $13,000 medical costs of a woman who overdosed and died after he covered his penis in cocaine before she performed oral sex. The doctor argued he should only pay $12,965 dollars since the woman hadn’t made her copay.

Five tourists were stuck in Grand Canyon Caverns for 26 hours when an elevator used to exit the caverns stopped working. They said it wouldn’t have been so bad, but the mules they rode to the bottom were in the elevator with them.

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Joe Biden issued an Executive Order directing the U.S. Postal Service to use electric vehicles. “Electric vehicles” meaning mail trucks, and robots trained to deliver mail slowly to the wrong house.

Anti-violence groups in Philadelphia held a gun buyback event, where each gun could be exchanged for $100 in grocery store gift cards. In other news, police are seeking an armed robber who stole 100 guns and $10,000 in grocery store gift cards.

United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres urged the forming of a global alliance to end white supremacy & neo-Nazism. The effort would be led by Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell was permanently suspended from Twitter for spreading lies about the presidential election. He took to Parler and Gab to say he won’t end the pillow fight.

A court in India ruled that groping over clothing without skin-on-skin contact is not sexual assault. The ruling was followed by a groundbreaking ceremony for a new Trump hotel and golf complex in India.

Pizza Hut announced the nationwide rollout of a new Detroit-style pizza. They say it’s thick like a Chicago-style pizza, only rectangular, and you don’t have to shoot the driver delivering it.

A judge ordered the surveillance sex video of New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft at Orchids of Asia spa be destroyed. The workers can still keep their Super Bowl rings.

Canadian legislators voted unanimously to designate the Proud Boys a white supremacist terrorist group. Or, as they’re known in Canada, the Prood Buys.

Kellyanne Conway is accused of posting a topless image of her 16-year-old daughter on Twitter. “And you suspend ME?” said the My Pillow guy.

Cops in Arizona are looking for prison escapees who used a large air conditioning unit as a battering ram to access a closet for tools used in their escape. Remaining inmates are waiting to beat the sh*t out of them for breaking the air conditioner.

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Nestle is recalling some pepperoni Hot Pockets because they may contain hard plastic and glass. The contamination was noticed by factory workers, but not a single person eating pepperoni Hot Pockets.

Fiat Chrysler merged with Peugeot to form the 4th-largest global automaker, Stellantis. Get ready to say “my Stellantis broke down”.

In advance of Inauguration Day, Los Angeles Police fortified security at the L.A. Zoo, fearing rioters could break in and wreak havoc by releasing animals. That, and a dozen baboons have been spotted in MAGA hats.

Legendary music producer Phil Spector died in prison; he hit the Wall Of No Sound.

Los Angeles County became the first in the nation to reach 1 million COVID-19 cases. They were on track to hit it a week ago, but traffic to the testing sites was terrible.

The FBI is investigating a report that January 6th D.C. rioters stole a laptop and plan to sell it to Russia. So far, Russians told the FBI they turned it down because they’re grossed out by Ted Cruz’s porn collection.

Donald Trump may issue 100 pardons on his final day in office. Every pardon comes with a Presidential Medal of Freedom, a ‘Be Best’ t-shirt, and the recipient’s choice of monthly auto-pay from checking or credit card.

Parler is back online. “Ok, where were we?…oh, right, violent domestic terrorism” said a group moderator.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA may stop production on Scott Baio/Kristy Swanson movie ‘Courting Mom & Dad’ for violating COVID-19 filming rules. Producers have already warned the film’s release to a bin at Walgreens checkout may be delayed.

German shepherd ‘Major’ Biden was celebrated at his InDogUration, celebrating his upcoming White House appointment as First Dog. He succeeds Tiffany Trump.

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Cellmate, a chastity sex toy that covers the penis and is controlled by an app, left users at risk of permanent lock-in due to a security flaw. Nevertheless, the Coalition of Gay Locksmiths said they’d be happy to help out anyone who’s stuck.

The Seattle Storm swept the Las Vegas Aces 3 games to 0, winning the WNBA title. Rioters flooded the streets, but that’s every weeknight in downtown Seattle.

Two women shared a Nobel Prize for “rewriting the code of life”. Unfortunately, the rewritten code of life is the CRISPR gene editing tool, not a zero-calorie mojito recipe. [joke h/t to KBM]

Mike Pence’s team reportedly doesn’t want a plexiglass barrier at the Vice Presidential debate – he prefers an opaque curtain so he doesn’t have to see another woman.

Cruise lines are reducing the number of vessels, and some send retired ships to Aliaga, Turkey so they can be torn apart and sold for scrap. Workers tearing down the ships say the hardest part is getting all the bodies of old people out of the way.

QAnon has been removed from Facebook – but remains a proud founding sponsor of Parler.

Slack announced that in 2021, users will be able to send Slack messages to workers at other companies – a breakthrough that will let employees sexually harass people who work somewhere else.

Two more Tennessee Titans tested positive for COVID-19, putting Sunday’s game at risk after last weekend’s was postponed. They may become the first NFL team with a Bye-Bye week.

A Chicago study found four out of five COVID-19 patients showed effects of the disease in their brain. A study of White House COVID-19 patients showed there wasn’t much more damage that COVID-19 could do.

The air leak on the International Space Station is worse than initially believed. But the good news is they can install the new toilet they’re getting next to it.