A New Jersey man received the first-ever successful face and double-hand transplant. “Don’t give me that look” said his girlfriend.

Experts warn the U.K. variant of COVID-19 could be the most deadly, going so far as calling it The British Cooking of Respiratory Illnesses.

In a secret ballot, Republicans in the House of Representatives voted 145-61 to keep Liz Cheney in her leadership post. However, they voted 196-10 to denounce ‘veggie platter’ as the snack served during the meeting.

Back-country skiers have died in separate avalanche incidents in Colorado, Utah, and New Hampshire. In each case, calls to resign have been ignored by local Saint Bernards.

Some Sam’s Club warehouse store locations are ready to administer COVID-19 vaccines, provided you need 50 of them.

Researchers are concerned that a lethal disease killing chimpanzees in Sierra Leone – that’s a 99% DNA match for COVID-19 – will jump to humans. Local health officials continue to to advise humans to stop making out with chimpanzees.

After multiple players tested positive for COVID-19 , the National Women’s Hockey League cancelled its ‘bubble’ season in Lake Placid, New York. It’s a crippling blow to the league, and the two budget hotels in Lake Placid, New York.

Following his positive diagnosis, Michael Strahan returned to ‘Good Morning America’ to say “You don’t want COVID…but you DO want these terrific deals on TVs for the big game!”

The New York Times published an article about Jonathan Jacob Meijer, a Dutch musician who allegedly fathered over 300 children via sperm donation – and boy, is his arm tired.

LEGO announced they’ll refuse to make or sell products based on modern military equipment. Kids wanting to shoot the s**t out of LEGO people will just have to use the Millenium Falcon.