Movie theater chain Regal Cinemas will close 40 locations resulting from their parent company filing for bankruptcy. Remaining inventory of popcorn will be marked down 75%, to $7/bucket.

Prior to his affair with co-host Amy Robach resulting in their suspension, Good Morning America‘s T.J. Holmes allegedly had sex with a 24-year-old intern in his office. On those days, he greeted viewers with “Great Morning, America”.

A woman’s viral TikTok video said it took her three months before she discovered her boyfriend only had one leg. Her realization came when he suggested having sex ‘tripod style’.

Legendary Philadelphia disc jockey Jerry Blavat passed away at age 82. Blavat, known as ‘The Geator With The Heater’ and ‘The Boss With The Hot Sauce’ will be memorialized as soon as his family figures out what rhymes with ‘The Cadaver..”.

For the third time in as many years, hackers obtained the personal information of tens of millions of T-Mobile customers. T-Mobile said the threat is now contained, because every customer has had their data stolen.

Republican Congressman George Santos denied performing as a drag queen in Brazil, despite a photo appearing to show him in drag. Santos then took credit for his undercover work taking down a transgender drug ring operating out of Rio de Janeiro.

The family of a 6-year-old boy who shot his teacher at a Virginia elementary school is speaking out for the first time, saying “the gun was secured”. However, they admit locking it in a Paw Patrol lunchbox wasn’t the best idea.

A Utah woman claims she ‘accidentally’ married her cousin, and had a baby with him. She claims marrying her cousin was an accident despite 75 guests at their wedding receiving two invitations.

Tennis star Andy Murray was furious after being denied a second bathroom break before the fifth set of his eventual victory at the Australian Open, which took over five hours. “Yeah, we’re not cleaning that up” said the ballboys & ballgirls.

Pizza Hut is attempting to set the world record for largest pizza, measuring 14,001-square-feet, inside the Los Angeles Convention Center. They plan to deliver 68,000 slices to area food banks, where food-insecure Angelenos will throw away 500 linear feet of crust.

Lava from the Mauna Loa volcano eruption threatens to take out the main highway running through Hawai’i’s Big Island. Officials have so far refused the suggestion from the Hawai’i Republican Committee to stop it by building a wall.

Prince William’s godmother, Royal Aide Lady Susan Hussey, resigned from official duties at Buckingham Palace after racist questions directed toward a black visitor. It’s the end of a storied career for a shameless Hussey.

The Bidens’ first White House state dinner, honoring France’s Emmanuel Macron, will feature a menu of poached lobster or beef with shallot marmalade – the latter made from Whoppers & Big Macs frozen after the last White House state dinner.

In a People magazine interview marking the 30th anniversary of Home Alone 2, actor Joe Pesci said he suffered serious burns when his burglar character’s head was set on fire. He added that Macaulay Culkin had no sympathy, telling him to get his shine box and get back to work.

ABC Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes each left their spouses after rumors surfaced of a months-long affair. Their Good Mornings were allegedly followed by Great Afternoons.

China is set to loosen COVID restrictions following a week of citizen protests, and the Chinese government’s grudging admission that COVID can’t be beaten out of people.

A bloody brawl broke out between fans at the Colorado Avalanche/Winnipeg Jets NHL game in Winnipeg Wednesday night, resulting in two arrests, and three tryout contracts for the fighters.

A Texas attorney was arrested after firing a handgun at his ex-girlfriend in the bar where she worked. He was released after posting $40,000 bond, which was a very light bail for attempted murder, but still pretty expensive for a few shots.

A Puyallup, Washington barber was shot while cutting an 8-year-old’s hair – apparently the 10-year-old who’d just gotten their haircut wasn’t happy with the results.

In Florida, the CEO of an engineering company was arrested in a motel for attacking his girlfriend with her sex toy, bruising her torso. However the girlfriend said the injury happened before the fight, because the guy is really bad at using sex toys.

Retired NBA player Iman Shumpert and partner Daniella Karagach won Season 30 of Dancing With The Stars, beating out favorites Jojo Siwa and Jenna Johnson – showing America prefers interracial couples to two women together.

A fan attacked wrestler Seth Rollins during a WWE Raw televised match at Barclays Center in Brooklyn. A spokesman for WWE said they’re reconsidering future ‘Bring Your Own Folding Chair’ Nights.

Actor Eddie Redmayne said his Oscar-nominated lead role as a transgender woman in The Danish Girl is one of his regrets, adding a trans actor should have played the part. But look for The Danish Girl Again, starring Edna Redmayne.

Chrissy Teigen revealed she had an eyebrow hair transplant, saying the hardest part was getting the hairs pulled from her upper lip.

Many families are asking relatives to get COVID-19 tests before Thanksgiving gatherings. Many dysfunctional families are asking relatives get COVID-19 so they can cancel Thanksgiving gatherings.

NASA announced a delay in the launch of the James Webb Space Telescope due to an “incident”. Speculation is swirling that the incident is James getting caught pointing it at a woman’s bedroom window.

Good Morning America host Michael Strahan accepted Jeff Bezos’ invitation to ride on a Blue Origin rocket, just as soon as they finish cleaning the seat up after William Shatner.

The United Nations is warning that Afghanistan’s financial system is on the brink of collapse, with 1 out of every 3 households lacking a single goat to pay for goods and services.

Author Gigi Gatewood said she and her husband always forget their actual wedding anniversary, so they celebrate it on Black Friday. Gatewood makes the day special every year by promising a special Bedroom Doorbuster.

Taylor Swift’s 10-minute ballad ‘All Too Well’ became the longest song to hit #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100. However, Daniel Powter’s ‘Bad Day’ still holds the record for #1 song that feels like it lasts 20 minutes.

A New Jersey man received the first-ever successful face and double-hand transplant. “Don’t give me that look” said his girlfriend.

Experts warn the U.K. variant of COVID-19 could be the most deadly, going so far as calling it The British Cooking of Respiratory Illnesses.

In a secret ballot, Republicans in the House of Representatives voted 145-61 to keep Liz Cheney in her leadership post. However, they voted 196-10 to denounce ‘veggie platter’ as the snack served during the meeting.

Back-country skiers have died in separate avalanche incidents in Colorado, Utah, and New Hampshire. In each case, calls to resign have been ignored by local Saint Bernards.

Some Sam’s Club warehouse store locations are ready to administer COVID-19 vaccines, provided you need 50 of them.

Researchers are concerned that a lethal disease killing chimpanzees in Sierra Leone – that’s a 99% DNA match for COVID-19 – will jump to humans. Local health officials continue to to advise humans to stop making out with chimpanzees.

After multiple players tested positive for COVID-19 , the National Women’s Hockey League cancelled its ‘bubble’ season in Lake Placid, New York. It’s a crippling blow to the league, and the two budget hotels in Lake Placid, New York.

Following his positive diagnosis, Michael Strahan returned to ‘Good Morning America’ to say “You don’t want COVID…but you DO want these terrific deals on TVs for the big game!”

The New York Times published an article about Jonathan Jacob Meijer, a Dutch musician who allegedly fathered over 300 children via sperm donation – and boy, is his arm tired.

LEGO announced they’ll refuse to make or sell products based on modern military equipment. Kids wanting to shoot the s**t out of LEGO people will just have to use the Millenium Falcon.

Advocates for the disabled say that Spirit Airlines is leading the way with wide aisles and wheelchair-accessible lavatories. Fully-abled passengers aren’t as happy, since Spirit keeps putting wheelchair passengers in window seats.

Alanis Morissette said she’s going through early stages of menopause while breastfeeding. The hot flashes are so bad, her baby has to blow on the milk.

ESPN apologized for an on-air graphic shown during the NFL Draft. As the Cincinnati Bengals selected WR Tee Higgins, the graphic read that Higgins’ mom fought drug addiction for 16 years.  The New York Giants then selected Tee Higgins’ mom.

A family dog in North Carolina tested positive for coronavirus. The dog’s owners said the saddest part is watching the dog wear a mask and try to lick his own balls. [Story h/t to Michael P.]

Donald Trump plans to force meat processing plants to reopen with new restrictions to protect workers. Trump said he’ll require the hogs to line up six feet apart.

Kim Kardashian has accepted the ‘All In Challenge’ – it’s her biggest All-In Challenge since filming one with Ray J.

ABC reporter Will Reeve went viral for delivering an on-air report for Good Morning America fully dressed above the waist, but wearing no pants. In the morning news business, this is what’s known as a ‘Kathie Lee Gifford’.

The United States now has its 1 Millionth Coronavirus patient, but they were coughing too much to notice all the prizes they won.

An asteroid a mile wide will pass by Earth on April 29th but will not collide with it due to interstellar distancing.

Oprah Winfrey will deliver a virtual Commencement Address via Facebook on May 15th, but Las Vegas casinos are refusing to pay off million-to-one prop bets that Oprah would speak at the University of Phoenix graduation.

126 pounds of methamphetamine were found and seized in a truck hauling Starbucks products in Washington state. Starbucks has delayed the Seattle test launch of the Caramel Mocha Crankuccino.

Katy Perry met Pope Francis. She was assigned ten Hail Marys for kissing a girl and liking it.

A judge ordered a 90-day delay in Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against Trump attorney Michael Cohen, citing Cohen’s possible indictment on federal crimes. Her attorney plans to appeal for a speedier trial, but just in case, Daniels plans to use the 90 days to shoot 120 new movies.

France’s First Lady Brigitte Macron said of her U.S. counterpart Melania Trump, she’s “really fun”, but “can’t go outside”. Macron was referring to the heavy security surrounding Mrs. Trump, but also recalled Melania becoming frustrated after 10 minutes of trying to pull open a sliding door.

A Vietnam Airlines flight crew was suspended for landing on a closed runway at Cam Ranh Airport, stranding passengers since the new, under-construction runway isn’t connected to any others. Several passengers called the delay their Vietnam.

McDonald’s surprised analysts with 1st-quarter earnings that beat expectations, and with at least two-dozen hot fries that spilled out of the container into the bottom of the bag.

Avengers – Infinity War posted $250 million in ticket sales on opening weekend, the biggest in U.S. cinema history. Cheapskates with Moviepass broke their own records sitting through junk after they couldn’t get into Infinity War.

Sprint and T-Mobile agreed to a $26 Billion merger, creating the world’s largest provider of dropped calls.

President Trump thanked U.S. Paralympic athletes for their performance in the Winter Games in South Korea, but curiously mentioned that the games were “tough to watch” – since he didn’t know the numbers for any channels other than Fox News.

One of the jurors in the Bill Cosby trial spoke to Good Morning America, saying one of the keys to his conviction was a 2005 deposition in which the actor admitted to giving quaaludes to women. And that one of the other keys was Cosby doing it about fifty or so times.