The U.S. Postal Service introduced a Yogi Berra commemorative stamp. It honors a guy so dumb, the value of the stamp is ten cents less than whatever you’re trying to mail.
Rescue teams in Japan responded to a call regarding a drowning woman, that turned out to be a discarded sex doll. The doll was pulled from the water, then a half-dozen first responders fought for two hours to see who got to marry it.
NBA star and Khloe Kardashian baby-daddy Tristan Thompson was spotted at a party going into a bedroom with three women and then emerging a half-hour later looking “disheveled”. It’s the first time in several seasons that Thompson has put in 30 quality minutes.
Ping Golf unveiled its newest line of putters, featuring 11 different models you can use to miss from a foot away, then snap over your leg.
Renee Zellweger is reportedly dating HGTV reality star Ant Anstead. Her reps, however, will not confirm rumors she has Ant in her pants.
Kanye West sued Walmart for selling knockoff Yeezy sneakers. Walmart defended their products, saying they’re clearly marked Jaclyn Smeezy Sneakers.
Vice President Kamala Harris plans to make her first visit to the U.S./Mexico border, then keep going until she gets to Cabo.
Hip-hop star Blueface signed on to compete in the Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, in hopes of beating up another celebrity and not becoming Redface.
Astronauts installed new solar panels outside of the International Space Station. They’re hoping it cuts their electric bill so that they don’t have to keep working part time jobs at the on-board Starbucks.
Derek Chauvin will be sentenced today in the murder of George Floyd. He’s being advised by his lawyer to get his affairs in order – and by “affairs” he means a head-to-toe Kevlar-lined prison jumpsuit to protect against daily prison shankings.