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Coolio died unexpectedly at age 59, allegedly from a heart attack in the bathroom. This marks the first time anyone ever compared Coolio to Elvis Presley.

Hurricane Ian delivered devastating winds and storm surge, crippling entire cities on the Gulf Coast. This surprised many, since a Florida Man typically only injures himself and maybe a couple of others.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers may move their Sunday home game against Kansas City due to hurricane damage. Tom Brady refused to criticize Hurricane Ian, since he’s always been a big fan of low-pressure systems.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, Mackenzie Scott, filed for divorce from her second husband, Dan Jewett, after less than two years of marriage, citing not enough Prime Days.

Netflix removed the LGBTQ content tag from docudrama ‘Dahmer: Monster – The Jeffrey Dahmer Story’ following complaints from the community – specifically, the homophobic cannibal community.

Maryna Moroz is the first woman UFC fighter to be featured as a Playboy Centerfold – inducing men looking at her pictures into chokeholds.

Queen Elizabeth II’s death certificate was released to the public, with her cause of death officially listed as ‘Old Age’. Although the coroner took the unusual step of adding ‘but all those dry-ass scones didn’t help’.

Khloe Kardashian stated after an MRI scan that she suffered ‘brain trauma’ from Tristan Thompson’s cheating. Other doctors disagreed with the cause, saying it was headboard-impact trauma from Thompson and several other NBA players.

An unruly fan was removed from a Washington Nationals baseball game after fighting three ushers. His ejection resulted in a box score adjustment to change the official attendance from 83 to 82.

A New York City resident asked on Reddit how to get rid of the smell of a rotting corpse from an adjacent apartment that was impacting his. Suggestions including baking soda, cooking dry coffee grounds, and buying his neighbor a bigger freezer for Christmas.

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A New York City Housing Authority official was caught on video having sex with an unidentified woman during a Housing Authority Zoom meeting. The official was suspended; the woman had her rent waived for the month.

Rapper T.I. – who’s now performing stand-up comedy – was booed off the stage at the April Fools Comedy Jam at Brooklyn’s Barclays Center, just days after he ripped the wig off fellow comedian Lauren Knight during an argument at an open mic in Atlanta. Comedy club owners around the country consider T.I. “ready to headline”.

The Biden Administration and the Department of Justice are expected to crack down on untraceable, home-assembled firearms called ‘ghost guns’. Or, as referred to by lead DOJ Attorney Shaggy: “g-g-g-g-g -GHOST GUNS!!”

Donald Trump endorsed former tv quack Dr. Mehmet Oz for the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Pennsylvania. In turn, Oz looked at Trump’s physique and endorsed him for Mr. Universe.

Rapper Goonew – killed in a recent robbery – was memorialized at a D.C. nightclub with his embalmed corpse standing and leaning against a wall overlooking the dance floor. Mourners said he didn’t exactly look Goo-as-new.

Apple began manufacturing iPhone 13 in India – with students looking for activities during Spring Break.

Tish Cyrus filed for divorce from husband Billy Ray Cyrus. This is the third time their emotional achy has caused one of them to file for marital breaky.

Khloe Kardashian threw a huge, cat-themed 4th birthday party for her daughter, True. Baby daddy Tristan Thompson was interested in attending, since he heard that there was pussy everywhere.

Neurotic persons – those who encounter stress and behave with anger, self-consciousness & anxiety – are more likely to develop cognitive impairments later in life. On the bright side, that means they’ll forget how stressed-out and anxious they are.

Police arrested a Chicago-area man for burying his mother & sister in plastic containers in the backyard and cashing their Social Security checks. The man was jailed, and is no longer a Tupperware salesperson.

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Scientists have identified cases of ‘flurona’ – the seasonal flu combined with coronavirus. In one rare case a flurona patient was bitten by a deer tick, giving them Flurona with Lyme.

A new study claims ‘celebrity-obsessed’ people are less intelligent. Study findings are disputed by the Beverly Hills MENSA chapter, who start meetings at 8p so they don’t miss TMZ.

Taco Bell is selling a $10 monthly subscription service where you get one taco a day. For $20 they’ll bring the tacos to you at Planet Fitness.

Pope Francis said couples who don’t have children and adopt pets instead are selfish and harming humanity. That, and priests don’t derive as much enjoyment out of molesting dogs & cats.

An Amazon warehouse worker urged customers not to buy beverages for home shipping, because their weight and shape damage the machines. The machines, in this case, meaning warehouse workers.

After admitting to cheating on ex Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson sent 100 roses to True Thompson, his toddler daughter with her – one for every pending paternity test for which he’s awaiting results.

Two Texas researchers developed an inexpensive COVID vaccine that they believe will solve the dilemma of raising vaccine rates in uneducated, impoverished third-world areas like remote areas of Asia, Africa , and…most of Texas.

Viral video shows a fistfight at Disney’s Hollywood Studios park in the line for the Toy Story Mania ride, where a guest was punched to infinity and beyond.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson vacationed in the Bahamas, while Kanye West went to dinner with new girlfriend Julia Fox in Miami, as their four children continue to enjoy plenty of free time wherever the hell they are.

BMW debuted a 31-inch theater screen, window dimming & surround sound for backseat passengers in its luxury vehicles. The feature is activated when any backseat passenger says the activaton phrase “are we there yet?”

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Kane Tanaka, the world’s oldest living person, turned 119 on Sunday in Fukuoka, Japan. She is also the oldest living person who’s never received a Starbucks gift card for her birthday.

OJ Simpson posted a video to social media, calling Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Antonio Brown quitting mid-game “unacceptable”. Simpson also called Brown’s history of alleged domestic abuse “acceptable”.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick also addressed the Antonio Brown story, saying his team has a a specific process in place for players with mental health issues, known as the waiver process.

A winter storm stranded motorists for 18 hours on I-95 in Virginia between Richmond and Washington, DC – adding 25 minutes to their usual commute.

A man on his deathbed in suburban Boston confessed to his family that he was a fugitive robber who’d stolen $215,000 from a Cleveland bank in 1969. He died peacefully, happy he never had to return to Cleveland.

NBA star Tristan Thompson confirmed he fathered a baby with another woman while in a relationship with Khloe Kardashian. Thompson wrote to Kardashian “you don’t deserve this” – meaning either his betrayal, or his sperm.

Disgraced Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes was found guilty on four counts of defrauding investors in her blood-testing startup. While awaiting sentincing, she plans to spend time changing her blood testing machines that don’t work into COVID testing machines that don’t work.

The National Hockey League postponed its 92nd game this season, leading to a spike in ratings for TV networks that would otherwise be showing hockey games.

Novak Djokovic will defend his Australian Open tennis title despite being unvaccinated, after being granted a waiver by a panel of independent medical professionals who bet a lot of money on Novak Djokovic winning the Australian Open.

A golfer in Australia had his driver snapped after a giant robber crab attacked his clubs. The golfer triple-bogeyed the next hole and asked the crab to break his putter too.

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Researchers at University of California developed a reusable ice cube that lasts 13 hours without melting or growing mold – great news for blackout alcoholics who like to wake up with their drink still cold.

One of Jeffrey Epstein’s butlers testified at Ghislaine Maxwell’s trial that one of his duties was to clean a two-headed dildo used in Epstein’s massage room and return it to Maxwell’s bathroom. He also testified of the many uses of Dawn dish detergent.

A rare all-white sperm whale was spotted in the Caribbean, acting like it was better than the more common gray and black sperm whales.

HBO executives worried that The Sopranos actor James Gandolfini was going to die because of his alcohol and drug binges. Gandolfini finished the series, but was eventually whacked by his own heart.

Governor Ron Desantis is proposing a 200-person paramilitary force that reports to him, with no federal accountability. However, they may not garner much respect since he wants to name them the ‘Florida Men’.

A Florida bride passed out and vomited from dehydration during her wedding ceremony, then her infant nephew defecated on her dress at the reception. The story was the featured event on the Society Page of the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman’s wife, Emma Coronel Aispuro, was sentenced to 36 months in a California prison for her role in drug cartel activity. She begged the judge for leniency, saying it will take her 10-year-old twin daughters at least a year to build a tunnel to visit her.

A Houston woman claims she’s pregnant with NBA star – and Khloe Kardashian’s baby-daddy – Tristan Thompson’s child, after Thompson spent too much time in the shooting lane.

President Biden’s new COVID-19 policies allow for free at-home testing. Trump supporters are already complaining of false negative results after urinating on the test swabs.

Malls and event planners are encountering a nationwide shortage of Santas this holiday season. “Of COURSE you are, there’s only one, you dipsh*ts!” said a 6-year-old economist.

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Viral video shows an alligator attacking its trainer at a Utah reptile preserve before a good samaritan helped rescue her. The trainer is recovering, and received an overall score of ‘Needs Improvement’ during their annual performance review.

Samples of human brain tissue in lab dishes have grown rudimentary eyes – which they’re using to throw uncomfortable gazes at lab interns.

The TSA is extending its in-flight mask requirement until January. Flight attendants are busily bulking up for fistfights with passengers at Thanksgiving, and airlines are stocking up on red Christmas-themed duct tape.

Mattel created a Barbie doll of the scientist who created the Oxford coronavirus vaccine, only with bigger, pointy breasts.

Florida sanctioned two school districts for mandating students wear masks to prevent COVID-19, and for making kids take gym class to prevent obsesity.

Lady Gaga’s former dog walker Ryan Fischer – shot while walking the star’s French bulldogs – claims he’s homeless and is trying to raise $40,000 via GoFundMe. There’s no indication Gaga has donated, but the dogs each gave one bag of Pupperoni.

In a Twitter thread about terrible movies, Tom Arnold said he was paid for $5 million to play the lead in ‘The Stupids’. A sequel is in the works, it’s about the producers who decided to pay seven figures to Tom Arnold.

Oakland A’s pitcher Chris Bassitt is “conscious and aware” after taking a 100 mph line drive to the head. Also “consicous and aware” – the people who fell asleep at the game and woke up when he got hit.

Scientists found overweight lab mice lost weight when given a treatment that caused them to sweat out natural body oils. The treatment made them skinnier, but a lot more slippery.

In the wake of his most recent split from Khloe Kardashian, NBA star Tristan Thompson posted about “growth”. Specifically, about women who help him grow a lot more than Khloe ever did.

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Thousands of jellyfish are gathering along the coast of Rhode Island. It’s the largest assembly of spineless creatures since the Republican National Convention.

Louisiana’s Zaila Avant-garde, age 14, became the first African American winner in the 96-year history of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. She’s also the first junior high student in Louisiana to get 100 on a spelling test.

ICE plans to limit the detention of pregnant, nursing & post-partum illegal immigrants, angering Border Patrol workers who just got done painting detention centers pink & robin’s egg blue.

California authorities seized $1.19 billion in illegal marijuana trafficked by drug cartels. Then, California dispensaries announced a billion-dollar legal marijuana inventory blowout sale.

The Biden Administration will issue a directive to reinstate net neutrality rules, and allow renters to have greater flexibility in choosing internet service. The guidance says nothing about customer service or raising prices, so ISPs are generally cool with it.

The United Kingdom recently passed ‘right to repair’ statutes, requiring manufacturers make parts available for consumers to fix their own TVs, refrigerators & washing machines. The United Kingdom has also seen a rise in electrocutions.

NBA star and Khloe Kardashian ex-boyfriend Tristan Thompson was awarded $50,000 in a libel settlement against a woman who falsely claimed he fathered her child. Thompson requested that the money be paid in $1 bills.

‘Flip Or Flop’ star Christina Haack claims she smoked toad venom to deal with anxiety issues. She’ll star in a new spinoff, ‘Flip, Flop, Hop & Fly’.

‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic’s ex-husband Dillon Passage announced he has a new boyfriend, John. No last name was given, but it’s speculated he’s John Ordinary.

Kim Kardashian is rebranding KKW Beauty products as she drops the West from her name following her pending divorce. She’s favoring KKK Beauty for Kim Kardashian Kosmetics.

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The U.S. Postal Service introduced a Yogi Berra commemorative stamp. It honors a guy so dumb, the value of the stamp is ten cents less than whatever you’re trying to mail.

Rescue teams in Japan responded to a call regarding a drowning woman, that turned out to be a discarded sex doll. The doll was pulled from the water, then a half-dozen first responders fought for two hours to see who got to marry it.

NBA star and Khloe Kardashian baby-daddy Tristan Thompson was spotted at a party going into a bedroom with three women and then emerging a half-hour later looking “disheveled”. It’s the first time in several seasons that Thompson has put in 30 quality minutes.

Ping Golf unveiled its newest line of putters, featuring 11 different models you can use to miss from a foot away, then snap over your leg.

Renee Zellweger is reportedly dating HGTV reality star Ant Anstead. Her reps, however, will not confirm rumors she has Ant in her pants.

Kanye West sued Walmart for selling knockoff Yeezy sneakers. Walmart defended their products, saying they’re clearly marked Jaclyn Smeezy Sneakers.

Vice President Kamala Harris plans to make her first visit to the U.S./Mexico border, then keep going until she gets to Cabo.

Hip-hop star Blueface signed on to compete in the Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, in hopes of beating up another celebrity and not becoming Redface.

Astronauts installed new solar panels outside of the International Space Station. They’re hoping it cuts their electric bill so that they don’t have to keep working part time jobs at the on-board Starbucks.

Derek Chauvin will be sentenced today in the murder of George Floyd. He’s being advised by his lawyer to get his affairs in order – and by “affairs” he means a head-to-toe Kevlar-lined prison jumpsuit to protect against daily prison shankings.

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La La Anthony filed for divorce from her husband, NBA star Carmelo Anthony. She’s expected to receive a Lot Lot of Al Al Alimony.

An Israeli study finds unhappy marriages lead to premature death of husbands. That, and wives learn to shoot guns during their required time in the Israeli Army. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Las Vegas Raiders defensive tackle Carl Nassib became the first active NFL player to come out as gay. His announcement is expected to inspire a lot of embarrassing NFL tryouts from other gay guys.

An elephant crashed into the kitchen of a house in Thailand looking for food. Disappointed, the elephant sat down and called Grubhub.

Khloe Kardashian said that she’s “done” and will not get back together with baby daddy Tristan Thompson ever again, adding there are other fish in the NBA.

A man fell 500 feet to his death from the summit of California’s Mount Russell in the Sequoia National Park, and a woman fell 30 feet and was injured while trying to grab him. “I’mma wait here” said the third person in their hiking party.

The Trump Organization is suing after New York City terminated a contract with them to manage the Ferry Point golf links in the Bronx. Golfers are also disappointed, because Trump scorekeepers gave every player the course record.

One of the deadliest plants in the U.S. – poison hemlock – is now blossoming in Ohio and parts of Pennsylvania. Children in Ohio and Pennsylvania are busily convincing parents that broccoli is, in fact, poison hemlock.

The PA Ballet officially changed its name to the Philadelphia Ballet. To celebrate their new identity, they’ll kick off the summer season performing Swan Lake With Handguns.

Officials at Cape Cod beaches say there’s a lifeguard shortage, so swimmers may have to “swim at their own risk”. They also say not to be fooled by sharks spinning a whistle in their fin.

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Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and husband of Queen Elizabeth, died at age 99. Prince Harry & Meghan Markle asked for privacy during this difficult time until they can schedule interviews about it.

Amazon warehouse workers in Bessemer, Alabama appear to have voted not to unionize. To celebrate, billionaire Jeff Bezos will give all the workers new pee bottles, and a pizza party where they’ll be served by the robots that will eventually fire them.

Facebook is testing labels on Pages created by people & organizations. So far, the labels include ‘fan page’, ‘satire page’, & ‘public official’ – but could expand to include ‘abandoned page’, ‘conspiracy kook page’ and ‘page Trump is using to dodge his ban’.

Apple is reportedly delaying some new product introductions because of a supply shortage – specifically, a shortage of teenagers to build them.

Singer Chris Brown’s Porsche was damaged in a chain-reaction collision of valet-parked cars outside of an L.A. club. Brown dismissed the accident, saying “I’ve got ten of these (cars)” before summoning an Uber driver he could punch in the face.

A billboard, ‘Matt Gaetz Wants To Date Your Child’, was put up in Florida – paid for by Matt Gaetz.

Khloe Kardashian, who attempted to get an unauthorized, unretouched bikini photo take off the Internet, posted her own unedited photo to Instagram. “Not bad” said her boyfriend Tristan Thompson, while in bed with some woman he hooked up with.

Gene Suellentrop, a Kansas GOP State Senator, reportedly called the arresting officer ‘donut boy’ when he was pulled over on suspicion of DUI. Suellentrop disputed the claim, saying he was just asking directions to the nearest location of Donut Boy.

Japanese doctors performed the first-ever lung transplant from living donors to a COVID-19 patient. All are in stable condition, but the donors need extra time to catch their breath.

An interstate highway outside Philadelphia was closed when a tractor-trailer crashed, spilling thousands of gallons of syrup. Philadelphia police assisted first responders, then sat on guardrails and ate their shoes.