Wednesday Jokes: December 15th

75 NFL players tested positive for COVID-19 in the last two days. Over 100 others submitted COVID self-test swabs covered in ear wax and are believed to have mild-to-severe concussions.

Congress agreed to raise the federal debt limit by $2.5 trillion, with all the representatives & senators splitting the 2.5 trillion spending reward points equally.

A Disney actor playing Cinderella’s Lady Tremaine at Disney World said she, and other English-speaking characters, are only permitted to speak English. If someone asks her a question in Spanish, she replies “beats me..go find the Coco characters”.

New research shows therapods – three-toed, carnivorous dinosaurs – ran as fast as 27 miles per hour when chasing food. Or, even faster if a fresh batch of crab legs was dropped off at the buffet.

Caitlyn Jenner said she won’t return to the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel because they denied her entry for wearing ripped jeans. That, and the ripped jeans showed she hadn’t shaved her legs in a month.

Tenor Andrea Bocelli will perform at a 50-person private New York City event costing $20,000 per ticket. Bocelli is expected to perform ‘Time To Say $20,000′.

Real Housewives of New York cast member Leah McSweeney said she’s giving vibrators to her girlfriends this Christmas. She says they make the perfect stocking-stuffer or, more likely, cozy-pajama-stuffer.

A family in South Africa had a boomslang, a highly poisonous snake, living in their fully-decorated Christmas tree. A snake handler arrived and took nearly two hours to capture it, mainly because the snake kept asking to have its Christmas Card picture retaken.

New York named Keechant Sewell to be the city’s first black woman Police Commissioner. She’s expected to announce that the 19% of NYPD officers who identify as female can wear dark blue sweatpants.

Sibling vocal trio Girl Named Tom won Season 21 of reality singing competition The Voice. They’ll now join other past champions to compete against being forgotten about in a week.

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