Friday Jokes: July 29th

The Arizona Cardinals removed a clause from QB Kyler Murray’s new contract requiring four hours of film study each week after Murray called it disrespectful. Murray puts in over four hours each week thanks to a Pornhub Premium subscription.

Spanish prosecutors say they’ll seek an 8-year prison sentence for global superstar Shakira, who they say failed to pay over $24 million euros in taxes. If they succeed, incarcerated lesbians plan a cellmate lottery to determine who she’ll bunk with.

While hosting a Saudi-funded LIV Golf event at his New Jersey club, Donald Trump said “nobody’s gotten to the bottom” of 9/11. He expects it’ll also take at least 22 years to get the bottom of 1/6.

Washington DC Mayor Muriel Bowser is asking for help processing over 5,000 migrants bused to the nation’s capital by Gov Greg Abbott after entering the U.S. in Texas. She said she wouldn’t be concerned if not for the free AR-15s Abbott gave them as a parting gift.

Record flooding in Kentucky led to the deaths of 15 people, mainly those who’d told friends & relatives they were excited about all the new swimmin’ holes.

Will Smith posted a YouTube video apologizing to Chris Rock for the Oscars slap. Smith added “I’m human and I made a mistake and I’m trying not to think of myself as a piece of s–t”, referring to Collateral Beauty.

Charles Barkley turned down a big-money broadcasting and appearance offer from the LIV Golf tour. Barkley said he arrived at his decision after considering his current network and sponsorship deals, and after reminding himself he sucks at golf.

Monkeys are terrorizing residents of Yamaguchi in southwestern Japan, with some entering homes and snatching babies from nurseries. Parents are happy to get the babies back, but are also glad for a few free hours of monkey day care.

A Reddit user and Cast Member at Disneyland said his pay at the theme park was so low, he turned to sex work in order to make ends meet. He said that pay wasn’t great either, but it was better if he kept the Minnie Mouse costume on.

A video screen toppled at a Hong Kong concert by Cantonese pop group Mirror, injuring two dancers. The show was halted, but the group vowed to continue their Seven Years Bad Luck Tour.

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