Monday Jokes: August 1st

Cat food brand Fancy Feast is opening a two-day pop-up Italian trattoria restaurant for humans in New York City. So far, no one has applied for the short-term job scooping the restrooms.

A passenger entering Australia after a flight from Indonesia was fined $1,874 for failing to declare two Egg McMuffins in their luggage. Australia has strict new biosecurity measures to prevent illness from Indonesian McFoot & McMouth Disease,

Nichelle Nichols, Lt. Uhura from Star Trek, passed away at 89. According to her manager, she’ll only appear at Trek conventions for just two more months.

Someone turned in 62 3D-printed ‘ghost guns’ at a Houston gun buyback event, collecting a $150 gift card for each. The owner said the guns are no good to him anyway, because the bullets fly right through the ghosts.

Spectrum Cable was ordered to pay $7 billion in damages to the family of an elderly Texas woman murdered by one of its employees. Spectrum plans to appeal the award, and raised the family’s bill by ten bucks a month.

Because he got a foot-long back tattoo with Subway sandwich shops new Subway Series logo, a Las Vegas man now gets free Subway sandwiches for life. He plans to eat Subway cheesesteaks and meatball subs every day for the rest of his life – about 14 months.

Applebee’s launched a line of lip gloss that tastes like chicken wings – good news for men who like the taste of chicken wings, and kissing 70-year-old ladies who buy lip gloss at Applebee’s.

The NFL plans to suspend Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson for six games, following its new “one game suspension for every five sexual assaults” formula.

Taylor Swift’s team rushed to her defense after a report stated her private jet took 180 trips in seven months, making her a “climate criminal”. They say the trips weren’t all hers, since she routinely loans her jet out so her two cats can visit out-of-town family.

Elon Musk’s father Errol said he’s not necessarily proud of his billionaire son, and that he needs to lose weight. It’s difficult to know how Elon will react to the stinging criticism from the guy who knocked up his stepsister.

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