Wednesday Jokes: August 3rd

Voters in Kansas rejected a constitutional amendment to ban abortion – dashing the hopes of young women looking for any reason to get out of Kansas.

Comedian Dane Cook, 50, is engaged to his 23-year-old girlfriend, Kelsi Taylor. “Nice set” said fellow comedians, looking at Taylor.

The United States imposed sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s reported girlfriend, Alina Kabaeva. She’s not sure what this means, but is hoping she gets extradited from his bedroom.

Valdir Segato, the ‘Brazilian Hulk’ who injected his muscles with oil to make them bigger, died on his 55th birthday. While the oil may have contributed to his death, the mortician handling the body said it’ll save him a few bucks on embalming fluid.

Tiger Woods reportedly turned down between $700 – 800 million to join the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Woods reviewed the tour itinerary and saw too few stops had Perkins pancake restaurant locations where he could hook up with hostesses.

Investment platform Robinhood is cutting 23% of its workforce, since robbing from the rich crypto and stock traders isn’t doing so great.

Gregory Beaumarchais, a California police officer named Detective Of The Year in 2019, was charged for sending lewd messages to a online decoy posing as a 14-year-old girl. Beaumarchais will likely be fired and pursue work as – and share pics of – a private dick.

Warner Bros. Pictures scrapped plans to air a Batgirl movie on HBO Max after it already finished filming – the latest victim of BatCancel Culture.

Rapper Blueface and his girlfriend were captured on video having a fistfight on a Hollywood street. He’s now Black-&-Blueface.

The NFL fined Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross $1.5 million dollars and suspended him for six games for tampering with Tom Brady & Sean Payton while they were under contract to other teams. Ross said if he knew he’d only be getting six games, he’d have more aggressively tampered with the Dolphins cheerleaders.

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