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Pornhub debuted a new channel of interactive videos that work with “connected male sex toys”. A Pornhub exec said that videos to work with connected women’s toys is in the works, but that guys always come first.

Facebook has hit 2 Billion monthly users – each of whom are really, really pissing somebody off right now.

  • While there are 2 Billion users, your Mom wonders why nobody liked that video she posted.

Bill Cosby issued a statement “the current propaganda that I will conduct a ‘sexual assault tour’ is false.” Cosby went on to say that his sexual assault touring days are behind him.

Chernobyl Nuclear Plant was a victim of a recent malware attack – with attackers downing computer systems in exchange for ransom.  A spokesperson for Chernobyl Nuclear said “eh, things have been worse.”

16 Million Americans in Southern California, Southern Nevada and Arizona are under a heat advisory. Residents are advised to check on elderly persons — or at least the ones that they like.

The CEO of Olive Garden told investors that sales are up 4% this year and that, surprisingly, 30% of their customers are Millenials. The other 70% pay the checks for meals, but 30% are Millenials.

Actress Michelle Rodriguez took to social media to say that the Fast & Furious films need more strong female voices. Producers plan to address her request by casting future movies with more chick cars.

A Verizon exec took a swipe at phone service rival T-Mobile, saying in the wake of a recent outage that T-Mobile “doesn’t work on Thursdays”. T-Mobile scheduled a conference call to address the issue on Friday.

 

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Britain’s government is giving Queen Elizabeth a 78% annual pay raise, from $54.6 to $97 million. The main reason is for repairs to Buckingham Palace, although Her Majesty was seen driving a Lamborghini and sporting a new platinum dental grill.

Pandora CEO Tim Westergren has resigned, following a week of Pandora aggressively suggesting playlists of breakup songs.

Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has delayed the Senate vote on Trumpcare; according to insiders, the bill is “hanging by a thread”. Incidentally, that thread is not covered by Trumpcare.

A global shortage of bee and wasp venom is worrying the medical community, who need the venom for allergy vaccines. The shortage is being blamed on global warming, and on the bees’ & wasps’ demands to be paid a living wage.

Japan’s postal service is selling postage stamps featuring Super Mario, Princess Peach, Luigi and Toad. Donkey Kong and Bowser stamps were pulled since they kept wrecking letters.

Deceased artist Salvadore Dali’s body will be exhumed as part of a paternity suit against his estate. A 56 year old woman claims that she is a legitimate heir; Dali’s family claims their father has been framed.

A Czechoslovakian nuclear power plant angered women by holding a Bikini Photo Contest to determine which interns would be hired. The women were further angered when they found out all of the winners were men.

 

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Chinese officials are cracking down on the latest toy craze – a tiny crossbow that costs a dollar and can shoot toothpicks over 60 feet. One 10-year old boy has suffered eye damage, presumably after his friend tried shooting an apple off of his head.

  • Here in the U.S., illegal imports of the crossbow have been used in several daring daylight candy store robberies.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop.com website was smacked down by NASA for incorrectly stating that “healing stickers” sold on the site used carbon fiber technology from NASA spacesuits. NASA said it was a lie. Paltrow replied saying “Astronauts read Goop.com!”

The White House once again held its daily press briefing off camera. CNN sent a sketch artist to record the proceedings – their first drawing was of Spicer trying to take his colored pencils away.

The Center for Disease Control released their annual survey of teen sexual behavior. Teens stated their top 3 birth control methods are condoms, withdrawal, and pills. In other words, condom breaks, do it anyway, get Plan B.

The contestant contract for ABC’s Bachelor in Paradise was leaked — men & women appearing on the show agree not to hold producers liable even if the contestants are lied to, injured or contract an STD. The contract is supposedly modeled after Donald Trump’s prenup.

Martha, a 3 year old Napoleon Mastiff was named World’s Ugliest Dog at the annual contest in California. Martha’s owner describes her as “snoring, drooling and gassy”. Martha describes her owner as “no picnic either”.

Rumors are swirling that Pandora CEO Tim Westergren will soon be out. He’s tried meeting with the Board of Directors, but they’re using all of their skips to avoid him.