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French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

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The NBA fined Boston Celtics Kyrie Irving $25,000 for yelling “suck my d*ck” at a Philadelphia 76ers fan asking him “Where’s Lebron?” after the Celtics win in Philly. Irving is scheduled to meet with NBA officials who plan to help him with better comebacks.

Researchers in Paris are investigating whether a newly-discovered sketch – which they’re calling Nude Mona Lisa – is the work of Leonardo Da Vinci, or the work of 6th graders who drew bare boobs on the original.

Crowdfunding site WePay shut down a fundraiser started to assist recreational marijuana growers whose farms were lost to California wildfires. The growers then started new online fundraisers, presumably to help them pay for joint replacement procedures.

President Trump disputed Gold Star widow Myeshia Johnson’s claims that Trump did not know her deceased husband’s name when he placed a condolence phone call to her. Trump said he had a ‘very respectful’ call with Sergeant’s wife.

An unsent letter recovered from the body of a passenger on the Titanic sold at auction for $166,000. The letter from a first class passenger reads “My dear Mother. We had good weather while we were in London. This boat is giant in size, but could really use a place for us to swim.”

Several grocery store chains including Meijer, Whole Foods & Albertsons are recalling fresh vegetables distributed by Mann Packaging for possible listeria contamination. The packages mainly contain broccoli and asparagus; concerned parents are calling a free hotline to ask if their kids can contract listeria by staring at the tainted veggies.

Jambalaya served at a Louisiana fundraiser is being blamed for making 49 people sick with salmonella, with the bad publicity causing a delay in Popeye’s launch of its new Jambanella.

The National Wildlife Federation is encouraging Americans not to rake dead leaves in their yard, saying the leaves provide homes for beneficial insects and butterflies. The advice was hailed by the 12 year-old keynote speaker at the National Video Game Association conference.

Celebrity chef Guy Fieri is cooking meals in the parking lot of the Veterans War Memorial in Sonoma for families displaced by California wildfires. Said one diner at Fieri’s pop-up kitchen: “Flavortown tastes burnt.”

President Trump assured Americans that his tax reform plans will not impact 401(k) savings plans, saying that all four hundred and one of them will be left alone.