By |

Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, then several hours later released the ‘3a.m. Edition’ of the album featuring seven new songs, after she remembered seven more guys who’d dumped her.

Elon Musk plans to cut 75% of Twitter’s staff if he buys the company, with the rest hanging on by a Twitter thread.

Netflix added a disclaimer of “fictional” to Season 5 of its series ‘The Crown’, which follows the drama of Britain’s Royal Family, after viewer backlash. However, they still refuse to add a disclaimer of “dull”.

Netflix is also planning to film a new Adam Sandler movie with ‘Uncut Gems’ writer/director partners the Safdie Brothers. Right now it’s only referred to as ‘Untitled Adam Sandler Project And NO, Rob Schneider & Kevin James Can’t Be In It.’

Steve Bannon is scheduled to be sentenced today following his conviction for Contempt of Congress. Bannon is expected to fight the sentence, as well as any requests to get his to shave or shower beforehand.

Girl Scouts of America received its largest-ever individual donation, $84.5 million, from Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. Said Scott, “now get me the goddamned Thin Mints.”

New York City opened a tent camp to house immigrants bused there by southern U.S. states. The immigrants are unexpectedly finding themselves fighting for tents with NYC residents because they’re nicer than their apartments.

Motley Crue and Def Leppard announced a 2023 World Tour, giving fans in South America and Europe the chance to see & hear for themselves that Vince Neil can’t sing anymore.

James Corden, who’d reportedly apologized for his rude behavior to restaurant servers, now says in a New York Times interview “I haven’t done anything wrong, on any level”. This comes as news to anyone who watched ‘Cats‘.

Fashion house Balenciaga terminated their relationship with Kanye West over his anti-Semitic remarks. However, West is expected to sign a deal with Wrangler jeans, who say if they worked with Brett Favre, they might as well work with this guy.

By |

Ariel the Mermaid lost part of her seashell bra during a Disney World Parade. Sebastian the Crab serenaded the crowd with ‘Under The Sea’ as she looked to cover up Over The C’s.

A 7-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero for performing the Heimlich maneuver on a classmate choking on pizza in the school cafeteria. He then punched the same kid for refusing to trade his chocolate pudding for Fritos.

Georgia Tik Tok influencer Kylie Strickland is being investigated for flashing her breasts at two small boys at a swimming pool during a livestream. The boys remained in the pool for several uncomfortable minutes.

Unconfirmed reports state U.S. representatives are working on a prisoner swap, with WNBA star Britney Griner returning to the States in exchange for a Russian arms dealer, future considerations, and a scumbag to be named later.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned amidst multiple scandals including parties during COVID lockdown and failure to act on sexual misconduct perpetrated by one of his allies. The good news is, his awful behavior has earned him reality show offers from three U.S. cable channels.

Apple plans to launch an Extreme Sports edition Apple Watch, with a metal casing & larger screen, designed to withstand the toughest afternoons lying on your couch.

Viral video showed a teleprompter on stage during Motley Crue’s set during their U.S. Stadium Tour, reminding Vince Neil of song lyrics he can’t sing anyway.

The NFL’s hearings regarding alleged sexual misconduct by Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson concluded after three days. Any decision regarding suspensions or disciplinary action will be delayed while everyone unwinds with a relaxing massage.

Kim Kardashian spoke to Allure magazine, telling an interviewer what she has, and hasn’t, put in her face on the day of the interview. She admitted to having a small amount of Botox and a larger amount of Pete Davidson.

Kazuki Takahashi, creator of the hit TV series and trading card game Yu-Gi-Oh, passed away at age 60. Said mourners, “Yu-Gi-Oh no”.

By |

NASA’s Mars Rover found a shiny piece of foil on a rock. It also found an extraterrestrial lying on the ground holding its stomach, then discovered the foil had ‘KFC’ printed on it.

A new study discovered that when cats chew and rub against catnip, it protects them against mosquitoes. Indoor cats still like it just to get wasted.

Vladimir Putin claimed that a cyberattack delayed his planned speech to the St. Petersburg Economic Forum. However, the tech support guy on site claimed Putin kept pressing the wrong function key for the projector.

The Stadium Tour kicked off at Atlanta’s Truist Park, featuring performances from Classless Act, Joan Jett, Poison, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, and the defibrillator used to keep Motley’s Mick Mars and Vince Neil moving.

The state of Hawai’i’ tweeted that there are currently no girls detained in the Hawai’i Youth Correctional Facility. The facility’s annual Hula Contest promises to be an interesting one.

After closing due to the ongoing pandemic, Hong Kong’s iconic Jumbo Floating Restaurant was towed away. To save money, they used octopuses repurposed from the kitchen.

WWE CEO Vince McMahon stepped down after it was revealed he paid $3 million in hush money to a female employee with whom he naked tag-teamed.

USA Today determined a reporter fabricated quotes for 23 different stories, forcing their removal from the green, purple & red sections.

20 juveniles attempted to seize control of a youth correctional facility in Louisiana, but their plan unraveled when they argued about whose Tik Tok they would post the video to.

Jackass star Johnny Knoxville filed for divorce from his wife, Naomi. He’s asking for joint custody of their two children, who will be delivered to him every other weekend by being shot out of a cannon.

By |

Mattel introduced the first-ever Hot Wheels remote-controlled wheelchair toy, modeled after paraplegic daredevil Aaron ‘Wheels’ Fotheringham. The toy jumps ramps and does tricks, but still takes five minutes to get in and out of the remote-controlled van.

Philadelphia public schools will randomly screen students for weapons like handguns and knives. They won’t say where or when, but the school superintendent said they’ll probably focus on days when teachers have Show & Tell.

Fugitive murderer Casey White was captured after a car wreck ended a police chase in Indiana, and his alleged lover – corrections officer Vicky White – died at the hospital. Casey & Vicky: Love On the Run, starring Valerie Bertinelli, premieres on Lifetime this Friday.

Nikki Sixx condemned an unauthorized stage play The Crue: Underneath The Dirt Lies The Truth, which he says uses band trademarks & imagery without permission. Unlike most stage productions, producers cast the Vince Neil role to the worst singer.

Lizzo is introducing Yitty, a new women’s shapewear line. Apparel experts call it “a lot to ask of shapewear”.

Australian police found 110 pounds of cocaine near the body of a diver that had washed up on shore. An autopsy revealed the diver didn’t wait a half-hour after eating lunch before going in the water.

A prison riot in Ecuador left 43 people dead, in what’s being called the Taco Tuesday Massacre.

Jeffery Lamar Williams, 30, aka rapper Young Thug, was arrested for organizing a criminal street gang in his home city of Atlanta. Young Thug will be tried as Adult Defendant.

WNBA players posed for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The shoot lasted several hours, following bikini waxing that took several days.

Britney Spears posted a dozen nude photographs on Instagram. Her fiance reminded her that’s not what it means that she has to be seen by an ob/gyn.

By |

Jim Carrey condemned the standing ovation given to Will Smith as he accepted his Best Actor Oscar. Insiders predict Carrey’s outspoken stance will almost certainly cost him an Oscar nomination for his role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog 2.

Bassist Nikki Sixx said Motley Crue – whose Stadium Tour starts in 10 weeks – haven’t rehearsed together in nine years. He added that lead singer Vince Neil hasn’t sung every word of a song in 30 years.

A former Yale University employee sold $40 million worth of electronics and kept the money, buying luxury cars, real estate, travel, and tuition at University of Phoenix.

Dyson unveiled the ‘Dyson Zone’, headphones with a built-in air purifier for your nose and mouth. It’s for people who like to listen to e*books or music when they use the bathroom at Indian restaurants.

The World Health Organization is investigating hearing problems linked to COVID vaccines. But since COVID already knocked out victims’ taste & smell, they’re less concerned about not hearing farts.

A new study links avocado consumption to a lower risk of heart disease, but researchers warn that it’s still a bad idea to put guacamole on french fries.

Use of disinfectants by pregnant women may increase the risk that their children have eczema or asthma. Pregnant women are advised to douche with something other than Lysol.

Intelligence officials say the North Korean ICBM launch last week was staged – using an older rocket, not new technology. They made the determination after studying the rocket in the propaganda film and seeing a New Kids On The Block sticker on it.

Experts say Russian claims of withdrawal from major Ukrainian cities are false. Their opinions are echoed by Russian hookers, who say they, too, have been misled by Vladimir Putin saying he’ll pull out.

Brooklyn traffic cop Ranjeet Singh is being praised for viral video showing him dancing like Michael Jackson while working busy intersections. Although parents tell their kids to walk a block up the street so they don’t cross near him.

By |

Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

By |

David Gordon Green, director of horror reboot ‘Halloween’ and ‘Halloween Kills’, says the story of the final film in the trilogy will begin with a huge time jump. The film is titled ‘Independence Day‘.

The vehicle of a woman missing for 20 years, who’d left a note saying she was going to drive into the Ohio River, was found in the Ohio River. Officials have not located or identified her body, but are already saying she could have been more specific.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil fell off the stage at a Tennessee music festival, breaking his ribs. His fans wondered if he could ever sing again, then remembered he couldn’t sing before the accident.

Facebook disputes recent reports that its artificial intelligence can’t consistently detect hate speech or violence. They countered by providing evidence of thousands of accounts suspended for telling other users to go duck themselves.

A California woman visiting Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas discovered a 4-carat yellow diamond – and is now engaged to the coyote who gave it to her.

A meteorite crashed through the roof of a house in British Columbia, Canada, landing on a woman’s bed at 11:45 pm, missing her by inches, and wrecking the chances of the guy in bed next to her.

NASA is studying ways to build a wifi network on the moon in the hope of improving broadband availability on Earth. Unfortunately, Comcastronauts have missed two straight installation appointments.

Sean Penn’s wife, Leila George, filed for divorce from Penn after one year of marriage. Seems like it was just yesterday that he was punching the wedding photographer.

Synthetic chemicals called phthalates, found in thousands of consumer products, may be responsible for premature deaths of Americans aged 55 to 64, leading to the immediate recall of new Strawberry Phthalate Metamucil.

Bill Clinton was released from the hospital after treatment for a urinary tract infection, so female nurses are allowed to work on his floor again.

By |

The U.S. is reportedly assessing a leak at a Chinese nuclear power plant. The good news is that radioactivity kills coronavirus. [Story h/t to J.L!]

American middle distance runner Shelby Houlihan was disqualified from Olympic trials for a positive steroid test. Houlihan claims the steroids are from a pork burrito she ate. In other news, the U.S. track team dietician was fired. [Story h/t to T.C.!]

A survey from finance website Wallethub ranked New Jersey as the Number One U.S. state to live in, based on wages, education and the 4th-lowest crime rate in the country. “4th lowest? Get to work!” said New Jersey mob bosses.

Convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein held his head in his hands when learning of his extradition to California from New York to face five sexual assault charges, and when learning that he’ll have to fly coach on Spirit Airlines.

Mackenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, gave another $2.7 billion of her fortune to 286 organizations. Trump children went 0-for-5 on their applications.

Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil cancelled his next scheduled solo appearance after his voice gave out. His band said if he can’t get his voice in shape before their 2022 Stadium Tour, they’ll use recorded vocal tracks and tour as Motley Vanotley.

Two people were hospitalized for injuries riding a log flume at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. The log reportedly “tipped up on an angle”, but then behaved normally once park workers removed dead bodies from the water.

Royal Caribbean delayed its first cruise since shutting down for the pandemic, after eight crew members tested positive for COVID-19, and the buffet crab legs tested positive for being the same ones that were there when they docked the ship.

SpaceX is cleared to reuse its rockets for national security missions. And it was cleared to hold a scrap metal sale of the ones that exploded to raise money for rocket fuel.

Peloton users are being warned that they could be watched by hackers accessing their bicycle’s video screens. In response, the company has postponed the planned Topless Tour de Peloton.

By |

Disneyland’s Avengers Campus opens this week. Admission is only available if you’re contacted by a bald, tough-talking, one-eyed black guy.

A 17-year-old girl was captured on video shoving a large bear off her backyard fence as the bear squared off with her family’s dogs. The bear left, but is biding its time until she’s sunbathing alone in the yard.

JBS, a company that supplies one-fifth of the world with meat, is the latest victim of a ransomware attack. It’s unclear if the meat processor will pay up, but for now, they’re facing off with the attackers in a high-stakes game of chicken.

Elon Musk blamed Tesla auto price increases on “raw materials issues”. Specifically, he needs money from car sales to buy raw materials to rebuild SpaceX rockets that keep blowing up.

Space junk crashed into the International Space Station, breaking a robotic arm. The robotic arm was repaired, but then an astronaut was hit by space junk walking out to sign the cast.

The Biden administration terminated oil drilling contracts in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Environmentalists praised the move, but it also results in the loss of hundreds of good jobs for seals working on oil rigs.

Motley Crue’s Vince Neil had to cut short a solo gig at the Boone River Valley Festival in Iowa because his voice was shot. Worse, his voice failed saying “How’s everybody doing tonight?”

56-year-old supermodel Paulina Porizkova said her beauty regimen involves lasers, and “treatments…where you don’t look like you’ve been mauled by a bear”. Porizkova is facing a defamation lawsuit from the bear that used to do her makeup.

‘Very old’ human remains were found near Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s California estate by landscaping crews doing excavation work. Harry explained that some relatives were in town visiting.

N’Sync’s Lance Bass and husband Michael Turchin are expecting twins. Currently their genders are male and female, but the couple said they’ll accept them even if they’re bi bi bi.