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Irish airline Aer Lingus announced a new policy where they’ll refuse to allow visibly intoxicated passengers on board. Shares of Aer Lingus fell 90% as flights out of Dublin are departing empty.

Amazon is now providing two-hour beer, wine & liquor delivery to Prime members in Texas. Members are told to wait on their porch for a delivery drone flying erratically and wearing a cowboy hat.

The FBI states that cases of in-flight sexual assault by airline passengers are up 66% from 2014-2017. Defendants claim there’s no leg room in coach, and they’re being wrongfully accused trying to climb over women in the aisle seat to get to the bathroom.

In India, technicians repairing an out-of-order ATM found a dead rat and $17,500 in shredded currency in its cash drawer. Police arrested two other rats waiting in a nearby battery-operated getaway car.

Lori McAllen, a clerk for the Oregon Department of Transportation, was suspended after allegedly using Facebook to call for illegal immigrants to be shot at the Mexican border. Attempts to reach McAllen for comment were unsuccessful, while she interviews for a senior position at the Department of Homeland Security.

When Facebook users search for opioid prescription drugs on the platform, Facebook is directing them to a government help line. When Facebook users search for marijuana, they’re being offered great deals on vacations to Colorado and Canada.

The New England Journal of Medicine reported the case of a 32-year-old Russian woman who had documented, via selfies, a moving lump on her face that turned out to be a parasitic worm, Dirofilaria repens, living beneath her skin. Doctors removed the worm, who then told her he’s moving in with another woman who wants bigger lips.

Comedian Tom Arnold said that he’s teaming up with former Trump attorney/fixer Michael Cohen to take down President Trump — and to deliver a long-awaited sequel to The Stupids.

The United States, which had been sending 4,000 container loads of recyclable plastic to China each day, now must find a new destination after China banned the import of plastic waste. Americans are being urged to hold on to their Fitbits until a new solution is found.

ABC Networks announced this fall they’ll debut The Conners – featuring the cast of Roseanne, minus Roseanne Barr. To maintain a conservative political voice to replace Barr’s character, the show will add the role of a babysitter for the Conner grandchildren, played by Scott Baio.

 

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Amazon announced that Amazon Key members can have packages delivered to the trunks of their cars — explaining the rash of drone crashes on the nation’s interstate highways.

Facebook released 25 pages of documents to show how it polices bullying and hate speech. Twitter also released its guide book, ‘How To Improve Your Bullying and Hate Speech’.

Oxford University researchers claim that hydrogen sulfide clouds make the atmosphere of Uranus smell like farts. They added that no human will ever experience it due to -200 Celsius temperatures, but said that if anyone wanted to come close, they could always use a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop toilet in December.

Police making a traffic stop arrested a Delaware woman for operating a “one-pot” meth lab in her Volkswagen Jetta. She was planning to use the money she made to buy an SUV and expand to a three-pot meth lab.

  • One-pot mobile meth labs are apparently expanding in popularity, as more and more Americans deliver for Amazon.

Google announced that it had taken down over 8 million objectionable YouTube videos over the last three months — giving you that excuse you’ve needed to explain why you haven’t watched your friend’s stand-up comedy debut.

Google followed the lead of Apple, Samsung & Twitter and changed its handgun emoji to a water gun. The change was protested by the Wicked Witch of the West.

Comcast has made a $31 Billion acquisition offer for European broadcaster Sky, in a coup to expand its World Class reputation for customer service to a whole new continent.

Global wine production slumped to its lowest level in 60 years in 2017, according to data from the International Organization of Vine and Wine, threatening to make cheap wine more expensive and lower in quality. “Hmm..I detect notes of elderberries, paint thinner and antifreeze..” said an oenophile hobo before wetting himself and falling asleep.

The new Gmail begins rolling out to users this week, featuring Confidential Mode – messages that can’t be forwarded or printed by recipients, and can be made to disappear after being read. The technology is being hailed as a breakthrough by office creeps looking to sexually harass coworkers.

Two former NFL cheerleaders offered to drop their discrimination lawsuit against the league in exchange for a one-dollar settlement and a meeting with Commissioner Roger Goodell. The women want to ask Goodell about their low pay & long hours, and if he has spirit!