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Jennifer Lopez marked her one-year wedding anniversary with Ben Affleck. “Who’d have thought we’d make it this far?” she wrote.

Charles Martinet – who’s voiced Mario in Nintendo video games for the last 25 years – is retiring from the role. He said he’d explain, but he’s only allowed to say “It’s a me, Mario”; “Wahoooo!”; and “Ow-ah-ah-ah-ah”.

Domino’s Pizza is closing all 142 of its stores in Russia – saying they’re giving away too many free pizzas after delivery drivers take over a half hour to show up while they dodge Ukrainian drone missiles.

Guatemala’s anti-corruption candidate Bernardo Arevalo is expected to win the country’s Presidential election by over 20 percentage points. He thanked the many Guatemalans voting via absentee ballots sent as they illegally entered the United States.

After scoring the lone goal to secure the Women’s World Cup for Spain in their 1-0 final against England, forward Olga Carmona learned her father had died – making it a truly heart-stopping victory.

Russia’s space agency said its Luna-25 rocket crashed into the moon. President Vladimir Putin shrugged it off, saying he thought there were Ukrainians there.

The American Academy of Pediatrics is urging all states to ban corporal punishment such as spanking in all schools. The request faces fierce opposition from teacher’s associations in Mississippi and Alabama, who say they paid good money for them paddles.

John Warnock, Adobe co-founder and inventor of the .pdf, died at age 82. He’ll be eulogized by an Adobe .pdf Reader.

Adam Sandler’s new Netflix movie You Are So Not Invited To My Bat Mitzvah, debuted with a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes — the “Fresh” 100% for a change.

A CBS News poll of Republican voters says 71% of them believe that what Donald Trump tells them is true. The other 29% couldn’t hear him.

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The Spice Girls officially announced their reunion tour, featuring four of the five original members. Group managers scoured cooking websites researching substitutes for Posh Spice.

Bloomberg reports that senior citizens are rapidly replacing teenagers as fast-food workers.  Older workers are desirable for their ‘soft’ skills like interacting with people, and because they generate less saliva to spit into customers’ food.

NBC News and Fox News are both pulling a Trump campaign ad portraying a migrant caravan traveling to the U.S./Mexico border as invaders and criminals. NBC News said that it was racist, and Fox News said that it wasn’t racist enough.

  • Facebook also banned the ad, but reminds everyone you can still post all the crazy racist crap you want on Facebook, you just can’t pay them to share it.

North Korea said that if the U.S. does not ease crippling sanctions against them, they could restart buildup of nuclear weapons. The North Koreans admitted they’ve dismantled some of their nuclear arsenal, but said it can be rebuilt fast since it’s made entirely out of Legos.

Lowe’s is closing 51 stores, all of which haven’t seen many highs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics wants to ban spanking, saying it does long-term damage to children. They also want to ban yelling at, shaming and humiliating children — leaving many parents asking what’s left for them to do.

Harvey Weinstein asked a judge to dismiss his sexual assault case entirely. The judge invited Weinstein to his chambers, where he sat wearing only a robe, and asked Weinstein for a massage.

Convenience store 7-Eleven is experimenting with self-checkout.  Customers can either use the 7-Eleven app to report what they stole while in-store, or grab cash at any of the unmanned registers if they’re just there to rob the place.

Loyal customers of a California donut shop are buying out the store’s inventory every day so the owner can close early and be with his wife, who’s in rehab after an aneurysm. The owner is also able to say hi to many loyal customers suffering diabetic shock after eating a dozen donuts each day.

Billionaire Bill Gates gave the keynote address at a Reinvented Toilet Expo in China. Gates spoke about safe waste disposal as a jar of human feces rested on a pedestal next to him. After the speech Gates stayed for dinner, while the jar of poop returned to the U.S. where it’s running for Congress as a Republican.

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A UPS driver’s failed delivery note to a North Carolina household has gone viral. Unable to deliver the package, the driver left a company-issued post-it stuck in the mailbox reading “bear in driveway”. The homeowner wasn’t upset, but regrets hiring the bear to wash her car.

Kyle Greene, an independent candidate for Minnesota state representative released a controversial campaign ad where he states “I want to be your n***er.” Minnesota racists expressed their pleasure with a more effective use of tax dollars.

The New York Police Department sent its official beekeeper to remove a swarm of bees that descended on a hot dog cart in the middle of Times Square. The bees were there to express their outrage at tourists asking for ketchup to put on their hot dogs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics updated guidelines for placing children in rear-facing car seats. Old guidelines stipulated children ride in rear-facing seats until age 2; now the Academy says parents should continue to use rear-facing seats as long as children can comfortably fit in them and vomit on road trips.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo debated fellow Democratic gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon at Hofstra University on Wednesday night. Nixon’s team unsuccessfully asked the room temperature be raised from 69 to 76 degress, calling cold work environments “sexist”. Cuomo’s team thought that Nixon, a lesbian, would be okay at 69.

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill designating surfing as the official state sport – disappointing those who had lobbied for the official sport to be either skateboarding, or bitching about Nancy Pelosi.

China’s largest search engine, Baidu, is suing a Chinese comedian – known only as Sun -for posting a joke making fun of Baidu’s CEO Robin Li. The comedian is wondering if Baidu hated the joke so much, how did it end up so high in search results?

U.S. startup Lime is now offering rentals of its electric scooters in Paris, allowing pedestrians to smell that familiar breeze of Parisians not wearing deodorant to come at them even faster.

Sears kicked off store-closing liquidation sales at 13 KMarts and 33 Sears department store locations – for anyone interested in seeing 80-year-old women fighting over the last pair of size 4 stretch pants.

Aretha Franklin’s funeral will be 6 1/2 hours long, featuring multiple musical performances, eulogies, and an appearance by Tyler Perry. Perry chose not to appear as Madea since he was worried mourners would think Franklin had come back to life.