Google unveiled its rival to Open AI’s ChatGPT, dubbed ‘Bard’. It will be available to the general public in a few weeks, but in the meantime Bard will be used by Google’s “trusted testers” to see how well it helps them cheat on exams.

Southwest Airlines and FedEx jets nearly collided at Austin, Texas’ airport when they were directed to the same runway for their takeoff and landing. Air traffic controllers quickly told Southwest to cancel their takeoff since they were so good at it.

Tom Brady said he’ll start his broadcasting career with Fox in 2024, leading to speculation he may try playing again in 2023, or worse – make 80 For Brady: II.

Actress Megan Fox said on social media that she attended Clive Davis’ pre-Grammys party with a broken wrist and a concussion. Fox’s boyfriend Machine Gun Kelly is now known as Blunt Object Kelly.

Sasha Walpole identified herself as the mystery woman to whom Prince Harry lost his virginity, as he described in his book. Walpole worked as Prince Charles’ “stable girl”, caring for his horses, and occasionally helping a young sire out to stud.

Chris Brown lost in the Grammys Best R&B Album category to Robert Glasper, then angrily tweeted ‘Who is Robert Glasper?’. Brown was then informed that Glasper was a) the guy who won; & b) someone who never punched his girlfriend in the face.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis will appoint all five leaders of Disney’s special tax district in Orlando. Their first order of business will be to require Disney & EPCOT to stop teaching Critical Mouse Theory.

Salma Hayek said Hollywood would never cast her in comedies because she’s too sexy, and thanked Adam Sandler for changing that with the ‘Grown Ups‘ films. Hayek said she now wants to be cast in a comedy that’s actually funny.

Rihanna may go on tour following her Super Bowl halftime performance. With Beyonce and Taylor Swift already planning tours, Ticketmaster is bracing for what they call Hurricane RiBeyTay.

Media celebrity Maria Menounos said she’s expecting a baby with her husband after “a decade of trying” – and boy, are their genitals tired.

Twenty-two people were injured when an SUV crashed in to a New York City restaurant. The hostess ignored it for a half-hour because the driver didn’t have a reservation.

The late Pope Benedict’s last words were reportedly “Jesus, I love you” … only he said it to a naked 17-year-old boy standing at his bedside.

Southwest Airlines was hit with its first lawsuit for not providing refunds after cancelling over 15,000 flights. Passengers rejected Southwest’s initial offer of peanuts.

An 87-year-old Philaelphia woman was struck in the shoulder by gunfire while celebrating New Year’s Eve on her front porch. She’s now earned her place as the oldest living member of the Philadelphia chapter of the Crips.

The House of Representatives failed to elect Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House, the first time in over 100 years a Speaker was not elected on the first ballot. McCarthy received only 203 of the required 218 votes needed. Adding insult to injury, 10 votes were received by Deez Nutz.

A 77-year-old man was rescued after becoming stuck in a drive-thru car wash when he hit the accelerator and the car flipped on its side. He was treated for minor leg injuries and hot wax inhalation.

Accused Idaho Four murder suspect Bryan Kohberger waived extradition and was scheduled to return to Idaho Wednesday morning. As of Wednesday afternoon he was still handcuffed in the Southwest boarding area after two flights were cancelled.

Drew Barrymore said the one actor who could convince her to return to acting is Adam Sandler, or someone else with a convincingly big enough check.

Sharon Osbourne revealed that daughter Kelly has welcomed a baby boy, Sidney. They wanted to keep the name at two syllables so Grampa Ozzy has a fair chance at remembering it and saying it right.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ is expected to cause a major flooding event in large parts of California, making real estate even more expensive since more of it will be waterfront.

Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, then several hours later released the ‘3a.m. Edition’ of the album featuring seven new songs, after she remembered seven more guys who’d dumped her.

Elon Musk plans to cut 75% of Twitter’s staff if he buys the company, with the rest hanging on by a Twitter thread.

Netflix added a disclaimer of “fictional” to Season 5 of its series ‘The Crown’, which follows the drama of Britain’s Royal Family, after viewer backlash. However, they still refuse to add a disclaimer of “dull”.

Netflix is also planning to film a new Adam Sandler movie with ‘Uncut Gems’ writer/director partners the Safdie Brothers. Right now it’s only referred to as ‘Untitled Adam Sandler Project And NO, Rob Schneider & Kevin James Can’t Be In It.’

Steve Bannon is scheduled to be sentenced today following his conviction for Contempt of Congress. Bannon is expected to fight the sentence, as well as any requests to get his to shave or shower beforehand.

Girl Scouts of America received its largest-ever individual donation, $84.5 million, from Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. Said Scott, “now get me the goddamned Thin Mints.”

New York City opened a tent camp to house immigrants bused there by southern U.S. states. The immigrants are unexpectedly finding themselves fighting for tents with NYC residents because they’re nicer than their apartments.

Motley Crue and Def Leppard announced a 2023 World Tour, giving fans in South America and Europe the chance to see & hear for themselves that Vince Neil can’t sing anymore.

James Corden, who’d reportedly apologized for his rude behavior to restaurant servers, now says in a New York Times interview “I haven’t done anything wrong, on any level”. This comes as news to anyone who watched ‘Cats‘.

Fashion house Balenciaga terminated their relationship with Kanye West over his anti-Semitic remarks. However, West is expected to sign a deal with Wrangler jeans, who say if they worked with Brett Favre, they might as well work with this guy.

A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.

Herschel Walker is alleged to have fathered a child with a woman, and also paid for her abortion – showing Walker can either run with fatherhood, or pass on it.

Peloton is cutting 500 more jobs, but is offering outplacement to fired workers, giving them names and addresses of Peloton owners so they can go help fold the clothes hanging on their bikes.

Joe Biden and Ron Desantis met in Florida to monitor disaster relief efforts following Hurricane Ian. Biden returned to Washington, but only after removing 100 immigrants that Desantis snuck into the cargo hold of Air Force One.

Kanye West defended his White Lives Matter shirt – writing of white lives via Instagram “THEY DO” mattter. “Well, I guess we’re inviting him to the cookout!” said the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.

Adam Sandler said he has trouble maintaining the same body weight over the course of a three month movie shoot. His frequent costar Kevin James said he has the same problem over the course of an eight-hour workday.

A high school golf team cancelled practice when they arrived at their course to find a local strip club was hosting a tournament featuring exotic dancers. Most of the team left, but a few of them stayed behind hoping to watch or play a few holes.

A woman’s soccer coach at a Texas university was suspended amidst allegations of her ‘making out’ with mens soccer players, and asking her team to loan her bail money after a DUI. She is now evaluating teaching offers from multiple Texas high schools.

SEPTA, Philadelphia’s mass transit authority, announced their new plan for crime, cleanliness and drug use in stations: ignore all of it.

The FBI allegedly tracked ‘Queen Of Soul’ Aretha Franklin for 40 years due to suspected ties to “black extremists”. The newly-released files were titled S-U-S-P-E-C-T.

An American tourist broke two ancient sculptures at the Vatican after he was refused a visit with the Pope. The sculptures are currently being restored, marking the first time His Holiness has blessed tubes of Gorilla Glue.

Reality tv star Stephanie Matto, who’d already started a business selling her farts in a jar, is now selling her ‘boob sweat’ and claiming to make $5,000/day doing so. Most of the revenue is from illiterate moms still desperate for baby formula.

Mothers of newborns are doing their part during the U.S. baby formula shortage by pumping extra breast milk, although many shoppers wish they weren’t doing so in the baby food aisle at the grocery store.

Lucid Motors’ Lucid Air electric sedan won Motor Trend Car Of The Year honors in its first year of existence, the best showing by a first-year automaker since the Yugo GV took 48th place in 1986.

Doctors are advising monkeypox patients to abstain from sex while symptomatic – or, at the very least, to put a condom on their banana.

Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz listed his reasons for regular citizens needing an AR-15 assault rifle, starting with the possibility that the 16 year old girl you just paid for doesn’t think you’re the right guy for her.

Retired football star & Georgia GOP candidate Herschel Walker is mad at Donald Trump, calling him a liar because he claims it was God – not Trump – who convinced him to run for Senate. God said if he got involved in elections, there would have been a different 45th U.S. President.

Both pilots of an ITA Airways jet flying from New York to Italy reportedly fell asleep, losing contact with air traffic control. The pilots cited fatigue from alcohol consumption and cockpit sex with flight attendants.

A man who fathered 15 children via sperm donation for lesbian couples failed to inform them he has a genetic disorder that causes learning disabilities. The lesbians are disappointed, but say they probably shouldn’t have bought sperm at Big Lots.

A New Jersey teenager and geneaology expert solved a 57-year-old cold murder case in Pennsylvania – matching DNA to a bartender who died in 1980. Police exhumed the body to confirm the match and to slap handcuffs on the skeleton.

Netflix, faced with subscriber declines and cost increases, said they’ve reset their feature film strategy, focusing on fewer, better, bigger films – and whatever junk Adam Sandler decides he wants to do.

A Tennessee mother is accused of having sex with nine different underage boys in exchange for vape pens. Like many women, she was only interested in sex if you showered her with Juuls.

A 26-year-old Missouri teacher who had sex with one of her middle school students can no longer be prosecuted because she married him and they left the state. The D.A. and the principal did announce the middle schooler failed health class.

Viral video shows a bear in Northern California breaking into a home and eating leftover KFC it found on the kitchen counter. A different video shows the same bear breaking into an urgent care to treat itself for gastrointestinal issues.

A Utah father was arrested for ordering his 4-year-old son to shoot at police officers while at a McDonald’s drive-thru. A McDonald’s spokesperson said they immediately discontinued the Glock Happy Meal.

Many couples decided to marry on 2-22-22, a once-in-a lifetime date. In several years many men are expected to forget their anniversary anyway.

AT&T is shutting down their 3G wireless network. Now 2008 can no longer call and ask for its Nokia phone back.

Netflix plans to invest $45 million in French-language films to broaden their appeal in European markets. $44 million will be spent teaching Adam Sandler to speak French.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer team – who’d sued USA Soccer over unequal pay with the Men’s National Team – settled their equal-pay lawsuit with USA Soccer for $24 million .. about 80% of what they asked for.

Country singer Sam Hunt’s wife Hannah Fowler filed for divorce, despite being seven month’s pregnant with Hunt’s baby. She’s suing for primary custody, alimony & child support, and to never have to hear a corny song about the whole thing.

A Starbucks employee noticed a teen girl being harassed, so she brought a hot chocolate to her, telling her how to signal for help. The girl ended up being okay, but was pissed at being charged $8 for the hot chocolate she didn’t ask for.

A New York man has a record-breaking 864 tattoos of insects on his body. “Is that a mosquito between your legs or is now just a bad time?” asked a prospective sex partner.

The FAA can levy a $30,000 fine and confiscate the drone of anyone flying theirs within 34 miles of SoFi Stadium around the Super Bowl. A 12-year-old L.A. boy who just wants to see the girl next door naked is expected to ask his parents for $30,399.

Argentinians are being urged to throw out cocaine after opioid-tainted batches killed 23 and put another 80 people in intensive care. The product has been pulled off the shelves of all Argentina Big Lots.

Jackass Forever premiered in theaters on Friday, and is also being considered as the slogan for a Donald Trump candidacy in 2024.

Amazon Prime is raising its price to $139, citing higher costs of shipping & Prime Video programming, and also the money it’s thinking of paying to Joe Rogan’s brother Moe Rogan to start a podcast.

Tesla recalled more than 800,000 vehicles to fix an issue with its “full self driving” software, and is also doing body work on the ones that crashed into telephone poles driving themselves in to the dealership.

COVID-19 cases are now trending downward in every U.S. state except for one. “We’ll get there!” said Alabama Governor Kay Ivey as she rode her donkey into work.

Kohl’s department store board of directors are attempting to fend off a hostile takeover from an activist investor group. It’s believed to the first time anyone’s attempted to acquire a publicly traded company with coupons.

Billionaires want to build “mixed use business parks” in low-earth orbit. And you think your commute is terrible now..

Netflix plans to release over 70 movies in 2022, including Knives Out 2, Enola Holmes 2, Pinocchio, and the rest are Adam Sandler movies.

Former ‘The Bachelorette’ stars Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum announced they’re ending their marriage. ABC announced two new spinoff series: ‘The Divorcee’ and ‘The Dimwit’.

Italian Luca Corberi promised to never race in the World Karting Championship series, after crashing and throwing his kart’s bumper on the track at other drivers. His actions violate rules, which only allow throwing banana peels, turtle shells and bombs.

Google will now identify songs if you sing, hum or whistle them. Then it will beg you to stop.

Donald Trump said at his televised town hall that he can’t denounce QAnon, because if he did, it’ll be QPublic.

Chris Christie said he was in the Intensive Care Unit for seven days battling COVID-19. Then, two New Jersey doctors filed a patent for a method allowing patients to inhale cheeseburgers through a ventilator.

A surprising study from the World Health Organization said four drugs have little to no impact fighting severe cases of COVID-19. They are hydroxychloroquine, remdesivir, interferon..and last, but not least, heroin.

Disney expanded its content warning for racism in its library of animated films, adding racist stereotypes “were wrong then and a wrong now”. Then further adding “but we rake in money off of them then, and are raking in money off of them now”.

Alaina Pinto, a real-life Boston-area news anchor, was fired for appearing in a Harley Quinn costume in Netflix/Adam Sandler film ‘Hubie Halloween’. She was then offered work in an upcoming Rob Schneider film, but said she wasn’t that desperate yet.

A passenger on a Delta Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit claims she woke up from a nap to find a man standing and urinating on her. Even more amazing, he was able to do it from a window seat in coach.

A United Airlines executive is still missing two months after mysteriously disappearing from his home in Illinois. “Did you look in his checked baggage?” asked a different United Airlines executive.

General Mills announced Los Angeles Lakers all-star Lebron James will appear on Wheaties boxes. James then called a press conference to annouce that he was ‘taking his talents to Count Chocula’.

IndieWire called Adam Sandler’s new Netflix film ‘Hubie Halloween’ “the Halloween comedy America needs right now”. Which should give you some idea of what kind of shape America is in.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said that, before his current sobriety, he was drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Lee added that, when the band resumes touring, he’ll need to get back Cerup to three gallons.

Mark Zuckerberg pledged $250 million to local governments, for their use managing elections that Facebook has effectively ruined.

After multiple positive COVID-19 tests in their ranks, all of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are currently under quarantine, making them the Individual Chiefs of the TV Remote.

Scotland shut down Glasgow and Edinburgh bars amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases, telling local drunks “you don’t have to go home lads, but you can’t quarantine here”.

McDonald’s is expanding its McCafe bakery offerings for the first time in ten years, introducing apple fritters, blueberry muffins & cinnamon rolls they made ten years ago.

Joe Biden committed to widespread cancellation of student loan debt, to the delight of deadbeat college grads who still won’t vote anyway.

NBC revealed that audience members were each given $150 for attending the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Asked how they felt about the money, most said “underpaid”.

Donald Trump said he won’t participate in the October 15th debate, after it was changed to a virtual event. Trump said that between tweeting, and shopping Amazon Prime Day on the 13th & 14th, he may run out of mobile data.