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Health officials are concerned that cheerleaders at a tournament in Texas have been exposed to mumps. Worse, officials have to explain to the dumber cheerleaders that boys don’t like girls with big mumps.

Mattel’s Barbie line is introducing 17 new dolls based on Inspiring Women, including artist Frida Kahlo, who is the first ever Barbie to be packaged with tweezers.

President Trump’s legal team won a temporary restraining order against porn star Stormy Daniels, citing numerous precedents of porn actresses using their keen seduction and espionage skills to disarm dozens of Secret Service agents.

The Florida state legislature passed a bill to increase age and waiting period limits on gun purchases, and includes some security measures to arm teachers. Teachers who want to carry guns must be either former military or law enforcement, Armed Forces reservists, or have completed 40 hours of watching Law & Order reruns.

Flippy, a $60,000 burger-flipping robot, is now cooking food at CaliBurger, a restaurant in Pasadena. The robot has already received two warnings about hitting on the women working the drive thru, and cursed out the manager when he couldn’t get Memorial Day weekend off.

Some Amazon Alexa users are reporting a glitch where the voice assistant suddenly laughs out loud. Amazon is releasing a fix, but in the meantime advised men who own Amazon Echos not to walk around the house naked.

Medical workers in Milwaukee report one of the highest clusters of sexually transmitted diseases they’ve ever seen. Officials are calling the strains Gonorrhea High Life and Syphilis Blue Ribbon.

A 14-year-old boy was arrested for impersonating a sheriff’s deputy after pulling people over in Southern California while driving an SUV outfitted with blue & red lights. Locals suspected something was unusual when the deputy didn’t shoot anyone or use excessive force.

British prosecutors dropped charges against a suspect accused of swallowing drugs, after he refused to defecate for 47 days in police custody. The suspect was released, and two hours later EMTs responded to an explosion reported by neighbors at his residence.

McDonald’s inverted its iconic Golden Arches at one of its restaurants to form a ‘W’ in honor of International Women’s Day. Chief Diversity Officer said the move was “to honor the extraordinary accomplishments of women everywhere — like the ones cleaning our disgusting restrooms for $10/hour.”

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An all-Tesla racing league is in the works. Drivers are looking for pit crew members that can change tires and stick the plug in the right way on the first try.

Russian cybersecurity company Kaspersky Lab released findings that one-quarter of the malware found on Android phones used porn videos as the bait – starring Russian porn starlet Kandi Kaspersky.

Uber and Lyft drivers are surprised to learn that each app has implemented a tip limit for passenger payments. “Yeah, can you believe it? It’ll only let me tip you two bucks” say cheapskates.

A private practice nutritionist in NYC says that eating pizza for breakfast is better than eating most sugared cereal, a claim disputed by General Mills – makers of Papa John’s Chocolate Meat Lovers Crunch.

President Donald Trump approved the release of a controversial GOP memo alleging FBI abuse of surveillance, despite “grave concerns” from his FBI director and Democrats. Trump refused to release of a rebuttal document from Democrats, and the D- reading comprehension score he received summarizing the report’s contents.

The report is expected to be made available later today, and will be readable unless you’ve used up your 10 free articles for this month linking the Trump campaign to the Russians.

Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. And Puertotawney Phil predicted at least six more months without power.

Shares of toy maker Mattel fell almost 9% on Thursday, as holiday sales failed to meet expectations. Barbie doll sales were actually up during the holidays, but were offset by disappointing demand for Time’s Up Ken.

A New York City teacher giving a lesson on slavery made several black students lie on the floor, and even stepped on some of them to ‘show what slavery felt like.’ Parents were outraged, although one of the stepped-on students asked for her phone number.

A plot to bombard the upcoming Marvel Black Panther movie with negative Rotten Tomatoes user reviews has been identified and will be monitored by the site. Assistance was offered by the Justice League, but Rotten Tomatoes said “no thanks.”

 

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An expert in the field of concussions called the NFL Concussion Protocol “a fraud” after Indianapolis Colts QB Jacoby Brissett was allowed to remain in the game after a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Brissett was examined in a private sideline tent by an NFL doctor, who asked him to cough.

Children waiting to see Santa at Minnesota’s Mall Of America witnessed several stabbing victims in what officials called a botched robbery at a nearby Macy’s. When they made it to Santa’s lap, those children vowed to be really, really nice.

Bill Gates pledged $100 Million to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. Most of the money will go to research, with the rest used to buy thousands of lucky seniors a new brain.

Russian base jumper Valery Rozov died during an attempted 22,000 foot jump in the Himalayas, part of his heretofore successful quest to jump off the highest mountain on each continent. Rozov was mourned in a statement by his sponsor, Red Bull, who said they wished the drink had given him better wings.

President Trump asked his Chinese counterpart, Li Xinping, to help quickly resolve the case of 3 visiting UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting sunglasses during their team visit to China. President Li said he would personally oversee the players’ hands being chopped off.

The National Weather Service launched Joint Polar Satellite System 1, a new weather satellite promising a “quantum leap” forward in forecasting technology. The weather service said the satellite will improve accuracy and advance notice for severe weather events, but stopped short of saying it will minimize ground-level reliance on large-breasted women in tight skirts.

Toy maker Mattel announced the first Barbie doll to be clad in a hijab. The doll, part of the Barbie ‘Shero’ series of women heroes, is modeled after Olympic fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad. Other Barbies will be updated with side-eye as they watch the Hijab Barbie on the shelf next to them.

Revised heart health guidelines from cardiac research groups mean an additional 30 Million Americans will be classified as having “high blood pressure”. This, after the same 30 Million Americans’ blood pressure spiked a day after casting votes for Hillary Clinton.

Kansas City police stopped questioning a suspect detained for drug & gun charges when the suspect’s flatulence drove the detective from the room. Sean Sykes was eventually charged with three firearms violations and cocaine possession, but has yet to enter a plea since all of his court-appointed attorneys quit. (h/t to John Levytsky!)

Weight Watchers introduced Cense – a new brand of diet wine – and a new variation of its in-person meetings called Weight Watchers Anonymous.