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January 6th rioter Jenna Ryan, a realtor who said she was “definitely not going to jail”, was sentenced to a jail term. Ryan now says she’s “definitely not going to be assaulted in jail”.

Another tough week for rappers – following the deaths of 8 people at Travis Scott’s Astroworld Festival, 10 people died of anaphylactic shock at Popeye’s after eating Megan Thee Stallion’s Hottie Sauce.

An Astroworld Festival planning document instructed security & others to call dead concertgoers “Smurfs”, not “dying” or “deceased”. EMTs called the event the “Smurfiest” they’ve seen, while pronouncing multiple young men & women “Smurf”.

Julia Thompson, 11, had eaten nothing but chicken nuggets her entire life and was diagnosed with ARFID – avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. She was successfully treated and now eats other foods thanks to a hypnotherapist, who made her believe she was a chicken.

Anchor Brian Williams is leaving MSNBC and NBC News. Williams, whose career suffered a setback when he embellished personal stories in interviews, says he needs time off to continue being Batman.

McDonald’s is debuting the ‘Mariah Carey Menu’ next month. Carey said her signature to-go order is a cheeseburger, which she orders with extra pickles, and five extra cheeseburgers.

The creator of Squid Game said a second season is coming, but it’s taking a while to properly film people getting shot playing Duck Duck Goose.

European women’s soccer player Aminata Diallo is accused of ordering an assault on teammate Kheira Hamraoui to give herself more playing time. Diallo has been suspended by Paris Saint-Germain head coach Geoffrie Gilloolie.

Scientists studying murder hornet attacks say honeybees make a noise to alert other bees in the hive of danger. They say the honeybees noise loosely translates to “get the guns”.

Roughly 1 million U.S. kids aged 5-11 will have their first COVID vaccine by the end of the day Wednesday, while several million more will be doing their own research listening to the L’il Joey Rogan podcast.

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CNN declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party this Friday, citing the President’s continued attacks on freedom of the press. The party is seen as a time for reporters to mingle with administration officials, and to hear carolers sing some of the President’s seasonal favorites like “White Christmas” and “Blood and Soil”.

Melania Trump also declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party, saying she has a thing she booked over a year ago.

A New Hampshire doctor who refuses to use a computer lost her medical license, but continues to practice because she never got the email.

Victoria became the first Australian state to legalize euthanasia. Soon, terminally ill patients will be able to box a kangaroo to their death.

Bitcoin topped $11,000 for the first time, leading confused, cash-strapped seniors to turn the pockets of their church pants inside-out looking for one.

Matt Lauer was fired by NBC News after a report of sexual misconduct at the Sochi Winter Olympics. The news was reported by NBC’s Brian Williams, who filed a story that he witnessed the alleged misconduct, rescued the woman and then won a gold medal in men’s alpine ski jumping.

The United Kingdom will allow over-the-counter Viagra sales starting in the spring. The move is expected to create hundreds of new jobs as middle-aged men pay teenagers to go buy Viagra for them.

Marvel Studios released a new trailer for Avengers: Infinity War — depicting Iron Man, Hulk, Black Panther, Captain America, Black Widow and about 20 other Marvel heroes checking their watches 90 minutes into Justice League.

ESPN is laying off 150 more employees, none of whom are Rex Ryan or Randy Moss. Come on, man!

92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury stirred controversy when she said that women must sometimes “take the blame” for men’s sexual harassment. Many reacted in disbelief that Lansbury was actually pretty hot-looking 70 years ago.