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Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson tested positive for COVID-19. Twenty Eagles fans called in to local sports talk radio demanding that he be fired.

TMZ reports Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are trying to ‘save’ their relationship – for at least 13 more episodes.

A salmonella outbreak in 35 states has been tied to red onions from California, with possible cross-contamination to white and yellow onions. The FDA has issued its first-ever ‘hold the onions’ order.

A Florida man bought a new $140,000 Porsche with a fake check he printed on his home computer. He was arrested a day later trying to buy Rolex watches with a different check, and is now waiting for a friend to print a check for bail.

Walmart now has ‘health ambassadors’ stationed at the front of stores in an attempt to enforce their rule requiring face masks – and their lesser-known rule requiring shoes and pants.

Tom Brady posted a photo to Instagram that showed he still uses an iPhone 6. Brady has yet to comment, but it’s probably difficult to move all that video of other team’s practices to a new phone.

A&E Network will premiere ‘Biography: The Nine Lives of Ozzy Osbourne’ on September 7th. The production took years to film, and more years deciphering what Ozzy was saying.

An Australian company is now selling a vodka infused with extreme hot sauce, Bunster’s Sh*t The Bed Infused Vodka. Drink it and you’ll be three sheets to the wind, and two sheets to the garbage can.

Pro wrestling twins Nikki and Brie Bella welcomed baby boys within a day of each other, after each tapped out of the birth canal.

Chinese automaker Kandi plans to introduce a low-cost electric car, the K27, which will retail for around $20,000. However it has a range of just 100 miles, and uses 500 AA batteries.

 

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Lucky’s, an organic grocery store in the midwestern U.S., announced that it’s closing most of its stores. Since it’s organic, their inventory will liquidate itself in a day or two.

Disney CEO Bob Iger apologized and pledged a donation after a licensing arm charged a PTA meeting $250 for showing a DVD of The Lion King at a ‘Parents Night Out’ fundraiser. To avoid Disney conflicts, the PTA announced next month’s DVD will be Naughty Night-Call Nurses 13.

Aurora Cannabis, a Canadian company with aggressive plans for global expansion, announced 500 layoffs. A spokesperson for the workers said “..wait…what?…”

A UCLA analysis concluded that coffee had a “strong and consistent protective association” with prevention of colorectal and uterine cancers; adding the protective effects are achieved by drinking it, not by pouring it in, or near, those organs.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards annouced that he quit cigarette smoking in October, and that he now looks and feels like a 98-year-old.

A study of hospital emergency room visits in 2018 claims 3,800 people sought medical help for pizza-related injuries. They include finger lacerations with pizza cutters, mouth burns, and DDUI – the second D is for Domino’s .

Pregnant WWE wrestlers Nikki and Brie Bella revealed they both conceived their babies in the same place, and – after a lengthy explanatory discussion from their ob/gyn – in pretty much the same way.

Norwegian Cruise Lines is refusing to refund the $32,000 paid by a family who cancelled a cruise to Asia over coronavirus concerns. Norwegian offered the family credit to use on a different cruise where they can contract norovirus and the flu instead.

Finley, a golden retriever in Canandaigua, New York is able to fit six tennis balls in his mouth without any human assistance. The dog’s owners are being bombarded with inquiries about talk show appearances and to see if he has a Grindr profile yet.

Antarctica temperatures hit a record 65 degrees. It’s so warm, penguins are giving seals buzz-cuts.

 

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U.S. Customs in Minnesota seized almost $1 million in counterfeit one-dollar bills in a shipment from China. Later that day, Minneapolis police arrested a Chinese guy who had been in a strip club for 10 straight hours. 

A Florida daycare worker was fired after sending a child home with “Mom, I’m out of diapers” written on his chest & stomach in marker. She then flipped the child over and saw “and would it kill you to send some snacks for the workers?” on his back. 

Mattel is releasing “its most diverse Barbie dolls yet”, that are bald, have skin conditions, prosthetic limbs and wheelchairs. They’re only sold in packages of two so they have someone to play with. 

The written ‘Question & Answer’ portion of the Trump Impeachment Trial commences Wednesday afternoon. So far the top questions are “Can we speed this up?’ and ‘What’s for lunch?’

Jakila Taylor, an 18-year-old Florida woman, was arrested at her high school and charged with luring a man to a robbery after meeting him on Plenty of Fish. Taylor was also stripped of her presidency of the Young Entrepreneurs club. 

Louis C.K. performed a surprise set at a benefit show in New York and was greeted with a standing ovation. He then asked the women in the audience if it was okay that he, too, get visibly excited. 

A Tokyo company has been ordered to pay Nintendo $450,000 for operating an unlicensed service where tourists drive Mario Kart-like karts in game character costumes on city streets. They also face multi-million dollar lawsuits from drivers injured after spinning out on turtle shells and banana peels. 

Billy Joel’s Long Island home was burglarized over the weekend. 12 of his classic motorcycles were damaged, and his liquor cabinet was emptied into a 40-foot cargo container. 

WWE wrestlers Nikki and Brie Bella are both pregnant, with due dates less than two weeks apart. Although they may choose to induce delivery on the same day via body slams. 

Unscrupulous sellers are already attempting to capitalize on the death of Kobe Bryant by selling counterfeit Kobe memorabilia. Experts say shoes and jerseys are the hardest fakes to spot; hockey sticks are the easiest.