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Andrew Yang ended his Presidential campaign, citing difficulty gaining voter recognition from behind his face mask.

The World Health Organization officially named the Wuhan coronavirus COVID-19. Next up, the W.H.O. is throwing COVID-19’s gender reveal party.

Cable company Optimum announced price increases up to $30/month for tv packages, citing “increased costs of programming that you never watch.”

Google Nest home security cameras will require two-factor authentication beginning this spring. After entering the first password, the hacker looking at your kid’s bedroom will ask for the second password sent to your email.

Philadelphia is considering widespread changes to its public bus routes. They claim statistics show buses are running slower than ever; and by “statistics” they mean the number of pedestrians run over by buses.

Cambodia will allow a Holland America cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus to dock, after five other countries refused it. Cambodian officials agreed to let the ship in after the captain told them how much food they had on board.

Pope Francis delayed a decision whether to allow married men to serve as priests in the Amazon region, adding that, until he does, they’re free to keep up whatever crazy jungle love they’ve got going on.

JD Power released its 2020 list of the Most Dependable Vehicles. Topping the list – the Lexus ES. The least dependable vehicle is the one driven by your stoner buddy who said he’d pick you up at the airport.

Scientists have detected an “unexplainable radio signal” from outer space that repeats every 16 days. The scientists have repeatedly attempted to make contact with the signal source, but have yet to win Mötley Crüe tickets.

A new online startup, Ever Loved, promises to disrupt the funeral industry, offering caskets for 50% less than those sold by mortuaries. Although some buyers are put off by the caskets sold as Certified Pre Owned.

 

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Cambodian authorities arrested 10 foreigners for so-called “pornographic dancing” at the site of the Angkor Wat temple. If convicted, they face up to a year in jail, and another year pornographic dancing at one of Cambodia’s many pornographic dancing go-go bars.

A 13-year-old Maryland boy was flown to a hospital to have a large screw removed after it became embedded in his skull during a treehouse-building accident. Post-surgery, the boy told doctors he expected to get screwed in his treehouse, but not like this.

A 7-year-old Miami first grader was handcuffed by local police after hitting his teacher. The boy returned to class the next day and was showered with affection by 7-year-old girls who just can’t help crushing on bad boys.

A 20-year-old Australian college student located secret U.S. training bases via running maps shared by soldiers’ fitness trackers using the Strava app. The Aussie was also able to pinpoint the location of ISIS training cells using maps posted by the My Terrorism Pal app.

Executions are reportedly increasing in North Korea, as more military officers are being accused of corruption, and to keep citizens entertained as the good North Korean tv shows go in to reruns.

Apple is cutting production of its flagship iPhone X after reports of weak Christmas sales, and reports of iPhone X owners getting beat up for repeatedly sharing singing animoji videos.

LPGA Tour golfer Suzann Pettersen said in an interview that President Donald Trump “cheats like hell” while playing golf, usually with the help of his caddie, Stormy.

Travellers are being warned about barefoot walks on tropical beaches after a Canadian couple walking in the Dominican Republic contracted hookworm parasites on their feet. Also, Dominican hookworms are being warned about deportation to Canada.

Volkswagen is under fire after it was revealed that they performed tests exposing monkeys to diesel fumes. VW fired back, saying the monkeys were well compensated, and were already being exposed to diesel fumes unloading trailers at Walmart warehouses.

A new study by the University of Redlands states that in 20 years, up to 65% of jobs in Las Vegas could be automated. These include retail clerks, casino dealers & cashiers and sex robots for Asian tourists cheating on their other sex robots.