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Following extensive repairs, the legendary Battleship SS New Jersey was returned to dock in Camden, New Jersey. The ship now has 10 new exits and three different Roy Rogers restaurants.

Owner of casual dining chain Olive Garden claims Americans are switching from fast food to sit-down casual eateries – then complaining the food doesn’t get there fast enough.

McDonald’s debuted the items in their new $5 meal deal – for $5, you get a $6 discount coupon for a better place to eat.

Electric vehicle owners are finding their cars can lose up to 31 percent of the battery charge in extreme heat. Engineers are working on a system to channel energy from the driver’s ass when they sit on the hot front seat.

Athletes in the Paris Olympics say the River Seine is too polluted to swim in for the triathlon. They say organizers are crazy if they think they’re going to go in Seine.

Louisiana passed a law requiring the 10 Commandments to be displayed in all public school classrooms. The law angered civil rights activists, but Louisiana teachers are hoping it means more Louisiana high school graduates can count to 10.

Mosquitos with West Nile Virus are infecting visitors to Las Vegas. Mosquitos are also raking it in betting the ‘over’ on the number of tourists treated for the disease at local hospitals.

Drug manufacturers are warning consumers of counterfeits for weight loss drugs like Wegovy and Ozempic. In other news, Dollar Tree announced the release of new & improved Wegroovy and Zolympic.

The Supreme Court upheld restrictions barring domestic abusers from owning guns, but go ahead an borrow one if you really need it.

Rite Aid announced more pharmacy closures, but still no clearance pricing on opioids.

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Fans of Architectural Digest are questioning why they chose Kim Kardashian to give commentary on a tour of producer Ryan Murphy’s home for their website. Kardashian defended her interest in architecture, saying she knows a lot about the texture of arks.

NASA is seeking volunteer ‘crew members’ to live in isolation for one year during a simulated mission to Mars. Applicants must have a STEM-based masters-level education and agree not to have unprotected sex on Mars.

Camden, New Jersey preschool students celebrated their 100th day of school by dressing up as 100-year-olds. Some of the kids really got into it, complaining about the applesauce and crapping their pants.

United Airlines diverted a Boston-to-San Francisco flight to Denver after pieces of the wing fell off. Fortunately they were able to fix it with some extra unruly-passenger duct tape and were flying again in no time.

American Airlines is raising its checked bag fees to $35, and promises to do a better job foiling cheapskates by scanning checked luggage for pets and toddlers.

Alabama’s Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos are people. A worker at an Alabama fertility clinic now faces manslaughter charges after forgetting to put the emrbyos back in the freezer after making room for his Popsicles.

Capital One is buying Discover Card for $35 billion. Discover cardholders are hoping they’ll change the name so they get laughed at less often when paying for goods & services.

New York Attorney General Letitia James said she’ll seize Donald Trump’s assets if he doesn’t pay his $345 million fine for fraud. In response, Trump demanded workers crank out 865,000 pairs of his $399 sneakers for James to take.

A duo from China that scammed Apple out of 5,000 iPhones by claiming to run a phone repair service will spend up to 20 years in prison. They were given the opportunity for an alternate sentence building iPhones, but chose prison instead.

In Australia for her Eras Tour performances, Taylor Swift spent a day visiting the Sydney Zoo. She then announced a scathing new diss track for her upcoming album The Tortured Poets Department, titled ‘The Gorilla Won’t Wave Hello Back’.