Harvard researchers say the phrase “How are you?” kills small talk. Although they admit it probably grew in popularity because it works so well getting people to stop talking.

Skeletal remains found in the receding Lake Mead near Las Vegas were identified as a man who disappeared 50 years ago. His death was ruled an accidental drowning while trying out his new concrete scuba gear.

New artificial intelligence-powered glasses project conversation suggestions on the lenses based on what another person just said. It can handle every phrase except “take off those stupid looking glasses”.

Anna Craming, 20, a tournament-caliber chess player who streams games online, said she frequently receives unwelcome remarks from men during matches. The men deny the allegations, saying they were just excited about taking the queen.

Tennis great Boris Becker was released from prison following an 8 1/2 month stint for fraud. He said he was almost killed when he attempted to befriend a fellow prisoner who he thought was a kindred spirit because he was in prison for racketeering.

Rapper Tory Lanez asked a judge to overturn his conviction for shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot, saying the jury was wrongly influenced by a photo of him holding a gun, and by the fact that he shot Megan Thee Stallion in the foot.

Khloe Kardashian answered a fan on social media who asked her if, following plastic surgery, she “missed her old face”. Khloe replied “which one?”.

A women’s water polo player was accused of inappropriate touching during a match. She defended her action, saying the top of the opponent’s suit was the same color as the ball.

70 hippos kept on a compound owned by convicted drug kingpin Pablo Escobar will cost the Colombian government $3.5 million to relocate. They’ll also need a food budget since they can no longer eat Escobar’s drug-trafficking rivals.

Congressmen from New York and Kentucky got in a shouting match after Wednesday’s session over their differences on proposed assault weapons bans. The Kentucky congressman challenged the New Yorker to pistols at ten paces.

Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.