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Campbell/Pepperidge Farm is launching two new plant-based flavors of Goldfish snack crackers, Sweet Carrot and Cheesy Tomato. If you don’t like the new Goldfish, you can always flush them down the toilet.

A man and his pet opossum were kicked off a Jet Blue flight after the man released the animal from its carrier. It took a half hour because the passenger and the opossum both played dead.

New Hampshire enacted a Bring Your Baby To Work law, allowing state employees with infants between six weeks and six months old to bring them to work; just in time for winter, when state snowplow drivers need someone else to take the wheel for breaks.

A couple married for 70 years died minutes apart in Michigan. She passed away, then he decided he couldn’t eat his own cooking.

Indiana state troopers arrested a car thief driving a stolen Toyota with a fake license plate he’d drawn in crayon on a brown paper grocery bag. They requested his license & registration, and he asked for a moment while he got out his crayons and paper bag.

5,700-year-old chewing gum made from birch pitch was unearthed in Denmark, and scientists could retrieve the human genome and food particles from it. It was so well-preserved because it was wrapped in a Bazooka Cro-Magnon Joe comic.

A Florida man surrendered to police, admitting that he masturbated on to a woman in a Walmart toy aisle. Asked why he did it, the man said because the housewares section was pretty dead.

Following a Wall Street Journal exposé, Amazon updated its sellers policy to prohibit them from offering items found in the trash. Amazon said if you want to buy garbage, there’s always Goodwill and Five Below.

Police searching a 75-year-old Utah woman’s home after her death found the body of her husband in a freezer, along with a notarized letter stating that she didn’t kill him. Authorities believe she hid the body to collect his Social Security and Army benefits, and in case she ran out of steaks.

Puerto Rico announced their intent to defy a U.S. ban and continue legalized cockfighting. They say the ban was put in place after construction was near completion on the 15,000 seat Frank Perdue Cockfighting Arena.

 

 

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Trade group Calorie Control Council estimates that the average American will consume 3,000 calories on Thanksgiving. It would take a 180-pound person five hours of jogging to burn those calories, or about two years’ worth of visits if they belong to Planet Fitness.

President Trump is officially dissolving his charitable organization, the Trump Foundation, to avoid conflicts of interest. Specifically, the conflict between Trump saying he’s donating to charity and actually doing it.

Subscribers of Dish Network lost access to local CBS stations resulting from a fee dispute between the two companies. Several rural Dish Network customers who hadn’t heard of the dispute fell off their roofs and died trying to fix it.

The New England Patriots defeated the Oakland Raiders 33-8 in the NFL’s annual Mexico City game. Kickoff was delayed because when players emerged from the tunnel, they were standing at the border of Guatemala.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai introduced a draft order to eliminate net neutrality regulations that prohibit cable & wireless providers from prioritizing or slowing specific content internet content. The move was praised by Comcast, AT&T, Verizon and others, who say customers can trust them to manage their networks fairly, then their CEOs fell on each other in a laughing heap.

CBS and PBS have suspended Charlie Rose amid sexual misconduct allegations from eight women. Rose issued a statement of apology; he offered to read it, but the women didn’t have all day.

Shares of Campbell Soup dropped 7% after the company reported weak earnings, despite adding water to try and stretch them.

British startup bio-bean is teaming with energy companies on a coffee-bean based fuel that will be used in London’s diesel buses. Bio-bean extracts coffee oil from used coffee grounds and mixes it with diesel and other fuels. The founder got the idea after seeing Americans burst in to flames while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

NerdWallet’s 2017 Consumer Holiday Shopping Report is out, and gift-buying Americans say they’ll spend an average of $660 on stuff their friends & family will do a bad job pretending to like.

  • 24% of Millennials are still carrying holiday debt from 2016, mainly because their parents can’t figure out how to Venmo the money so they can pay it off entirely.

Softbank Robotics is trialing programs at elder care facilities for its Nao robot, which is able to lead seniors in exercise, respond to verbal commands to keep them company, and take their jewelry while they sleep.