Hallmark Channel pulled an ad from a wedding planning service because it showed two women kissing. The ad was then reshot with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert as the kissing couple, and Hallmark Channel was contractually obligated to show it.

Government health officials claim excessive use of marijuana can cause psychosis. Marijuana advocates respond by saying that’s the point.

Military officials are investigating whether cadets attending the Army/Navy Game flashed a ‘white power’ hand sign – touching thumb & index fingers with the remaining digits extended – while on-camera at the game. The cadet claimed he was just trying to say he only had to attend three more of these cold, terrible football games.

A New England Patriots videographer taking images of the Cincinnati Bengals sideline last week was suspended by the team for an unspecified period, accompanied by an unspecified promotion and pay raise.

The Oakland Raiders played their final home game before relocating next season to become the Las Vegas Raiders. Team slogans ‘Commitment to Excellence’ and ‘Pride and Poise’ will be joined by ‘Best Buffet & Loosest Slots in the NFL’.

A package thief in St. Paul, Minnesota left behind a handwritten note thanking the intended recipient for leaving it where it could be stolen. Police are baffled because the note was written in cursive with no spelling errors.

Aussie airline Qantas selected Airbus jets for their planned 19-hour nonstop flights from Australia to the U.S. They said they may change their mind and buy Boeing if passengers decide they want unexpected nosedives to help break up the long trip.

After postponing his ‘Big Tour’ for three months to spend time with his family and newborn daughter, Chance the Rapper canceled it altogether. The Big Tour is now renamed the No Chance Tour.

Accuweather meteorologist John Gresiak said 25 million Americans will see varied precipitation on Monday, from sleet to freezing rain, that he calls a “mixed bag of glop”. Thousands more Americans will also see a mixed bag of glop on Monday when they hit the Arby’s drive-thru.

The Department of Justice is investigating an Iowa psychiatric care facility for conducting “human arousal studies” on residents with mental challenges. The study was to determine if people living in Iowa in December could still become aroused.

Southwest Airlines grounded two Boeing jets after finding cracks in a key part – the pilots’ skulls.

Rapper-turned-jailhouse snitch Tekashi 6ix9ine is reportedly planning his post-prison comeback, scheduled to start in the year 20wenty 6ix9ine.

Former NBC employee Brooke Nevils claims she was sexually assaulted by Matt Lauer, while Lauer claims their sexual encounters were consensual. “I can help settle this” said experienced news journalist Maury Povich, dusting off his lie detector.

A company called Future Meat Technologies claims they could have the first lab-grown meat cultivated from animal cells on store shelves by 2022. They could have the first lab-grown veal a week after they start making it.

  • Future Meat Technologies: the other-other white meat.

The NFL upheld its season-long suspension of Oakland Raiders LB Vontaze Burfict for a malicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Burfict has been offered a season-long development scholarship by the UFC.

California utility PG&E is utilizing blackouts to limit the spread of wildfires – and to increase the number of easier-to-control candle-sparked house fires.

A pediatrician said children should start packing their own school lunches starting at age 8. His opinion was published along with a recipe for Sour Patch Kids sandwiches.

Sesame Street is introducing a new Muppet character whose parent struggles with opioid addiction. Producers say the parent won’t be introduced, and will be known only as Shootemupagus.

A family returned from a vacation to find a window broken and a goat napping in the bathroom. The goat was returned to a farm up the road, but the Mom is wondering why the goat had the address and Dad’s phone number programmed into its phone.

A Monmouth University study of 1,100 U.S. adults states that 6% consider candy corn their favorite Halloween candy. Researchers footnoted that at least 6% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of serious mental illness.

A Florida woman said lightning struck her septic tank and exploded her toilet. That’s her story, anyway.

An octopus attacked a Tacoma woman while she posed for a photo. The octopus was charged with sucking her face without consent.

Conde Nast Traveler published a how-to guide for purchasing a bereavement fare from a domestic airline. Step One? Kill somebody.

Oakland Raiders wideout Antonio Brown, dealing with a foot injury, reportedly suffered severe frostbite while using a cryotherapy machine. “Been there!” said a hiker reading the news while freezing to death on Mt Everest.

Travel rewards site The Points Guy named San Diego as the U.S.’ best airport. Orlando was the second-worst, meaning one of the Saddest Places on Earth is the gateway to the Happiest Place On Earth.

Jennifer Lopez shared a photo of an outfit she wears in concert, which fully exposes one of her buttocks. If you want to see all of her big ass, take a picture of Alex Rodriguez.

Lady Gaga told Allure magazine that she wants to have “tons of kids” – and to prove it, she’s sewing all kinds of weird outfits in newborn sizes.

FedEx is ending its contract to deliver packages with Amazon, saying they’ll no longer offer three-day delivery of shipments you paid to have delivered in one day.

An Ohio woman is suing a fertility clinic, claiming her embryo from a 1994 in vitro procedure was fertilized with a stranger’s sperm. As proof, she provided a DNA report that showed a 0% match for her husband, and a close match for the security guard at the clinic’s sperm bank.

Apple and drug maker Eli Lilly are partnering to determine if iPhones and Apple Watches can detect early signs of dementia. One sign may be an elderly person buying an iPhone or Apple Watch and forgetting to bother at least a dozen people showing it off.

Italy’s Mount Etna – Europe’s tallest and most active volcano – erupted, forcing the closure of nearby Catania Airport. The volcano spewed ash and hot lava – although obnoxious Italians insist that you call it ‘gravy’.

President Trump took a phone call from a 7-year-old and asked him if ‘he was still a believer in Santa, because at 7, it’s marginal’.  The 7-year-old then asked Trump what “marginal” means, and the President replied that he didn’t know.

Melania Trump also took a phone call from a 7-year-old girl, who asked how you marry a rich slob. The First Lady told the girl if she didn’t already have her plan in place, she’s late getting started.

Regal the beagle, a canine working for U.S. Customs & Border patrol at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport, sniffed out a six-inch giant millipede in the luggage of a couple arriving from South Africa. The millipede was arrested for cocaine trafficking after a cavity search was conducted with a microscope.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the safest 2019 vehicles. Subaru topped the list with multiple vehicles, to the relief of lesbians who like to text and drive.

UFC 232’s light-heavyweight bout between Jon Jones and Alexander Gustafsson was abruptly moved from Las Vegas to Los Angeles after officials found “abnormalities” in Jones’ pre-fight drug test. The abnormality was that he actually passed it.

As of December 31st, the minimum wage in New York City for fast-food workers and businesses with 11 or more employees will increase; they’ll now receive $15/hour for spitting in tourists’ burgers.

A Kentucky man was arrested for assault after throwing a Christmas ham at a woman during an argument over when to have the family holiday dinner. The man was taken in  to custody, and several pigs living in his backyard are once again worried that one of them will need to replace the main course.

A 32-year-old Florida man was sentenced to 30 years in prison for soliciting sex from a 14-year-old girl. The suspect was arrested at a convenience store when meeting the girl, who turned out to be undercover law enforcement. “Since when are there 14-year-old girl cops?” he asked, still not quite getting it.

The NFL’s Oakland Raiders may need a temporary home in 2019, since their new Las Vegas stadium won’t be ready until 2020. Among the single-season options is Mexico City; imprisoned drug kingpin El Chapo Guzman said he’ll even let the team run on to the field from one of his tunnels.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, 41, reaffirmed his plan to continue playing in the NFL beyond the 2019 season. Brady said he has goals set for at least two more seasons, and he believes that he can achieve them with teammates’ help and referees protecting him.

 

Southwest Airlines bumped a family of four from their flight to Disneyland after receiving complaints from other passengers that the children had lice. The claims turned out to be false, but Southwest managed to retain its reputation for lousy service.

President Trump responded to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s claims of having a functioning ‘nuclear button’ on his desk, by tweeting that he has a bigger button, and that his button works. Anonymous insiders, however, dispute this, saying Chief of Staff John Kelly replaced the Nuclear Football with a vintage Playskool Busy Box painted black.

The Oakland Raiders are under fire for allegedly skirting the Rooney Rule – bypassing minority candidates in advance of hiring Jon Gruden as their new head coach. The Raiders denied this, bringing in NFL legend O.J. Simpson for an interview as proof.

Archaeologists found an ancient cave in China containing 45,000-year-old tools, as well as a carved note from one caveman to another asking when he planned on returning the sharp rock he borrowed.

Roku is launching its own voice assistant to compete with Siri and Alexa. Although at this point it’s only capable of answering “How the f*** do I switch HDMI inputs?”

The Trump Administration is easing fines and penalties that can be brought against negligent nursing homes – great news for the White House nurse who’s been swapping breath mints for dementia meds.

Coachella announced its official 2018 lineup – the festival will be headlined by Beyonce, Eminem, the Weekend, and drugs.

2018 marks the beginning of legal recreational marijuana sales in California, evidenced by the number of visitors to Disneyland asking Goofy ‘you holdin?’

McDonald’s debuts its new Dollar Menu on Thursday. It’s called the 1-2-3, with items priced at one, two and three dollars. Taco Bell is sticking with its current dollar menu, which customers know as the 9-1-1.

A 31-year-old Virginia woman reported missing by her fiancee was found dead inside of her home, in what local police are calling “suspicious, but, like, the easiest search we’ve ever done.”

 

Trade group Calorie Control Council estimates that the average American will consume 3,000 calories on Thanksgiving. It would take a 180-pound person five hours of jogging to burn those calories, or about two years’ worth of visits if they belong to Planet Fitness.

President Trump is officially dissolving his charitable organization, the Trump Foundation, to avoid conflicts of interest. Specifically, the conflict between Trump saying he’s donating to charity and actually doing it.

Subscribers of Dish Network lost access to local CBS stations resulting from a fee dispute between the two companies. Several rural Dish Network customers who hadn’t heard of the dispute fell off their roofs and died trying to fix it.

The New England Patriots defeated the Oakland Raiders 33-8 in the NFL’s annual Mexico City game. Kickoff was delayed because when players emerged from the tunnel, they were standing at the border of Guatemala.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai introduced a draft order to eliminate net neutrality regulations that prohibit cable & wireless providers from prioritizing or slowing specific content internet content. The move was praised by Comcast, AT&T, Verizon and others, who say customers can trust them to manage their networks fairly, then their CEOs fell on each other in a laughing heap.

CBS and PBS have suspended Charlie Rose amid sexual misconduct allegations from eight women. Rose issued a statement of apology; he offered to read it, but the women didn’t have all day.

Shares of Campbell Soup dropped 7% after the company reported weak earnings, despite adding water to try and stretch them.

British startup bio-bean is teaming with energy companies on a coffee-bean based fuel that will be used in London’s diesel buses. Bio-bean extracts coffee oil from used coffee grounds and mixes it with diesel and other fuels. The founder got the idea after seeing Americans burst in to flames while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

NerdWallet’s 2017 Consumer Holiday Shopping Report is out, and gift-buying Americans say they’ll spend an average of $660 on stuff their friends & family will do a bad job pretending to like.

  • 24% of Millennials are still carrying holiday debt from 2016, mainly because their parents can’t figure out how to Venmo the money so they can pay it off entirely.

Softbank Robotics is trialing programs at elder care facilities for its Nao robot, which is able to lead seniors in exercise, respond to verbal commands to keep them company, and take their jewelry while they sleep.

 

 

 

 

Walmart is raising prices of many household goods for sale at Walmart.com, so that shoppers will buy them at Walmart stores instead. Consumer advocates are calling the higher online prices “totally worth it to avoid having to go to Walmart.”

The Wall Street Journal reports that Illumination Entertainment – producers of the popular ‘Despicable Me’ & ‘Minions’ movies – are planning an animated Super Mario Brothers movie. Insiders expect the project to be delayed pending the resolution of longstanding sexual harassment & groping allegations against co-star Bowser.

A federal judge struck down a Kentucky requirement for women getting abortions to have an ultrasound beforehand, when lawyers for the state admitted no one in Kentucky knew how to work an ultrasound machine.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified before Congress for 5 1/2 hours, then forgot about it until he saw himself on the news.

Alabama GOP candidate for Senate and alleged child molester Roy Moore said that Mitch McConnell’s days as Senate Majority Leader are “coming to an end….faster than a 14-old-girl running out of a mall on roller skates..”

Apple faces criticism regarding the security of its Face ID security feature, after a 10-year-old boy unlocked his mother’s iPhone X with his face. The Mom also faces scrutiny from her 10-year-old boy for her gallery full of photos of the UPS guy.

The NFL held a groundbreaking ceremony for the now-Oakland Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas, and uncovered the bodies of several dozen buried mobsters.

A bar in New Jersey boycotted showing Sunday NFL games in favor of a fundraising event for veterans. $8,000 was collected – $3,000 in donations and $5,000 in fines for bar fights and drunk driving.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced that all House Representatives will be required to complete anti-sexual harassment and anti-discrimination training. “Does that include the White House?” asked President Trump.

  • The anti-harassment and anti-discrimination training comes following decades of fully-attended pro-harassment and pro-discrimination courses taken by Congress.

Mozilla hopes to double the speed of its signature Firefox browser with the introduction of Firefox Quantum – a new browser for people who love porn but lack spare time.