Several brands of dry shampoo including Dove, Tresemme & Bed Head were recalled because they may contain high levels of benzene, causing cancerous head & shoulders.

A magnitude 5.1 earthquake hit San Jose, California. All of the iPhones at Apple headquarters in nearby Cupertino were set to vibrate.

Scientists at Stanford University created a 3D rendering of the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus Christ, that bears an uncanny resemblance to Lady Gaga. Although biblical scholars are questioning where & how Mary would get a dress made of meat.

Clorox recalled 37 million bottles of Pine-Sol cleaner because they could contain Pseudomonas aeruginosa, which could harm immunocompromised people. The bottles are identifiable by labels reading: ‘Kills 0.0% of Harmful Bacteria’.

Spotify is considering a price increase as both Apple Music and YouTube Premium increased rates by $2/month and up. Top artists like Taylor Swift and Paul McCartney plan to use their additional royalties to buy a Venti latte instead of Tall.

Forbes magazine claims Kanye West lost ‘billionaire’ status after Adidas ended their partnership with him. In other news, Jewish kids still enrolled at West’s Donda Academy school lost ‘approved vacation’ status for the first day of Chanukah.

Coca-Cola’s CEO said they’re responding to inflation by trying new sizes and packaging for customers with less money to spend. Starting in 2023, they’ll sell bottles containing one sip.

Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders are both opposed to the pending $25 billion merger between grocery giants Kroger & Albertson’s, with each questioning what will happen to the 30-cents-a-gallon in gas reward points they’ve saved up.

Medical experts are advising when to get the updated COVID booster shot before Thanksgiving, saying two weeks before the holiday is best, or to get it the day before, since you’ll be so sick & tired on Thanksgiving you can’t go.

Las Vegas Golden Knights forward Phil Kessel is the National Hockey League’s new ‘Ironman’, appearing in his 990th consecutive game. His left and right front teeth lasted 26 and 448 games, respectively.

Retired NBA player Iman Shumpert and partner Daniella Karagach won Season 30 of Dancing With The Stars, beating out favorites Jojo Siwa and Jenna Johnson – showing America prefers interracial couples to two women together.

A fan attacked wrestler Seth Rollins during a WWE Raw televised match at Barclays Center in Brooklyn. A spokesman for WWE said they’re reconsidering future ‘Bring Your Own Folding Chair’ Nights.

Actor Eddie Redmayne said his Oscar-nominated lead role as a transgender woman in The Danish Girl is one of his regrets, adding a trans actor should have played the part. But look for The Danish Girl Again, starring Edna Redmayne.

Chrissy Teigen revealed she had an eyebrow hair transplant, saying the hardest part was getting the hairs pulled from her upper lip.

Many families are asking relatives to get COVID-19 tests before Thanksgiving gatherings. Many dysfunctional families are asking relatives get COVID-19 so they can cancel Thanksgiving gatherings.

NASA announced a delay in the launch of the James Webb Space Telescope due to an “incident”. Speculation is swirling that the incident is James getting caught pointing it at a woman’s bedroom window.

Good Morning America host Michael Strahan accepted Jeff Bezos’ invitation to ride on a Blue Origin rocket, just as soon as they finish cleaning the seat up after William Shatner.

The United Nations is warning that Afghanistan’s financial system is on the brink of collapse, with 1 out of every 3 households lacking a single goat to pay for goods and services.

Author Gigi Gatewood said she and her husband always forget their actual wedding anniversary, so they celebrate it on Black Friday. Gatewood makes the day special every year by promising a special Bedroom Doorbuster.

Taylor Swift’s 10-minute ballad ‘All Too Well’ became the longest song to hit #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100. However, Daniel Powter’s ‘Bad Day’ still holds the record for #1 song that feels like it lasts 20 minutes.

QAnon Shaman Jacob Chansley was sentenced to 41 months in prison for his role in the January 6th riots. Separately, Chansley was stripped of his membership in the Water Buffalo Lodge by National President Barney Rubble.

Apple is selling self-service repair kits for iPhones. They come with tools, replacement parts, and slab of concrete you can drop the iPhone on to get started.

Mike Tyson claims he “died” while tripping on psychedelic toad venom – but not before the toad he licked died from a right cross to its head.

Following a housewarming party to celebrate the purchase of a $6.4 million mansion in Salisbury Township, Pennsylvania, the home was destroyed by fire. Firefighters declared the house “warm”.

A lab owned by pharmaceutical company Merck was temporarily shut down when workers found refrigerated vials labeled “smallpox”. They were declared the second-most toxic items in the refrigerator, next to some guy’s leftover Indian food.

A woman claimed Pope Francis performed a miracle on her son when he walked on a Vatican stage. The miracle was that Pope Francis didn’t ask to see the boy naked.

A drop in temperatures and a significant East Coast storm could disrupt Thanksgiving travel plans next week. “Oh no, maybe we should cancel that trip to your parents?” asked hopeful husbands.

CVS is closing 900 stores. The list will be printed on every customer’s receipt.

A new study of Google Search results shows the most popular cake flavor in every state. Ice cream cake was the most popular in 10 states. In Mississippi, the favorite was urinal cake.

Starbucks is giving away free reusable red cups today. Service is expected to be slower-than-usual as needy regulars give detailed drink orders including specific shades of red.

Viral video shows an alligator attacking its trainer at a Utah reptile preserve before a good samaritan helped rescue her. The trainer is recovering, and received an overall score of ‘Needs Improvement’ during their annual performance review.

Samples of human brain tissue in lab dishes have grown rudimentary eyes – which they’re using to throw uncomfortable gazes at lab interns.

The TSA is extending its in-flight mask requirement until January. Flight attendants are busily bulking up for fistfights with passengers at Thanksgiving, and airlines are stocking up on red Christmas-themed duct tape.

Mattel created a Barbie doll of the scientist who created the Oxford coronavirus vaccine, only with bigger, pointy breasts.

Florida sanctioned two school districts for mandating students wear masks to prevent COVID-19, and for making kids take gym class to prevent obsesity.

Lady Gaga’s former dog walker Ryan Fischer – shot while walking the star’s French bulldogs – claims he’s homeless and is trying to raise $40,000 via GoFundMe. There’s no indication Gaga has donated, but the dogs each gave one bag of Pupperoni.

In a Twitter thread about terrible movies, Tom Arnold said he was paid for $5 million to play the lead in ‘The Stupids’. A sequel is in the works, it’s about the producers who decided to pay seven figures to Tom Arnold.

Oakland A’s pitcher Chris Bassitt is “conscious and aware” after taking a 100 mph line drive to the head. Also “consicous and aware” – the people who fell asleep at the game and woke up when he got hit.

Scientists found overweight lab mice lost weight when given a treatment that caused them to sweat out natural body oils. The treatment made them skinnier, but a lot more slippery.

In the wake of his most recent split from Khloe Kardashian, NBA star Tristan Thompson posted about “growth”. Specifically, about women who help him grow a lot more than Khloe ever did.

Donald Trump invited two Michigan Republican state legislators to the White House, presumably to try and overturn the state’s election results. They’ll dine on Big Macs while Trump serves them that Whopper.

Joe Biden was once again declared the winner of Georgia after the state hand-counted all of its ballots, and even some extra ones they were sent from New York.

A Long Island couple was identified after their 300-person October wedding turned into a COVID-19 superspreader event. 34 people were infected, and the rest were still pissed off about the cash bar.

The Centers for Disease Control recommended Americans not travel at all for Thanksgiving to limit exposure to COVID-19, and to their in-law’s disgusting side dishes.

Kyle Rittenhouse – the teenager accused of killing two people during demonstrations in Wisconsin – allegedly bought the AR-15 murder weapon with his $1,200 government stimulus check. He asked for more ammo in his letter to Santa.

Walmart released its Black Friday deals online – resulting in trampling injuries to multiple toothless hicks trying to be first to use the computer.

Priti Patel, an adviser to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has been accused of bullying her staff following a government inquiry. It’s so bad, they call her Ugli Patel.

Mossimo Giannulli reported for his five-month sentence in the college admissions scandal. He shaved his head before entering, presumably to get the first-ever Aunt Becky prison scalp tattoo.

Geraldo Rivera told Fox News he thinks the COVID-19 vaccine should be named after Trump. Asked which one, he said whichever one is injected against a person’s will.

BuzzFeed acquired HuffPost – leaving experts worried about more consolidation of sources of serious journalism.

Workers erected a ‘non-scalable’ fence around the White House grounds before the election. Wednesday marks the debut of Melania – Slovenian Human Cannonball.

A judge has ordered Phil Collins ex-wife Orianne and her new husband to vacate Collins’ Miami mansion by mid-January. “So, just another 70 days for you & me in paradise” said Orianne to her husband.

A federal judge ordered the U.S. Postal Service to use the Express Mail system to handle mail-in ballots this week, creating hundreds of new jobs for mules.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said the U.K. coronavirus lockdown may extend into next year – anything to keep the Dickens Christmas Carolers off the streets.

Talk show host Jeannie Mai was hospitalized with epiglottitis and withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, with both experiences leaving her pretty choked up.

Cardi B officially dropped divorce proceedings with husband Offset, notifying lawyers to file a motion of WAP – Withdraw All Paperwork.

Johnny Depp lost his libel lawsuit against British tabloid The Sun for calling him a wife beater. Depp plans to appeal, and to start a new career in the NFL.

KleinVision demonstrated its AirCar flying car during an event in Slovakia. It reached an altitude of 1500 feet and completed two takeoffs and landings. Sadly. on its third trip a 16-year-old Slovakian kid backed it into a stop sign while trying to parallel park.

Scaled-back Thanksgiving celebrations amidst the pandemic are worrying turkey farmers – but delighting families of turkeys who never imagined the whole gang getting together.

Donald Trump clarified his remarks about declaring early victory on Election Night – saying what he meant was he’ll be getting the McRib a full month ahead of its December relaunch.

Smoke from the U.S. wildfires has reached France – where it now wears a beret and striped sweater and makes fun of Americans along with the other smokers.

Navigation app Waze added lane guidance, so you’ll know when to get in the far-right lane before you start texting.

Donald Trump claims there are 25 witnesses disputing The Atlantic’s report that he called dead U.S. soldiers “losers” and “suckers” while in Europe. The witnesses are Barron’s classmates who clarify that he said it to them at Career Day.

Thanks to wildfires, Portland, Oregon has the worst air quality of any location on Earth. Which is news to the people in the restrooms at Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station.

Simon Properties shopping malls will stay closed on Thanksgiving, but will hold socially-distant trampling events throughout the Holiday season to help folks get in the spirit.

Madonna will direct a film biography of her own life. She’ll fund the project since studios balked at her casting choice for ‘Young Madonna’ – herself.

Red Lobster will offer the Dew Garita, the first “official” Mountain Dew cocktail, and the 100,000th overall, if you count the ones from losers drinking out of brown bags at the skate park.

COVID-19 cases among Florida children jumped 26% in a month. Contact tracers say teacher/student relationships are in full swing.

Eight people in Indonesia who refused to wear masks were ordered to dig graves for COVID-19 victims as punishment. They were then told to lie in the graves and wait.

Big Ten college football will return next month. Every player will be required to take COVID-19 tests. Those who fail will be assigned a tutor whose nasal mucus will pass.

The FDA approved Dsuvia, a new opioid tablet 10 times stronger than fentanyl and 1,000 times stronger than morphine.  To curb potential abuse, it will only be used in extreme cases such as emergency rooms, or to take prior to joining your extended family for Thanksgiving dinner.

An 11-year-old in a Phoenix suburb, told by his live-in grandmother to clean his room, shot her, then shot himself. Officials said that the room is now an even bigger mess.

A university theater student in Pennsylvania was arrested for secretly using his iPhone to record women he knew using the bathroom.  The women became suspicious when they emerged from the bathroom and he congratulated them on passing their audition.

A Scottish fisherman was rescued from a cliff after he was confronted and cornered by an aggressive colony of about 50 gray seals protecting their young. He was lowered into a boat by the Coast Guard, who responded after a Scottish SEAL team took the animals’ side.

Hutch, a 13-year-old Belgian Malinois police dog in Boynton Beach, Florida – credited with taking part in over 200 arrests – has died .. just one week short of finally retiring and getting his pension.

An off-duty NYPD officer was arrested in Brooklyn and charged with DUI after driving the wrong way down a one-way street and striking a parked car. He was taken into custody when on-duty NYPD officers saw the drunk cop giving himself a field sobriety test.

Susan Westwood, 51, of North Carolina, was shown on viral video harassing two black women waiting for AAA vehicle assistance. Westwood insulted them and bragged about being white, hot, and making $125,000 working for Spectrum Cable. She was fired from Spectrum, where she was a supervisor harassing people who were late paying their bill.

Beginning today, Amazon will offer free shipping to all its customers for items arriving in time for Christmas. Amazon’s warehouse workers and delivery drivers responded to the increased workload by increasing the size of bottles they urinate in from 16-ounce to two-liter.

Jury selection began Monday in the drug trafficking trial of legendary drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. The NYPD closed the Brooklyn Bridge to transport El Chapo from a Manhattan prison to the Brooklyn trial. El Chapo said it was unnecessary, since his employees had already built a special tunnel.

  • So far, prosecution attorneys have sent home several dozen prospective jurors who greeted El Chapo by name as they entered the courtroom.

Kim Kardashian said that husband Kanye West is harassing her to expand their family to seven children. Kardashian told a friend she doesn’t know if her body could handle the stress of watching so many surrogates have her kids.

A Texas woman, accused of sending explosives to Barack Obama and Texas Governor Greg Abbott, was apprehended by federal authorities. Investigators matched a cat hair found under the shipping label on one of the packages to the woman’s cat – who has entered the Witness Protection Program at an undisclosed retirement community.

Researchers at Penn State University write that the common housefly is more disgusting than originally thought, acting as an “airborne shuttle for disease”. Penn State was immediately sued by American Airlines, who trademarked the phrase “airborne shuttle for disease.”

Boulder, Colorado was named the Happiest City in America. Respondents cited the wide availability of recreational marijuana and…that’s about it.

A hunter in Sherman, New York shot and killed a woman after mistaking her for a deer. “That’s no dear, that was my wife!” said her cut-up widowed husband.

Four pit bulls attacked a man behind a Philadelphia home on Thanksgiving night, and the man died later at a hospital. However, local news reported that the dog bites were not the cause of death, leading to speculation that the man had complained to the dogs about illness from the Thanksgiving dinner they made for him.

Arizona State University rescinded a journalistic excellence award it presented to Charlie Rose in 2015. However, since Rose walked naked in front of women and repeatedly made lewd overtures to them, he’s been named the Honorary Chairman of every Arizona State fraternity.

Macy’s credit card processors stopped working for an extended period on Black Friday. “Credit card processors” are what Macy’s calls the angry men & women working the checkout.

President Trump tweeted that he was approached by Time Magazine to be their 2017 Person of the Year, but that he turned it down because it would require a lengthy interview and photo shoot. Time writers & photographers are reportedly bummed out because now they have to go all the way to North Korea.

A Dartmouth University study reveals that people who shop at warehouse clubs like Costco, Sam’s and BJ’s eat 11% more fat and 5% more sugar than those who don’t shop at clubs. Club members were shocked by the information and assumed they were getting at least 20% more fat and 10% more sugar by buying in bulk.

Apple is facing new accusations that its iPhone X is being manufactured by Chinese high school students who work 11-hour days to meet a mandatory “work experience” requirement to graduate. Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking at a high school graduation, told students “this isn’t the end of your iPhone X assembly career, it’s the beginning of your iPad assembly career.”

A burned body was found on top of a SEPTA Regional Rail car in downtown Philadelphia. Riders of the train reported that it still smelled better than most of the passengers.

 

A Russian research team unearthed the fossilized remains of a 10-ton, 17-foot-long sea cow on a Siberian beach. Experts believe the sea cow wanted to spend time at the beach, but needed to go to Siberia to avoid crowds & body-shaming.

Thanksgiving night fights forced officials to shut down the Riverchase Galleria Mall in Birmingham, Alabama, as fathers of teenage girls sought to protect them from Roy Moore.

GOBankingRates released a list of the 15 most affordable states for Millennials to buy homes. Topping the list? West Virginia – where it’s estimated that a home can be bought after just two-and-a-half years of selling meth.

DamToys is selling a 12-inch Steve Jobs figurine for nearly $200. It berates other nearby action figures and comes with 10 accessories, none of which is a daughter that the figurine refuses to acknowledge.

President Trump tweeted on Friday that he was heading to Trump National Golf Club to “play golf (quickly) with Tiger Woods and Dustin Johnson.” ‘Quickly’ means he’ll quit when they won’t let him win.

A Swedish power plant near Stockholm that uses recycled materials as fuel is burning unsold clothing from fast-fashion chain H&M; the company that owns the plant is hiring hundreds of mean girls to follow classmates around telling them to ‘burn that outfit’.

Following a second accuser’s claim that he grabbed her buttocks during a photo at the Minnesota State Fair, Senator Al Franken issued a new apology, and verified that he’s banned from the livestock exhibit at this year’s fair.

Oprah Winfrey shared her lavish Thanksgiving dinner spread on Instagram, including four 22-pound turkeys for her and her guests. Winfrey, a Weight Watchers spokesperson, declined to say how many Weight Watchers points she consumed, but was photographed with her food diary and a scientific calculator.

Michael Flynn is no longer sharing information regarding the Russia investigation with President Trump’s lawyers, leading observers to believe Special Investigator Robert Mueller has “flipped” Mueller to testify against The President. Sensing an opportunity, Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to let Flynn use his Safe House.

Duchess Kate Middleton – pregnant with her third child – went off-roading with her husband, Prince William, at the Jaguar/Land Rover factory in England. “Off-roading” in this case meaning using Parent With Toddler parking instead of valet.