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A Texas woman, accused of sending explosives to Barack Obama and Texas Governor Greg Abbott, was apprehended by federal authorities. Investigators matched a cat hair found under the shipping label on one of the packages to the woman’s cat – who has entered the Witness Protection Program at an undisclosed retirement community.

Researchers at Penn State University write that the common housefly is more disgusting than originally thought, acting as an “airborne shuttle for disease”. Penn State was immediately sued by American Airlines, who trademarked the phrase “airborne shuttle for disease.”

Boulder, Colorado was named the Happiest City in America. Respondents cited the wide availability of recreational marijuana and…that’s about it.

A hunter in Sherman, New York shot and killed a woman after mistaking her for a deer. “That’s no dear, that was my wife!” said her cut-up widowed husband.

Four pit bulls attacked a man behind a Philadelphia home on Thanksgiving night, and the man died later at a hospital. However, local news reported that the dog bites were not the cause of death, leading to speculation that the man had complained to the dogs about illness from the Thanksgiving dinner they made for him.

Arizona State University rescinded a journalistic excellence award it presented to Charlie Rose in 2015. However, since Rose walked naked in front of women and repeatedly made lewd overtures to them, he’s been named the Honorary Chairman of every Arizona State fraternity.

Macy’s credit card processors stopped working for an extended period on Black Friday. “Credit card processors” are what Macy’s calls the angry men & women working the checkout.

President Trump tweeted that he was approached by Time Magazine to be their 2017 Person of the Year, but that he turned it down because it would require a lengthy interview and photo shoot. Time writers & photographers are reportedly bummed out because now they have to go all the way to North Korea.

A Dartmouth University study reveals that people who shop at warehouse clubs like Costco, Sam’s and BJ’s eat 11% more fat and 5% more sugar than those who don’t shop at clubs. Club members were shocked by the information and assumed they were getting at least 20% more fat and 10% more sugar by buying in bulk.

Apple is facing new accusations that its iPhone X is being manufactured by Chinese high school students who work 11-hour days to meet a mandatory “work experience” requirement to graduate. Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking at a high school graduation, told students “this isn’t the end of your iPhone X assembly career, it’s the beginning of your iPad assembly career.”

A burned body was found on top of a SEPTA Regional Rail car in downtown Philadelphia. Riders of the train reported that it still smelled better than most of the passengers.

 

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Trade group Calorie Control Council estimates that the average American will consume 3,000 calories on Thanksgiving. It would take a 180-pound person five hours of jogging to burn those calories, or about two years’ worth of visits if they belong to Planet Fitness.

President Trump is officially dissolving his charitable organization, the Trump Foundation, to avoid conflicts of interest. Specifically, the conflict between Trump saying he’s donating to charity and actually doing it.

Subscribers of Dish Network lost access to local CBS stations resulting from a fee dispute between the two companies. Several rural Dish Network customers who hadn’t heard of the dispute fell off their roofs and died trying to fix it.

The New England Patriots defeated the Oakland Raiders 33-8 in the NFL’s annual Mexico City game. Kickoff was delayed because when players emerged from the tunnel, they were standing at the border of Guatemala.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai introduced a draft order to eliminate net neutrality regulations that prohibit cable & wireless providers from prioritizing or slowing specific content internet content. The move was praised by Comcast, AT&T, Verizon and others, who say customers can trust them to manage their networks fairly, then their CEOs fell on each other in a laughing heap.

CBS and PBS have suspended Charlie Rose amid sexual misconduct allegations from eight women. Rose issued a statement of apology; he offered to read it, but the women didn’t have all day.

Shares of Campbell Soup dropped 7% after the company reported weak earnings, despite adding water to try and stretch them.

British startup bio-bean is teaming with energy companies on a coffee-bean based fuel that will be used in London’s diesel buses. Bio-bean extracts coffee oil from used coffee grounds and mixes it with diesel and other fuels. The founder got the idea after seeing Americans burst in to flames while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

NerdWallet’s 2017 Consumer Holiday Shopping Report is out, and gift-buying Americans say they’ll spend an average of $660 on stuff their friends & family will do a bad job pretending to like.

  • 24% of Millennials are still carrying holiday debt from 2016, mainly because their parents can’t figure out how to Venmo the money so they can pay it off entirely.

Softbank Robotics is trialing programs at elder care facilities for its Nao robot, which is able to lead seniors in exercise, respond to verbal commands to keep them company, and take their jewelry while they sleep.