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Following a two-week manhunt, Pennsylvania State Police captured escaped convict Michael Burham, who was spotted after a dog barked at him in the woods. The dog would have stayed quiet, but Burham was out of Pupperoni.

ABC announced 71-year-old widowed senior Gerry Turner as the first ‘Golden Bachelor’. They expect to announce a 35-year-old woman as their first ‘Golden Bachelorette’.

Ford cut the price of their all-electric F-150 Lightning pickup trucks by as much as $10,000, due to slow demand in the Deep South, where customers don’t know why their pickup should have electricity if their house doesn’t.

Disney CEO Bob Iger said he’s considering selling money-losing streaming services. But he’s concerned the buyer will change their mind and cancel after two months.

Police arrested architect Rex Heuermann as the suspected Gilgo Beach serial killer. He’s charged with three murders, although investigators expect to find other load-bearing bodies supporting those.

Country star Jason Aldean ended a Connecticut concert early due to what he called dehydration and heat exhaustion. Roadies attempted to rehydrate him with an intravenous drip of Bud Light but his body rejected it.

A sex therapist tells CNN they see many male patients who said they married a woman without considering them sexually attractive. The therapist said the men should work on communicating their desires, and, as a backup, finding $300.

An experimental drug was found to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s by 35%. The drug is cyanide, and they think they got the percentages wrong.

A Canadian man driving a petroleum truck was fired for pulling a baby moose in to the passenger seat to save the animal from an impending bear attack. Before he was fired, he cancelled a date with a woman he’d scheduled at the next truck stop.

A teen girl from Switzerland defaced the exterior of the famed Colosseum in Rome by carving in to it with a piece of metal. She was questioned by police, who wanted to know exactly what she meant by “for a good time”.

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The International Olympic Committee’s longest-serving member, Dick Pound, said he believes the IOC has three months to decide if the COVID-19 virus is controlled, or the Tokyo Olympics must be cancelled. He then fielded a half-hour of questions about his gay porn name.

Rush Limbaugh said on his radio program he’s “dead right” that the COVID-19 virus is “the common cold”, but is being weaponized to take down Donald Trump. Noting his advanced cancer, his critics said they, too, hope Limbaugh is “dead, right?”.

The jury has been released following the conviction of Harvey Weinstein on two sexual assault charges, and most are now receiving counseling for the PTSD they’re experiencing from having to look at photos of Weinstein nude.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down immediately, to be succeeded by Disney Parks CEO Bob Chapek. “How many f***ing times are they going to pass me over, Minnie?” squeaked a long-time employee.

The FDA is accusing sandwich chain Jimmy John’s of serving vegetables linked to E.coli and salmonella outbreaks. Company officials said they’ll do a better job convincing customers that vegetables have no place on sandwiches.

A 61-year-old woman who said she never drank showed high levels of alcohol in her urine and was diagnosed with “auto brewery syndrome”, where yeast in her bladder fermented. She’s debating between treatment, or continuing to sell Shirley’s Small-Batch IPA for $20/pint.

A Tokyo man shared the story of Nintendo replacing his 95-year-old mother’s broken Game Boy handheld which hasn’t been made since 2003. Nintendo found a brand new one in a warehouse, and the woman played it until her death at 99 when she was struck by a turtle shell.

The U.S. has begun testing a coronavirus vaccine at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and boy is that goat tired of needles.

Michelle Janavs – heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune – was sentenced to 5 months in prison for her role in the College Admissions Scandal. It’s the longest frozen food prison sentence since the racketeering takedown of the notorious Totino’s Crime Family.

Struggling retailer GameStop is trialing three new “concept stores” at locations in Oklahoma, designed to be less focused on game sales, and more focused on social interaction. All three are Starbucks.

 

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Lucky’s, an organic grocery store in the midwestern U.S., announced that it’s closing most of its stores. Since it’s organic, their inventory will liquidate itself in a day or two.

Disney CEO Bob Iger apologized and pledged a donation after a licensing arm charged a PTA meeting $250 for showing a DVD of The Lion King at a ‘Parents Night Out’ fundraiser. To avoid Disney conflicts, the PTA announced next month’s DVD will be Naughty Night-Call Nurses 13.

Aurora Cannabis, a Canadian company with aggressive plans for global expansion, announced 500 layoffs. A spokesperson for the workers said “..wait…what?…”

A UCLA analysis concluded that coffee had a “strong and consistent protective association” with prevention of colorectal and uterine cancers; adding the protective effects are achieved by drinking it, not by pouring it in, or near, those organs.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards annouced that he quit cigarette smoking in October, and that he now looks and feels like a 98-year-old.

A study of hospital emergency room visits in 2018 claims 3,800 people sought medical help for pizza-related injuries. They include finger lacerations with pizza cutters, mouth burns, and DDUI – the second D is for Domino’s .

Pregnant WWE wrestlers Nikki and Brie Bella revealed they both conceived their babies in the same place, and – after a lengthy explanatory discussion from their ob/gyn – in pretty much the same way.

Norwegian Cruise Lines is refusing to refund the $32,000 paid by a family who cancelled a cruise to Asia over coronavirus concerns. Norwegian offered the family credit to use on a different cruise where they can contract norovirus and the flu instead.

Finley, a golden retriever in Canandaigua, New York is able to fit six tennis balls in his mouth without any human assistance. The dog’s owners are being bombarded with inquiries about talk show appearances and to see if he has a Grindr profile yet.

Antarctica temperatures hit a record 65 degrees. It’s so warm, penguins are giving seals buzz-cuts.

 

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NBA star Steph Curry’s new Under Armour basketball shoe, the Curry 6, was co-designed by 9-year-old Riley Morrison, who had questioned why past versions didn’t come in women’s sizes. Curry’s will be the first lavender shoe in NBA games with light-up heels.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort was sentenced to 47 months in prison, a punishment approximate to the 48 months U.S. citizens were given in November, 2016.

A German man was sentenced to life in prison for attempted murder by poisoning his coworkers’ sandwiches. Defense attorneys unsuccessfully argued the coworkers were killing themselves anyway, since they were eating liverwurst.

UrbanSitter published rates to hire babysitters in 28 U.S. locations. The highest hourly rate was in San Francisco, which averaged nearly $20/hour, to a low of $0 in Mobile, Alabama & Hattiesburg, Mississippi – where respondents asked “why would I pay the dog?”

SpaceX’s Crew Dragon safely returned home from its supply delivery mission to the International Space Station, with pilot dummy ‘Ripley’ intact. Ripley will now be kept under observation for a week to see what pops out of its stomach.

Buffalo Bills GM Brandon Beane issued a public statement refuting reports that the Bills would acquire Steelers WR Antonio Brown, saying he’d prefer to groom malcontents instead of getting one off-the-shelf.

Disney shareholders narrowly approved a $35 million pay package for CEO Bob Iger. A dissenting voter at the annual meeting was quoted saying “Gawrsh! Guh-hoot, guh-hoot, when’s he gawrna start payin US more? Guh-hoot..”

President Trump will visit the site of Alabama tornadoes, which claimed the lives of 23 people. He’s expected to be joined by members of the National Weather Service & Army Corps of Engineers, assigned to monitor winds and keep his hair in place.

Philadelphia banned cashless businesses. Lawmakers argued that a quarter of city residents live in poverty and don’t have credit cards — meaning they probably don’t have cash, either, but, hey, let’s fix the symptom instead of the disease.

A new report claims the FDA is allowing manufacturers of wound-closing surgical staplers to hide incidents of malfunction, causing bleeding or death. The stapler malfunctions were brought to light by coroners examining cadavers’ surgical incisions closed with Scotch tape and paper clips.