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NASA’s Mars Rover found a shiny piece of foil on a rock. It also found an extraterrestrial lying on the ground holding its stomach, then discovered the foil had ‘KFC’ printed on it.

A new study discovered that when cats chew and rub against catnip, it protects them against mosquitoes. Indoor cats still like it just to get wasted.

Vladimir Putin claimed that a cyberattack delayed his planned speech to the St. Petersburg Economic Forum. However, the tech support guy on site claimed Putin kept pressing the wrong function key for the projector.

The Stadium Tour kicked off at Atlanta’s Truist Park, featuring performances from Classless Act, Joan Jett, Poison, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, and the defibrillator used to keep Motley’s Mick Mars and Vince Neil moving.

The state of Hawai’i’ tweeted that there are currently no girls detained in the Hawai’i Youth Correctional Facility. The facility’s annual Hula Contest promises to be an interesting one.

After closing due to the ongoing pandemic, Hong Kong’s iconic Jumbo Floating Restaurant was towed away. To save money, they used octopuses repurposed from the kitchen.

WWE CEO Vince McMahon stepped down after it was revealed he paid $3 million in hush money to a female employee with whom he naked tag-teamed.

USA Today determined a reporter fabricated quotes for 23 different stories, forcing their removal from the green, purple & red sections.

20 juveniles attempted to seize control of a youth correctional facility in Louisiana, but their plan unraveled when they argued about whose Tik Tok they would post the video to.

Jackass star Johnny Knoxville filed for divorce from his wife, Naomi. He’s asking for joint custody of their two children, who will be delivered to him every other weekend by being shot out of a cannon.

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UFC President Dana White said he’s securing a private island to host upcoming pay-per-view fights, though it’s unclear whether fans will still put up the money to watch two chimpanzees fight each other.

A fire at a Florida airport destroyed 3,500 rental cars. It’s being called a total loss, because even the rental car companies declined the insurance.

Shares of Carnival Cruise Lines soared after the Saudi sovereign wealth fund bought 8% of the company. In exchange, Carnival agreed to provide cabins for all the wives in the harems.

Vermont ordered Costco, Target and other big-box stores to only sell essential items. There are now complete aisles in the stores dedicated to maple syrup.

Walmart joined other stores that are holding shopping hours exclusively for seniors. This, in addition to the exclusive 12-hour days for underpaid seniors working there.

Reports speculate that AMC movie theaters may not recover from current closures and may shut down for good. Other theaters would still take AMC’s popcorn inventory and sell it.

April’s full moon tonight will be the biggest supermoon of the year, owing to the moon’s orbit being closest to Earth. It’s so big, you’ll be able to see extraterrestrials social distancing.

White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham will leave her post without having held a single press briefing and return to being Melania Trump’s chief of staff. Grisham welcomed the move, saying she’s glad to go from doing nothing, to almost nothing.

Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh expressed concern about hackers disrupting the NFL’s upcoming ‘virtual draft’. The Cincinnati Bengals say they’re not worried and are expected to select Hugh G. Rection first overall.

UFC fighter Anthony Smith caught a robber breaking in to his Nebraska home. Smith was able to subdue the robber, who clutched jewelry in one hand, but tapped out with the other.