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UFC President Dana White said he’s securing a private island to host upcoming pay-per-view fights, though it’s unclear whether fans will still put up the money to watch two chimpanzees fight each other.

A fire at a Florida airport destroyed 3,500 rental cars. It’s being called a total loss, because even the rental car companies declined the insurance.

Shares of Carnival Cruise Lines soared after the Saudi sovereign wealth fund bought 8% of the company. In exchange, Carnival agreed to provide cabins for all the wives in the harems.

Vermont ordered Costco, Target and other big-box stores to only sell essential items. There are now complete aisles in the stores dedicated to maple syrup.

Walmart joined other stores that are holding shopping hours exclusively for seniors. This, in addition to the exclusive 12-hour days for underpaid seniors working there.

Reports speculate that AMC movie theaters may not recover from current closures and may shut down for good. Other theaters would still take AMC’s popcorn inventory and sell it.

April’s full moon tonight will be the biggest supermoon of the year, owing to the moon’s orbit being closest to Earth. It’s so big, you’ll be able to see extraterrestrials social distancing.

White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham will leave her post without having held a single press briefing and return to being Melania Trump’s chief of staff. Grisham welcomed the move, saying she’s glad to go from doing nothing, to almost nothing.

Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh expressed concern about hackers disrupting the NFL’s upcoming ‘virtual draft’. The Cincinnati Bengals say they’re not worried and are expected to select Hugh G. Rection first overall.

UFC fighter Anthony Smith caught a robber breaking in to his Nebraska home. Smith was able to subdue the robber, who clutched jewelry in one hand, but tapped out with the other.

 

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R Kelly refuses to watch the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ – detailing his alleged abuse of women – calling it a “vendetta” against him. Sources say Kelly is really pissed on about it.

A giant tuna sold for a record $3.1 million at auction to a restaurant owner in Tokyo. He then paid another $1 million for bread, mayonnaise, celery & onions to break the record for the world’s biggest, most disappointing lunch.

According to LinkedIn, ‘artificial intelligence’ is one of the top 5 hard skills employers are seeking in 2019.  And by artificial intelligence, they aren’t referring to lying on your LinkedIn profile.

Brazilian UFC fighter Polyana Viana said she beat up a man in Rio de Janeiro who was attempting to steal her cell phone. UFC President Dana White immediately boarded a flight to Rio to collect $40 from everyone who saw it happen.

Alabama police are warning drivers against stopping on Highway 35 to retrieve chicken tenders that were spilled on the road in an 18-wheeler wreck. Their plea will likely prove unsuccessful, because in Alabama, the 5-second rule is 5 days.

Kendall Jenner took to Instagram to say she struggles with facial acne, and to announce that she’s the new celebrity spokesperson for Proactiv.  Still no word which of her sisters will be named spokesperson for new Proactiv for Ginormous Butt Zits.

Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is the new record-holder for most retweeted post ever. He promised to share $975,000 with 100 randomly-selected persons who retweeted him. As of this morning, the tweet had been retweeted more than 5 million times, 4.96 million of those coming from @realDonaldTrump .

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was absent from oral arguments in the Supreme Court’s first session of 2019. Ginsburg is recovering from cancer surgery, and from getting hammered at the premiere of the new movie about her.

According to a new law, Saudi Arabian women divorced by their husbands will be notified via text message. Which sounds terrible, but women getting divorce notifications from Boost Mobile probably knew their husband wasn’t a billionaire.

  • ‘New phone. Who dis?’ read a reply to a wrong-number divorce notification.

Kevin Spacey appeared in a Nantucket court Monday morning as his attorney entered a plea of not guilty to charges against Spacey for sexual assault. “How did he get here so soon after the Golden Globes?” asked a low-level court employee who hasn’t been keeping up.