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The Boy Scouts of America are planning to change their name to ‘Scouts BSA’ with girls now allowed to join. Scouts BSA beat out other potential new names including ‘Uniscouts’; ‘Panscoutual’, and ‘United Bullying Victims’.

A GoFundMe campaign raised $20,000 so that a 104-year-old man can fly from Australia to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide. In addition to the money, the campaign message board was flooded with ideas on how to do it much cheaper than $20,000.

President Trump tweeted that Robert Mueller’s investigation is interfering with his ability to do his job, saying that discussion of the Russia probe is keeping Fox & Friends hosts from telling him where he should meet Kim Jong Un.

Kanye West said that black slavery is “a choice” – apparently referring to his and black athletes’ repeated appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Ford Motor Company filed a patent for a minivan designed to carry a motorcycle that can pop out of it. They plan to sell it to emasculated dads so they can hop on the motorcycle and chase down the people in fun cars who insult them on the highway.

Lyft pledged $1.5 million in free rides to low-income people, so that attractive poor women can be sexually harassed.

Iowa passed the most restrictive abortion law in the country, dealing a crippling blow to sexually active teenagers, who can’t believe this happened in such an amazing place to live.

A Detroit-area Catholic high school has scrapped plans to hand out “modesty ponchos” to prom-goers whose dresses are deemed too revealing. Instead, they’ll follow standard Detroit prom tradition and hand out condoms & riot gear.

Yale University revoked Bill Cosby’s honorary degree, following similar actions by Temple, University of Pennsylvania, Marquette, Brown, Fordham, Carnegie Mellon and Notre Dame.  “I’ve lost more degrees than the body temperature of a dead hooker!” Cosby said, proving he’s still got it.

The CEO of Xerox resigned. The replacement will be named after someone opens Door 1 and clears out a jam of candidates.

Southwest Airlines flight 957 from Chicago to Newark made an emergency landing in Cleveland after a window broke. “Now I’ll never see the Grand Canyon!” said the drunk passenger in seat 14F.

The E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has killed its first victim. The California resident, who remains unidentified, thought they would remain healthy by ordering the dressing on the side.

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Amazon announced a trial of Amazon Key, a service utilizing security cameras that allow delivery persons’ entry to Prime members’ homes to drop off packages. Amazon said the concept tested very favorably with single moms who rate their UPS guy an 8 or higher.

Bangkok, Thailand is holding a Royal Cremation Ceremony for King Bhumibol Adulyadej, who died a year ago. The Thai cremation does not utilize fire; they just keep stuffing red chilis in the King’s mouth until his body burns up.

The NAACP, citing what they believe are racially-motivated incidents, has advised black passengers to avoid flying on American Airlines. The NAACP’s warning was swiftly echoed for different reasons by everyone else who has ever flown American Airlines.

A Twitter poll from Men’s Health magazine found the top answer to “What pisses you off most at the gym?’ was ‘machine hogging’, followed by ‘not wiping down equipment’, followed by ‘being there’.

Ford Motor Company announced a major shakeup, promoting five women to senior executive positions. Corporate earnings forecasts were adjusted downward, due to higher heating costs for the women’s offices.

A test of popular baby food brands by the Clean Label Project found that over a third of the samples tested positive for lead, and over 60% were positive for arsenic. Parents are said to be concerned about the arsenic, but that the lead actually leaves their babies feeling pretty full.

Kellogg’s will replace boxes of Corn Pops after getting complaints that the box art – depicting cartoon corn pops at a shopping mall – is racially insensitive. The pops are mostly shown playing around, but a lone brown corn pop in the scene is a janitor waxing the floor. Kellogg’s apologized, saying the janitor was supposed to be working on a box of Cocoa Krispies.

Figures from the British Horse Racing Authority show that thoroughbreds owned by England’s Queen Elizabeth II have earned her $8 million over the last 30 years. Although another report from the British Gaming Authority shows that she’s lost $20 million on craps.

A four-time Iditarod dog sled champion, who finished second in this year’s race, claimed sabotage after his four dogs tested positive for opioid painkillers. Other mushers aren’t so sure, noting the dogs’ poor obedience school grades and a stolen prescription pad found in their doghouse.

President Trump pushed back at outgoing GOP senators and outspoken critics Bob Corker and Jeff Flake, describing his visit to the Senate to push tax reform as a “love fest”. He then returned to the White House to meet with Melania, in what observers described as a “frigid fest.”