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Best Buy stores have moved to a ‘curbside pickup only’ policy, so employees can get a good laugh and watch customers struggling to fit huge TVs in their car.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the company is donating “millions” of protective masks to healthcare workers. The challenge now is finding healthcare workers whose faces are the same size as 12-year-old Apple factory employees.

Portland, Oregon’s Lucky Devil Lounge strip club started ‘Boober Eats’, where scantily-clad dancers deliver food from Lucky Devil’s menu. Several customers claim they found hair in their food, for which they paid extra.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, a fixture at Coronavirus Task Force press briefings and the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said social distancing is crucial to prevent the U.S. from “becoming another Italy”. To which Italian Americans replied “AYYYYYY!”

Pennsylvania golfers asked Governor Tom Wolf to reopen courses, arguing that distance between players makes the game inherently safe and healthy, and that any added distance necessitated by the pandemic makes it easier than ever to cheat.

Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus in a maximum security prison in New York state, as did another inmate who tries to look like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Formula 1 racing is cancelled, so drivers are racing each other online in the official F1 video game. Somehow three drivers still managed to be hospitalized in crashes.

Three Florida spring breakers from the University of Tampa tested positive for COVID-19, and are currently in isolation while doctors supervise them butt-chugging grape Pedialyte with Tylenol.

Stevie Nicks praised artist Harry Styles’ new album ‘Fine Line’, saying she thinks it’s his ‘Rumors’. The music world hasn’t been this stunned since Nicks called Lou Bega’s ‘Mambo No. 5’ his ‘Pac Man Fever’.

The CDC & Microsoft, launched a coronavirus self-checking bot called Clara, to  recommend actions to those who think they have COVID-19 symptoms. You simply visit the CDC website, click the self-checker, and then watch as you’re told not to restart your computer for three hours.

 

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Little Caesars is offering free delivery all this week. However, it’s the first time health officials have advised ‘social distancing’ from terrible pizza.

Nintendo is delaying some physical-copy shipments of new community-building game Animal Crossing: New Horizons, while they add new gameplay where nobody in the community gets anything done for at least two months. 

A new viral video craze, ‘the coronavirus challenge’ has emerged, with young people licking doorknobs and toilet seats. This is different from the coronavirus challenge among older people – not dying. 

The European Union is urging Netflix to stop showing video in high definition to keep the Internet stable. In other news, ‘cam girls’ welcome the switch to standard definition streaming since it saves them money on makeup. 

Ivanka Trump urged parents to share fun ways to spend time with their children, like ‘having the nannies put on a show’, ‘watching your servants disinfect the house’, and ‘cheering as grampa insults asians’. 

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx shared a surprise quarantine photo with his family. Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars shared a surprise quarantine photo hooked up to his ventilator. 

Formula 1 Racing’s Monaco Grand Prix has been canceled, after Prince Albert tested positive for COVID-19. Prince Albert will be in a can indefinitely. 

Scientists identified a new species of shark in the West Indian Ocean – six-gill sawsharks.  They have long snouts, external teeth and feelers, and were discovered auditioning for a terrible new movie on SyFy Channel.

Donald Trump will no longer shake hands. He’ll also no longer kiss babies, unless he buys another beauty pageant. 

Westfield Malls announced it’s closing all of its locations, with the exception of “essential” retail outlets. Mall officials will meet with a contingent of douchebags to assess whether Hot Topic will stay open.