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Two workers were rescued after falling into a chocolate vat at a Mars Wrigley candy factory in Pennyslvania. They were treated at a local hospital, and other employees were treated to a song about what they did wrong by little people coworkers.

Co-writer of 90s hit Ice Ice Baby, Mario ‘Chocolate’ Johnson, alleges performer Vanilla Ice didn’t write a word of it. For his part, an angry Ice accused Mario of acting like a chocolate johnson.

GEICO was ordered to pay $5.2 million to a woman who contracted HPV while having sex with a man in his GEICO-insured car. High school girls planning to go all the way in their boyfriend’s cars are now asking them for insurance information.

Jay Z & Twitter founder Jack Dorsey started a ‘Bitcoin Academy’ in a Brooklyn housing project. This replaces the ‘Career Academy’ run by local pimps.

Fleetwood Mac’s Christine McVie said that champagne and cocaine made her perform better, but she needed to stay alert before shows to make sure she got some before Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham snorted and chugged it all.

Lebron James said he wants to own an NBA franchise in Las Vegas, once he finds several co-owners to blame when the team doesn’t win.

Donald Trump is said to have agreed with January 6th rioters who wanted to hang Mike Pence. Pence was temporarily excited because he thought Trump agreed that Pence was hung.

AT&T is reportedly working on delivering 20 gigabit-per-second Internet access to homes next year. Xfinity said their focus remains on convincing customers they’re getting gigabit Internet speed when it’s really about half that.

Britney Spears’ first husband Jason Alexander attempted to crash her Thursday wedding ceremony. He was arrested and will remain jailed for longer than the 55 hours he was married to Britney.

A British man broke a world record by deadlifting 285.49 pounds with a single finger. He was later rushed to a hospital with severe bleeding after picking his nose.

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Vanderpump Rules star Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora Todd, is pregnant. Suffice to say someone opened her box.

California’s Dixie wildfire is now the second-largest in state history. Those in Dixie land who take their stand are, generally, dying in Dixie.

Following Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham selling the rights to their music catalogs for tens of millions, Fleetwood Mac keyboardist Christine McVie sold her song rights. She used the proceeds to buy new tires for her Camry.

Greece has also been experiencing devastating wildfires. Large cargo planes have been dropping oatmeal and baking soda, since that’s how you extinguish a Greece fire.

Embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo – facing sexual harassment accusations from 11 women – had his top assistant, Secretary Melissa DeRosa, resign. DeRosa said she was tired of being 12th on the Governor’s list.

Olympian Simone Biles wowed Instagram followers with a bikini photo and a new braided hairstyle she’s calling the Twisty.

Philip Morris International – maker of Marlboro and other tobacco cigarettes – said they’ll stop selling Marlboros in the U.K. in ten years. Meanwhile, middle-aged cowboys are reportedly auditioning for print ads featuring the Narlboro Man.

Germany’s modern pentathlon coach Kim Raisner was disqualified from the Tokyo Olympics for punching a horse that refused to jump during equestrian events. The horse also reportedly refused a bouquet of carrots Raisner sent to it.

Bruce Springsteen’s daughter Jessica won a silver medal in equestrian competition at the Tokyo Olympic games. The horse praised Jessica for strapping her hands across his engines.

A Colorado Rockies fan, accused of yelling the n-word at a Miami Marlins player, may have actually been saying “Dinger”, the name of the team’s dinosaur mascot. For the record, Dinger clarified that he’s actually purple, not black.

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Wild deer have been found with coronavirus antibodies. The deer feel pretty good about their chances with COVID-19, they just wish people would stop shooting them and hitting them with cars.

Former Fleetwood Mac guitarist/vocalist Lindsey Buckingham said in an interview that “almost everyone” would be happy to have him back in the band. He wouldn’t articulate who wouldn’t want him back, but it rhymes with Skeevy Ticks.

Guns N’ Roses kicked off a new tour. Shares of the company that owns Jack Daniels rose 2000% in early trading.

A new study links alcohol use to cancer. People find out they have cancer, then get loaded.

The owner of Scholastic, who died suddenly in June, left the $1.2 billion educational publishing company to his former lover and cut his family out of his will. It’s being called Scholastic’s hardest lesson.

Flight attendants on a Frontier Airlines flight duct-taped an unruly passenger to his seat after he groped their breasts and punched one. Spirit Airlines expressed regret at losing one of their Platinum Elite frequent-flyer members.

ABC Network announced that all of the American Idol judges & host – Katy Perry, Luke Bryan, Lionel Richie & Ryan Seacrest – will return next season. Which is more than you can say for the winner of American Idol, who everyone’s forgotten already.

CVS Pharmacy raised its minimum wage to $15 and eliminated education requirements for some positions. They were immediately flooded with applications from high-school dropouts for jobs handling drugs.

Barack Obama canceled his planned 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard due to surging COVID-19 cases. So Donald Trump shipped the gift-wrapped box of dog poop to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo instead.

Visitors to New Jersey shore beaches have been marveling at how clear the water has been recently, saying you can now see all the medical waste, and the stream when nearby swimmers are pissing.

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The Trump Administration declined to buy additional vaccines from Pfizer following an initial 100 million-unit purchase. Trump wanted to wait until herd immunity so he could get them at clearance prices.

President-Elect Joe Biden selected the personnel to lead his health team. They’ll direct the CDC, fight the pandemic, and remind him what pills he takes that day.

Tesla issued its Executive Diversity report, revealing its U.S. leadership is 59 percent male and 83 percent white. The only thing that’s more male and white are Tesla drivers.

TV movie ‘Love, Lights, Hanukkah!’ premiered starring Ben Savage, Mia Kershner and Marilu Henner. It can be seen exclusively during Chanukah on the Challmark Channel.

The official height of Mount Everest was raised by 30 feet – providing room for 10 to 15 more climbers to freeze to death.

Stevie Nicks sold the majority of her solo & Fleetwood Mac songwriting catalog for about $100 million, finally settling her cocaine debt with Lindsey Buckingham.

‘Wonder Woman 1984‘ screened for critics, with most posting favorable reviews, although several walked out of their living rooms.

China pulled action movie ‘Monster Hunter’ from cinemas, because of a scene where an Asian actor point to his legs and says “What kind of knees are these? Chinese””. Historians marked 2020 as the year Cancel Culture hit China.

Breakdancing has been added to the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics. Vladimir Putin just ordered two dozen Black Russians.

A 90-year-old woman in the U.K. is the first to receive the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine. She celebrated with a scone and choked to death.

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Best Buy stores have moved to a ‘curbside pickup only’ policy, so employees can get a good laugh and watch customers struggling to fit huge TVs in their car.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the company is donating “millions” of protective masks to healthcare workers. The challenge now is finding healthcare workers whose faces are the same size as 12-year-old Apple factory employees.

Portland, Oregon’s Lucky Devil Lounge strip club started ‘Boober Eats’, where scantily-clad dancers deliver food from Lucky Devil’s menu. Several customers claim they found hair in their food, for which they paid extra.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, a fixture at Coronavirus Task Force press briefings and the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said social distancing is crucial to prevent the U.S. from “becoming another Italy”. To which Italian Americans replied “AYYYYYY!”

Pennsylvania golfers asked Governor Tom Wolf to reopen courses, arguing that distance between players makes the game inherently safe and healthy, and that any added distance necessitated by the pandemic makes it easier than ever to cheat.

Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus in a maximum security prison in New York state, as did another inmate who tries to look like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Formula 1 racing is cancelled, so drivers are racing each other online in the official F1 video game. Somehow three drivers still managed to be hospitalized in crashes.

Three Florida spring breakers from the University of Tampa tested positive for COVID-19, and are currently in isolation while doctors supervise them butt-chugging grape Pedialyte with Tylenol.

Stevie Nicks praised artist Harry Styles’ new album ‘Fine Line’, saying she thinks it’s his ‘Rumors’. The music world hasn’t been this stunned since Nicks called Lou Bega’s ‘Mambo No. 5’ his ‘Pac Man Fever’.

The CDC & Microsoft, launched a coronavirus self-checking bot called Clara, to  recommend actions to those who think they have COVID-19 symptoms. You simply visit the CDC website, click the self-checker, and then watch as you’re told not to restart your computer for three hours.