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The American Academy of Opthalmology reports pinkeye can be an early indicator of COVID-19 infection – an opinion shared by the American Academy of Ass-Eaters.

3.28 million workers applied for unemployment benefits last week – spiking both the unemployment rate and boring stories from grandparents who say they never called in sick, ever.

Men are 50% more likely to die from COVID-19 infection, since they won’t ask directions to testing sites.

The $2 trillion federal stimulus package suspends student loan payments for six months, which probably makes it a full year when tacked on to your lazy slacker kid’s repayment record.

AMC movie theatres laid off all 600 corporate employees. If you’d like to donate $10 to a relief fund, you’ll get a small popcorn – same as usual.

The Great Barrier Reef just experienced its most widespread bleaching event on record. It’s killing the corals, but sea turtles are just relieved it’s disinfected.

Media regulator Ofcom claims microwave oven usage slows down wifi signals. They advise you to heat pizza rolls first, then start your porno movie.

Idaho’s governor approved a new law making 16 the minimum age for people to get married in the state, leaving Idaho wedding planners holding the bag on thousands of dollars worth of Paw Patrol-themed wedding decorations.

  • “Great, now we have to get bus tickets to Mississippi” said a couple of hopeless romantic 12-year-olds.

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late wildlife expert Steve Irwin, married Chandler Powell in Queensland’s Australia Zoo. The second-hardest part was holding the ceremony during COVID-19 lockdown; the hardest part was getting the orangutans into bridesmaid dresses.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that the state’s social distancing efforts may be working to slow the spread of COVID-19.  Hot New York City chicks say it’s also working to ghost their soon-to-be-ex-boyfriends.

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A vegan in Australia sued her neighbor for grilling meat in their backyard. The neighbor countersued the vegan for grilling asparagus in hers.

Climate scientists say global warming has lowered the survival chances of the Great Barrier Reef to “very poor”. The outlook is even worse for the Average Barrier Reef.

Google was fined $170 million for collecting and selling YouTube data on children under 13. Parents grew concerned when their small children viewed ads targeted to kids who pick their nose and “feel funny down there”.

Purdue Pharma, makers of OxyContin, is reportedly preparing for bankruptcy. It’s so bad, they’re reaching out to addicts whose lives they’ve ruined for tips on how to be broke.

The American Vaping Association criticized Michigan’s ban of fruit flavored vape pods, saying it’ll only drive teens to smoke tobacco cigarettes. “We hope so”, said the maker of new Fruit Loops Cigarettes.

Presidential candidate and activist Marianne Williamson suggested that people use “the power of the mind” to divert the path of Hurricane Dorian. Which made nuking it seem pretty sensible by comparison.

Brad Pitt quit drinking – making it an even bigger longshot for less-than-gorgeous women to get their shot at Brad Pitt.

Scarlett Johansson said she believes Woody Allen never molested children, adding that, if she’s wrong, she’s 34 and rich so…whatever.

A 78-year-old Australian woman collecting hen’s eggs was pecked to death by her rooster. “If I can’t have you, NOBODY WILL!” shouted the rooster as he was led away by cops in ridiculously tiny leg irons.

Robert Pattinson told Variety that his last four film roles featured him masturbating. Pattinson, who’s been cast as the new Batman, said an early scene has him giving Alfred the night off.