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Disney Imagineering has created autonomous 90-pound robots that can do airborne stunts like high-dives and trapeze work, although the robots’ union rep said they’re only working four-hour shifts and refuse to do any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Khloe Kardashian posted a photo with her new baby, True, along with a message saying that she’s nervous about returning to work. To which everyone in the world replied “what work?”

Scott Pruitt, head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, resigned amid months of allegations of legal and ethical violations. When Pruitt finished his resignation letter, President Trump said to just leave it on the pile.

The first hurricane of the year has been announced as Hurricane Beryl, as in ‘watch it barrel over the areas that just got done cleaning up from last year’s hurricanes’.

Singer Chris Brown was arrested after a concert in Florida; Brown had an outstanding arrest warrant for punching a photographer. He was released on a $2,000 cash bond, plus a $10,000 advance on bail for the other people he plans to punch.

U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar said that officials are racing against a federal judge’s extreme deadlines to reunite up to 3,000 detained migrant children with their parents. Azar said that the children had all been released from cages, but that it will take them some time to walk to get to their parents.

The latest fitness fad is exercising in a cold studio. Brrrn in New York City has studios with temperatures at 45, 55 and 60 degrees.  Or, across town, goons in the Meat Packing District will charge you $50/hour to lift sides of beef.

Mobile trivia game HQ Trivia introduced ‘Streaks’, where players who play multiple games in a row are rewarded with extra lives. They chose the name Streaks after they found their first choice, Dopes Without Friends and Lots Of Spare Time, was too wordy to fit on smartphone screens.

President Trump’s upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin is rumored to be one-on-one, with only Trump, Putin, and their translators present. Google Translate’s Russian/English site has seen a surge in users wanting to know how to say ‘hooker urine’ in Russian.

Luxury cruise line Crystal Cruises is touting its latest mega-cruise, a 105-day voyage on the Crystal Serenity. It departs Miami, and arrives in Italy, via exotic ports in Australia, Central America, Asia and Europe. The cost is over $40,000 per person, but that includes food, and you get to have a strain of norovirus named after you.

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Facebook will begin notifying users if their personal data was provided to Cambridge Analytica, with a red dot indicating Cambridge Analytica Approved Your Friend Request! They’ll then be invited to connect with Cambridge Analytica on Messenger, and see Cambridge Analytica employees’ kids first day of school pictures.

A topless female protester jumped a barricade and charged at Bill Cosby outside of his sexual assault trial. Cosby was kept safely away while he looked for his eyeglasses.

The protester was identified as Nicolle Rochelle, an actress who had guest-starred on The Cosby Show, although she doesn’t remember much about it.

Apple introduced a red iPhone 8, so now anyone can start a nuclear war.

Uber purchased bike-sharing service Jump Bikes; now women can be creeped out by a hairy guy in the front of a tandem bicycle.

A mother’s apology has gone viral, after her elementary-school-aged son wore a McDonald’s ‘I’m Lovin It’ parody t-shirt, depicting ‘golden arches’ as a pair of spread woman’s legs in high heels. The mother said her son will never wear the shirt again, and the boy said three of his teachers asked him on a date.

A new study suggests that exercise can reduce risk from heart disease, even if you have a genetic risk for it. The study followed the results of a half-million people, excluding the ones who had heart attacks while exercising.

A man confessed on Facebook to killing his mother and friend with a stolen rifle. At the time the post was reported and taken down, Wow! and Sad emoji responses were tied.

A 1-year-old boy was struck by an oxygen canister that fell from the ceiling during landing of an American Airlines Hong Kong-to-Dallas flight. The boy was sitting in his mother’s lap at the time of the incident. The mother was scolded for not hitting herself in the head with the oxygen before before letting her boy be hit.

Game-show app HQ Trivia is rolling out social features, so you can connect with friends while you play the game and see if they’re even more stupid than you are.

A new high-speed Florida train has struck and killed a person for the 4th time since launching service. This time the train was northbound so the body landed in Georgia.

 

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The White House banned staffers’ use of personal cell phones in the West Wing. President Trump believes that this is necessary to improve his odds of claiming a cash prize in HQ Trivia.

Thomas Monson, President of the Mormon Church, died at age 90. Donations to the church are requested in lieu of flowers, because that could get expensive sending them to all eight of his wives.

Subaru announced its largest vehicle, the Ascent SUV. It has 19 cup holders and seats eight — two of them on toilets.

It was revealed that a security flaw exists in almost all Intel microprocessors that makes them susceptible to attack. Experts believe that this creates the largest-ever credible alibi for how that porn got on your computer.

Hanson Fitness, a SoHo gym in NYC, will offer a nude full-body-conditioning class starting January 5th. It’s believed to be the first class of its kind, in that all participants are offered blindfolds.

The father of a girl who stabbed her classmate in an offering to the fictitious ‘Slender Man’, is angry that Sony Pictures is releasing a Slender Man movie, without so much as giving his daughter an audition.

Yahoo Sports released video of Olympic snowboarder Shaun White smashing his face on the lip of a half-pipe in New Zealand, requiring over 60 stitches. They’re now calling him The Flying Tomato…Sauce.

Taco Bell is adding seasoned Nacho Fries to their menu in January, and will train counter staff to ask customers if they want fries with their ulcers.

Macy’s is closing more stores and announced 5,000 layoffs. So before you ask if that register is open, the answer is no.

Donald Trump’s personal lawyers sent a cease & desist letter to the publisher of Michael Wolff’s new book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House . The letter claims that the book contains false & baseless claims, and fewer pop-ups than the author promised.