By |

Dollar General will give employees four hours’ pay to get a Covid-19 vaccine. Then they can use that money to buy four items in the store.

Philadelphia is experiencing a rise in stolen license plates for use by criminals on stolen cars. The dumber thieves are taking the Philadelphia Eagles plates.

The Showboat hotel in Atlantic City converted its entire casino into a gaming arcade, in the hope of attracting more families. In response, Atlantic City hookers working the arcade are offering family rates.

Fans in Los Angeles purchased a billboard asking Marvel Studios to bring Iron Man Tony Stark “back to life”. The billboard replaced one purchased to convince teen runaways to come “back to their families”.

A New York man was arrested after telling a woman he matched with on Bumble that he stormed the Capitol on January 6th. She cancelled their first date where he planned to take her to storm an ice cream parlor.

NASA’s Perseverance rover converted a small sample of Mars’ atmosphere into breathable oxygen. “What stinks?” asked Martians.

Women fully vaccinated against COVID-19 are selling “COVID antibody breast milk” online for $2 an ounce or more. If that’s too expensive, they’re selling “COVID antibody cow’s milk” that they spit in for $5 a gallon.

72 Iowa prison inmates received overdoses of COVID-19 vaccine. They pulled the bars off of their cells with their bare hands and remain at large.

Justin Bieber gave a solo acoustic concert at a California state prison. He was pleased with his performance, but disappointed in t-shirt sales.

A UPS driver is credited with rescuing a 4-year-old boy who became trapped under a 90-pound package. The driver is also credited with leaving the 90-pound package on top of a 4-year-old boy.

By |

Monday was National Guacamole Day, making Tuesday National Throw Out Your Brown Guacamole Day.

Scientists at MIT unveiled the blackest black ever created, absorbing 99.9% of light. They’re calling it “Flavor Flav”.

  • While the blackest black ever created is impressive, MIT researchers found most people think the shade that only absorbs 90% of light is prettier.

Rumors circulated that Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man may make one more onscreen appearance in Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie — a scene where Tony Stark gives multiple compelling reasons to Natasha Romanov why she shouldn’t portray Iron Man.

Golfer John Daly’s son, 16-year-old Little John, won the International Junior Golf Tour’s Florida Junior event by nine strokes. The elder Daly said he thinks his kid will get even better as his alcohol tolerance improves.

Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in prison for her part in the Operation Varsity Blues college cheating scandal. The prison is reportedly pretty cushy; Huffman plans to report several hours early for hair & makeup.

Christie Brinkley dropped out of Dancing With The Stars with an arm injury. “Boy, I didn’t think there was a more physically demanding job than modeling!” she said.

Lou Ferrigno – TV’s Hulk – is selling his Los Angeles home for $3.9 million. Ferrigno said the house has “the best home gym in the country”. The equipment is pretty average, but it’s filled with hot young women he paid to be there.

Men’s Health magazine published an article “What Happens To Your Body When You Stop Working Out for 90 Days”. It’s about how Jonah Hill preps for movie roles.

To promote growth of bee populations, McDonald’s in Sweden is converting roadside advertising billboards into hotels for bees. This follows their successful decades-long campaign turning human arteries into hotels for saturated fats.

Couples and therapists are advocating the 5-5-5 Method to resolve conflicts, where one partner talks for 5 minutes, the other talks for 5, then they converse together for 5 more. This is different than the less successful 5 Method, where one partner takes 5 seconds to confess to an affair.

By |

To protect against active shooters, faculty and students at Oakland University in Michigan are being given hockey pucks to defend themselves. They’re being told to throw the pucks at armed killers, because hockey sticks aren’t in the budget. 

A Dallas wedding photographer was kicked out of the reception and arrested after having sex with a guest & urinating on a tree. The guest who had sex with her was allowed to stay, the newlyweds are awaiting their proofs, and the photographer took her own mugshot. 

The new Alliance of American Football had their first ever ‘Quarterback draft’ to select players for the eight teams in the new league. Recently cut Buffalo Bills quarterback Nathan Peterman went undrafted. Said a league spokesman “come on, we’re not that desperate.”

In an interview with the New York Post, President Trump predicted that he’ll never win a Nobel Peace Prize, then took a break to call U.S. Border Patrol agents to see how the tear-gassing of women and children was going. 

Chuck Holton, a correspondent appearing on NRATV, told show host Dana Loesch “we need to train our boys” to charge at active shooters — adding that he’s seen the tactic work countless times in Iron Man and Captain America movies. 

Quentin Tarantino married his longtime girlfriend, singer Daniella Pick. The couple celebrated their first dance as man & wife while the wedding party stood in a circle around them pointing handguns at each other. 

Southwest Airlines apologized to the family of a 5-year-old girl, Abcde [pronounced ‘AB-city’] Redford, after a gate agent mocked the girl’s name in person and on social media. Abcde’s mom said it isn’t her daughter’s fault she was named while giving birth during a field sobriety test. 

A detective is suing the NYPD, claiming that his female boss shoved her dirty underwear in his mouth after he criticized her hanging them in a unisex station bathroom. He is seeking undisclosed damages and reimbursement for gallons of Listerine.

The Chinese government has ordered an end to the controversial trial of gene-editing babies – at least until a team of government experts decides on the right price to charge billionaires for a gene-edited baby. 

At the L.A. Auto Show, Hyundai introduced the 2020 Hyundai Palisade, a 3-row SUV that seats 8 Americans or 20 Koreans.