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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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Disney is pulling back on Marvel & Star Wars content, according to CEO Bob Iger. He cites high production costs, and disappointing ratings for Jersey Shore: Avengers House; and Baby Yoda Meets Honey Boo Boo.

CEO Iger also disputed the idea that Disney sexualizes children. Iger said they identify the talented children, so that they can be sexualized when they become teenagers.

Union actors in the Screen Actors Guild decided to strike, joining Hollywood writers. Unfortunately, TikTok and YouTube “stars” have no plans to stop.

At the UK premiere of Christopher Nolan’s ‘Oppenheimer‘, the film’s stars walked out as a show of solidarity to striking writers and actors; they also freed up three hours of their time that evening.

Temperatures in Death Valley, California are expected to reach 130 degrees – giving local birds a chance to try out new Flamin’ Hot Worms.

India is seeking to become the fourth country to land a spacecraft on the moon, with the Chandrayaan-3 launch. Tbey’re considering manned missions to ensure victory in the first-ever interstellar spelling bee.

Wait times are now significantly shorter at Florida’s Disney World and Universal Studios Orlando theme parks. There are the same number of people in line, but riders are able to step over dozens of people in line who passed out from heat stroke.

A Los Angeles medical examiner determined Lisa Marie Presley died of a small bowel obstruction, or a hunka, hunka blockin’ stuff.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are rumored to be cooperating with Special Prosecutor Jack Smith’s investigations of Donald Trump. Trump is reportedly frustrated with feelings of betrayal toward Ivanka, paired with the usual lust.

A 20-year-old woman is charged with supplying tainted drugs in the overdose death of Robert Deniro’s grandson. Sofia Marks is allegedly known as the ‘Percocet Princess’ – mainly because of the highness.