The Federal Government will once again offer free at-home COVID tests to people who believe in it. They’ll also once again offer NORAD tracking of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve for people who believe in that.

A Philadelphia man is in critical condition after being hit by a car. The driver remained on the scene, making this the city’s first Hit & Stay of 2022.

The Washington Post announced massive layoffs, citing a lack of content that aligned with reader’s interests. In other words, their 10-letter Wordle knockoff isn’t panning out.

A 33-year-old woman was charged with drugging a man in Las Vegas, stealing his $12,000 Rolex watch, and hiding it in her vagina. The victim claimed his wallet is also missing, and police obtained a search warrant for her rectum.

TLC Network will premiere reality series MILF Manor, where 8 middle-aged single moms seek a romantic connection among 8 younger men. MILF Manor replaces the series original title, Perimenopause Palace.

Mobs poured into the streets of Paris after France defeated Morocco in the World Cup semi-final, clashing with police, who dispersed crowds using tear gas and water cannons. Cops preferred water cannons because it also helped with the body odor.

Director James Gunn confirmed that Henry Cavill will not return as Superman in his upcoming DC Films projects, angering DC superfans. Further angering them, the role going to The Big Bang Theory‘s Jim Parsons.

Donald Trump announced he’s selling limited edition $99 digital trading cards. The front features imagery of Trump as a cowboy, astronaut, superhero, etc.. the back features career stats including bankruptcies, settled lawsuits, extramarital affairs, funded abortions, and incorrect golf scores.

Emory University Healthcare fired several maternity nurses who’d posted a viral TikTok video complaining about patients, specifically mothers of newborns. The nurses have not been heard from since reporting to their new jobs at Emory Eldercare.

New York City’s mass transit authority is testing a new system that detects urine in subway elevators. The test is expected to start as soon as they can find an elevator that hasn’t already been pissed in.

Three-Michelin-star restaurant The Restaurant at Meadowood burned down in California wildfires. On the plus side, it’s now easier than ever to get a table.

The CDC released guidelines for Thanksgiving celebrations. They recommend keeping gatherings small and throwing jellied cranberry sauce in the garbage where it belongs.

Shots were fired during a brawl at Reaper’s Realm haunted house attraction in North Carolina. Unfortunately the bullets were unable to stop the werewolf.

A hiker fell 100 feet to his death while posing for a photo on an Oregon trail. “That is a nice picture, though” said someone looking at a framed copy next to the casket.

Actor Jim Parsons told Jimmy Fallon he contracted COVID-19 in March, adding that he lost his sense of taste, because he spent his recovery watching ‘Two Broke Girls’.

Eric Trump told Fox & Friends that he’s “part of the LGBT” community. Asked to clarify, he said “T for Trump”.

Disney is cutting 28,000 jobs at theme parks due to reduced attendance. Disney is now an even smaller world.

Astronauts on the International Space Station have detected the source of an air leak that had been growing in size. NASA now plans to finish repairs once they can get the Flex Seal guy into space.

Walmart is redesigning stores to make it easier for visitors to find what they’re looking for. Each store will now have ten exits.

40,000 airline workers are expected to be furloughed. Airlines would like to start the layoff process by dismissing members of the Platinum Elite Employees Club.