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The FCC certified the next generation of wifi. Soon you may notice a speed boost in the signal you’re stealing from your neighbor.

Denmark’s new animated children’s show ‘John Dillermand’, features a man with a gigantic, uncontrollable penis. It airs along with another new animated show about a paraplegic, ‘Mrs Dillermand’.

A University of Tennessee Chattanooga football coach lost his job after calling Georgia’s Stacey Abrams “Fat Albert” on Twitter. Said the university President: “hey hey hey..you’re fired”.

High-end rare-sneaker reseller to the stars, Benjamin Kickz, was arrested and jailed in Miami for felony robbery. He was not placed on suicide watch because the shoelaces are really valuable too.

The Buffalo Bills are reportedly close to finding a naming rights sponsor for their home field, currently called Freezing Cold Dump Of A Stadium.

KFC introduced the KFC Chicken Sandwich, which it calls ‘an upgrade in every way’ over its current Crispy Colonel sandwich. The new sandwich has 20% more chicken, or, 40% of the meat.

The U.S.’ newest national park is New River Gorge National Park & Preserve. Because it’s in West Virginia, it’s the only national park with a licensed concession stand to purchase meth and opioids.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos and Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao both resigned from their Cabinet positions. They’re the first two female Trump appointees to quit on the same day without also filing sexual harassment lawsuits.

Miya Ponsetto, 22, was arrested in California for assaulting a 14-year-old boy at a New York City hotel who she’d falsely claimed stole her phone. She may fight extradition from Los Angeles to New York, until cops lie and tell her its for an audition.

Boeing agreed to pay $2.5 billion in fines after lying to the FAA about the 737 MAX engineering problems. It’s the largest such settlement for airline deceit, at least until Spirit Airlines settles lawsuits regarding their claiming “it’s a great way to fly”.

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Finland will eliminate separate subjects in public schools. Finnish students will now be able to tell their parents “I’m failing everything”. [Story h/t to K.N.S.]

A viral photo shows a priest baptizing a baby with holy water shot from a squirt gun. The baby is welcome to return in 10 years when the priest will shoot him in the face again.

The manhunt continues for a University of Connecticut student wanted for multiple murders. They’re hoping he’ll surrender and transfer from UConn to UConvict.

Three young Bolivian brothers, ages 12, 10 & 8 – were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them, thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man. “You dopes, the spider has to be radioactive” said Brazil’s best doctor.

Florida theme parks will soon reopen, requiring visitors wear masks and disclaiming they can’t guarantee they won’t be exposed to coronavirus – unless they want to, in which case they can go to new attraction ‘Scrooge McDuck On A Ventilator’.

KFC is testing a new chicken sandwich –  one made with actual chickens.

A male beard model shaved for the first time in 10 years, letting his wife of 7 years see his bare face for the first time. “How fast does it grow back?” she asked.

Stanley Ho, a Macau casino tycoon considered ‘the father of Chinese gambling’, died at age 98. He would have lasted longer, but too many people bet he’d make it to 100.

Uber Eats is launching “family style meals” so everyone in the house can screw the delivery driver out of a tip.

Disney+ premiered ‘Out’ – Pixar’s first short film featuring a gay leading character. It has for years featured gay supporting characters like Rex and Slinky Dog from Toy Story.