Shanghai IKEA was shut down by Chinese authorities as a COVID case was traced to the store. Shoppers rushed to the exits, which only took them 45 minutes to find.

Spider-Man actor Tom Holland is taking a social media break for the sake of his mental health. Holland said he deleted Instagram and Twitter, but can’t leave the Web altogether.

Starbucks is asking the National Labor Relations Board to void mail-in ballots for an upcoming vote to unionize by Kansas City area workers. Similarly, workers asked the NLRB not to allow Starbucks to make workers cast ballots on voting machines in the restrooms.

Polio virus was detected in New York City’s sewage system – along with several paralyzed alligators.

India’s Prime Minister Narendra Modi promised to make India a ‘developed country’ in the next 25 years. And to maybe have drinkable water in the next 125 years.

Georgia U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene said white men are the most persecuted identity in America, and they turn to porn and video games because they have no other opportunities. “See Mom, SHE gets it!” said Georgia 30-year-olds living in their parents basement.

Child development experts say toddler tantrums can be solved with ‘The 10 Minute Miracle’ – giving your child 10 minutes of undivided attention. They say in many cases it won’t even take 10 minutes, because you can strangle them in about 2.

The 100th Anniversary of the ice-cream bar is being commemorated by the Tipsy Scoop company with a Dive Bar – infused with Miller High Life beer, tobacco smoke and peanuts. Like real-life dive bars, you’ll kick it out and tell it never to come back.

A Texas pedophile died when he drank a mystery liquid as a jury found him guilty of sexual assault. In other news, a recall notice has been issued for Mountain Dew Convicted Pedophile Blast soda.

A Child Protective Services worker in Texas was fired for telling a 14-year-old girl who threatened to run away from home that she could become a prostitute. The worker said she made a mistake, she thought the girl was 16.

A Philadelphia man was taken into custody after locking himself in the bathroom at a Planned Parenthood office. “For the last time, you’re not pregnant” said workers.

A nest of 1,500 murder hornets was destroyed in Washington state. The hornets actually excavated a dead tree’s trunk before nesting in it, and may qualify to join a log cutters union.

A woman assaulted by a man on a Tennessee dog walking trail thwarted her assailant by smearing his face with dog poop. The assailant was later captured by police, and identified after the dog sniffed his face.

The U.S. conducted an air strike in Kabul, reportedly killing ISIS-K suicide bombers. “Nooooo… I WANNA DO IT” said the bombers during a tantrum.

A woman was injured at New Jersey’s Six Flags Great Adventure when she slipped and fell off of a roof. Officials have temprorarily shut down the Spider Man’s Shingle Repair ride.

An endangered fin whale that died after being found on a Delaware Beach was discovered to have underlying health conditions. The veterinarian performing the necropsy said the whale suffered from a lack of obesity.

Afghanistan faces a financial crisis because its banks remain closed and citizens have no access to cash. It’s so bad, the country’s largest dealership hasn’t sold a single goat in two weeks.

A gunman who shot at a commuter outside New York Penn Station was sent to jail after calling the judge at his arraignment “bro”. The judge struck his gavel and yelled “you will address me as DUDE!”.

Cecily Barmore, stepdaughter of Dog the Bounty Hunter, was arrested for domestic violence after allegedly punching and biting her boyfriend. The District Attorney has not yet filed charges, after Barmore agreed to heel.

Kid Rock cancelled two shows in Fort Worth, Texas after members of his band tested positive for COVID-19. Rock said via Twitter that he and all his band members have been vaccinated with cow dewormer Ivermectin.

Finland will eliminate separate subjects in public schools. Finnish students will now be able to tell their parents “I’m failing everything”. [Story h/t to K.N.S.]

A viral photo shows a priest baptizing a baby with holy water shot from a squirt gun. The baby is welcome to return in 10 years when the priest will shoot him in the face again.

The manhunt continues for a University of Connecticut student wanted for multiple murders. They’re hoping he’ll surrender and transfer from UConn to UConvict.

Three young Bolivian brothers, ages 12, 10 & 8 – were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them, thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man. “You dopes, the spider has to be radioactive” said Brazil’s best doctor.

Florida theme parks will soon reopen, requiring visitors wear masks and disclaiming they can’t guarantee they won’t be exposed to coronavirus – unless they want to, in which case they can go to new attraction ‘Scrooge McDuck On A Ventilator’.

KFC is testing a new chicken sandwich –  one made with actual chickens.

A male beard model shaved for the first time in 10 years, letting his wife of 7 years see his bare face for the first time. “How fast does it grow back?” she asked.

Stanley Ho, a Macau casino tycoon considered ‘the father of Chinese gambling’, died at age 98. He would have lasted longer, but too many people bet he’d make it to 100.

Uber Eats is launching “family style meals” so everyone in the house can screw the delivery driver out of a tip.

Disney+ premiered ‘Out’ – Pixar’s first short film featuring a gay leading character. It has for years featured gay supporting characters like Rex and Slinky Dog from Toy Story.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to Supreme Court proceedings, after missing time with gastrointestinal issues. In a 6-3 ruling regarding a foul smell in the courtroom, justices ruled Ginsburg “dealt it”.

Motley Crue annouced they’re voiding their ‘Cessation of Touring’ agreement and will headline a stadium tour in 2020.  However an appeal to uphold the agreement and block the Crue from touring was filed by “Music”.

A new space hotel using artificial gravity is scheduled to be in orbit and habitable by 2025, provided they can figure out what to do about guests dying during the walk from the parking lot.

A 5-year-old boy brought heroin to kindergarten and reportedly told classmates when he tasted it, it made him “feel like Spider Man”. Unfortunately, his classmates were helpless as he nodded out and Doctor Octopus stole all of their lunches.

Philadelphia could become the first city to offer so-called ‘safe injection sites’ for heroin users. The plan faces legal hurdles, as does the proposed loyalty program where addicts accumulate reward points redeemable for Eagles merchandise.

A new Stanford University study shows that an antibody injection could prevent the effects of peanut allergies. So far they’ve only seen positive results in animals, because they can’t get allergic kids to sit still for the shots.

Parents who are addicted to their smartphones have a negative impact on their children’s development, according to bummed out parents reading about the study on their smartphone.

A new lawsuit accuses Ben & Jerry’s of lying when they claim their ice cream is only made from “happy cows” on farms with the ‘Caring Dairy’ certification. As evidence, the plaintiffs cite the high levels of Prozac found in their Chunky Monkey.

‘Ford v. Ferrari’, starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale, topped the weekend box office with $31 million. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ bombed, taking in just over $8 million – surprising experts who predicted Charlie’s Angels would earn 75% of a movie starring men.

  • It was so bad, Charlie didn’t even see it.

Dunkin’ is planning to discontinue using styrofoam coffee cups in favor of double-walled paper cups. Regulars are eager to hold them to see what gets hotter – their fingers, or the burning in their stomachs.

 

 

VP Mike Pence announced the 2020 launch of the Space Force. That is, unless a Democrat is elected President in 2020, in which case The Force Will Not Be With Us.

A viral video shows a large alligator scaling a fence. The U.S. Border Patrol is now on the lookout for alligators smuggling immigrants from Mexico in their stomachs.

Sony Pictures is pulling Spider-Man out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe due to a profit-sharing dispute with Marvel parent company Disney. Spider-Man will be leaving the Avengers, but is excited about joining Charlie’s Angels.

Delta Airlines claims to have not bumped a single passenger in the last five months – but would not say if passengers accepted offers to share crates with dogs.

Philadelphia Chief of Police Richard Ross resigned over not doing enough to limit sexual harrassment among the force’s rank-&-file. Ross allegedly tried every kind of bribe to stop it.

Walmart is suing Tesla. They claim Tesla solar panels are catching fire, creating a safety issue. Walmart said they’re used to stores being dumpster fires, but not roof fires.

85-year-old Larry King filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn. King updated his Facebook relationship status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated – and by ‘It’ I mean sex because I’m 85 years old”.

ABC announced the 12 new contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, including former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who insisted that it’s 24 contestants.

Popeye’s, Chick-fil-A, Wendy’s, and other brands are fighting on Twitter about who has the best chicken sandwich. KFC is sitting it out, so as not to focus attention on what’s in its “chicken” sandwich.

The Washington Post profiled Revel, a company renting electric mopeds for riding in D.C. The author said the moped turned everyone’s head, including his own when he was struck by a city bus.

 

 

 

Microsoft is offering free software to boards of election in U. S. municipalities to prevent voting machine hacking. This follows several years of Facebook making their free software available to manipulate elections.

Tom Brady was criticized for diving off a Costa Rica cliff while holding his 6-year-old daughter’s hand. He then let some air out of his daughter and got a better grip for their second jump.

The Wyoming Valley School District in Pennsylvania is warning families their kids could be sent to foster care if school lunch debts remain unpaid. The kids are fine with it and want to know what their foster families are serving for lunch.

A Congresswoman said she witnessed hundreds of men and women held in a room for hours doing nothing during an oppressive heat wave. Then she left the House of Representatives and visited a Border Patrol detention center in Texas.

President Trump dropped in on a Saturday wedding reception at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. Trump called the couple over to pose for photos, then told them to go back where they came from.

At San Diego Comic-Con, Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige confirmed there will be more LGBTQ characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe – leading to Peter Parker & Mary Jane Watson’s first awkward three-way.

During a guided safari tour on Saturday at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in Farmington, Pennsylvania, a Himalayan bear reached through a fence and bit an employee’s arm. “NOW will you get me some cold water?” said the bear standing in 98-degree heat.

Natalie Portman will play the first-ever female Thor in new Marvel film ‘Thor: Love and Thunder’. Plot details are scarce, but are believed to involve lady Thor’s search to replace Mjolnir, Hammer of the Gods, with a more sensible rechargeable cordless drill.

A new study claims women are more likely to die in vehicle accidents because “female” crash test dummies are much smaller than real women, meaning seat belts and airbags aren’t properly designed. Also, female crash test dummies don’t text or distract male drivers by asking to use restrooms.

Rumors circulating about Apple’s iPhone 12 claim it will have a revolutionary new display — it will use OLED technology, and will need to be dropped a second time before it breaks.