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Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano erupted for the first time in two years, figuring if there’s ever a good time to spew more toxins into the air, it’s probably now.

Mark Wahlberg disappointed Australian fans at the grand opening of one of his F45 Fitness Gyms. Wahlberg spent a mere five minutes posing for pics at the new gym in Woolloomooloo, Sydney, before bidding everyone TooDooLooLoo.

An 18-year-old woman from Georgia was sentenced to four months in jail in the Cayman Islands for breaking COVID-19 protocols. Her parents appealed to Donald Trump for assistance, and are confident he’ll follow up, because she’s kinda hot.

The U.K. is in lockdown after a more transmissible, mutated, strain of coronavirus ravages the area. It’s so unpopular, instead of COVID-20, they’re calling it “Meghan”.

Following vaccination of healthcare workers, a CDC Advisory Panel recommends Americans 75 & older be next in line for vaccines. The panel is also warning their grandchildren to expect long, boring stories about it.

Apple may launch the Apple Car as early as next year. Pricing is not yet available, although interested buyers are being told to buy a case for it so the windshield doesn’t break when they hit the curb.

Ariana Grande is engaged to real estate broker Dalton Gomez. Grande plans to enter the studio to begin recording her next album about dumping him.

The new $900 billion government stimulus package reportedly contains $600 direct payments to Americans, billions in expanded unemployment benefits, and about $400 billion to the Russians hacking into the Treasury to take it.

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro raged against the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, saying if the vaccine turned someone into an alligator, Pfizer bears no legal liability. Pfizer said its vaccine does not turn people into alligators, because it would make the second vaccine dose really hard to administer.

New video emerged of a United Airlines passenger receiving CPR before dying of COVID-19 symptoms midflight, and of the the courageous flight attendant trying to push her cart over him to complete beverage service.

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Cherry Hill East High School apologized for its “insensitive” prom tickets which read “party like it’s 1776”, since the event happens at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. African American students found the phrase offensive; prom organizers claim they weren’t thinking of slavery, just about how many 17-year-olds got pregnant in 1776.

A Lyft driver kicked a gay male couple out of his vehicle after they kissed each other. The driver explained  he needed the space for a hotter gay female couple that wanted to kiss.

Government statistics released this week show declining birth rates in every age group of U.S. women except one: women in their 40s. Experts attribute the rise in 40+ women having babies to improved fertility treatments, lower standards, and cheaper alcohol.

A mountain lion fatally attacked a bicyclist on a remote trail in North Bend, Washington. Police shot and killed the lion as it fled on the bicycle.

A double amputee with no legs reached the summit of Mount Everest. Asked by his sherpa if his feet were cold, he replied “probably”.

Some residents of Hawaii’s Big Island had to be airlifted as lava from the Kilauea volcano advanced at rates of 300 to 400 yards per hour. So far the lava flows have destroyed 26 homes and interrupted countless pizza deliveries.

Singing star Grimes, currently dating Tesla founder and billionaire Elon Musk, is changing her first name to ‘c’, the symbol for the speed of light — and, as in, “let’s c how much money this guy will spend on me.”

Jonathan Oddi, the man arrested for entering Trump Doral Golf Club, shooting at a chandelier and exchanging gunfire with officers, was a bodybuilder and porn performer. He’s believed to be the first porn actor not welcome at a Trump Property.

A woman who left behind a cooler containing 100 ounces of her breast milk on a United flight from Florida to New Jersey was thrilled to hear that it was recovered by a flight attendant who delivered it to her house. “Here’s your 40 ounces of breast milk” he said, adding “a lot of people bought white russians on the flight after yours.”

A new World Health Organization report claims that exercising in polluted areas could be bad for your health – the report followed swimmers and aquacizers who worked out daily in the YMCA pool after kids pissed in it.

A deaf couple traveling on Delta Airlines with a Great Dane service dog got in a shoving match with a couple who complained the dog was too big, and who allegedly punched it. The couple tried telling their dog to heel, but it didn’t understand sign language.