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Apple named the most popular apps of 2019. The number one paid iPad app was digital design tool Procreate. The number one iPad activity was watching couples Procreate on porn sites.

Ring admitted they gave police departments maps of installed video doorbells for over a year. They also admitted giving maps of failed video doorbell installs to electricians who actually know what they’re doing.

  • Police departments say they only use the doorbell footage to investigate crime, but dogs say it violates their privacy while they piss on the front steps.

Sony Playstation received a Guinness World Record for top-selling gaming console of all time. The award was accepted by Crash Bandicoot, who then jumped to his death.

Forbes Magazine claims studio execs in charge of the DC Cinematic Universe don’t know what to do with the ‘Superman’ franchise to make him relevant to modern audiences. They’re considering having the Man of Steel identify as Wonder Woman.

North Korea warned the United States if nuclear talks aren’t resumed by December 31st, the U.S. can expect a “nasty Christmas gift.” In related news, North Korea prepaid shipping to the District of Columbia for thousands of Chia Pets.

Chicago’s Police Superintendent, Eddie Johnson, was fired following an investigation of an October incident where he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV. Johnson claimed he had changed his blood pressure medication – from Diovan to Hennessy.

McDonald’s is testing a new fried chicken sandwich in two cities – Houston, Texas and Knoxville, Tennessee.  Houston & Knoxville were selected after representatives from each city won title fights in Popeye’s parking lots.

Growers of the new ‘Cosmic Crisp’ apple say it can last up to a year. They’ve even devised a system where grocery store produce managers message you a year after you buy them, reminding you to throw them out.

Marvel Studios released the first teaser trailer for ‘Black Widow’, along with teaser excuses why it won’t sell as many tickets as their other movies.

WalletHub compiled a list of the 20 Least Safe Cities in the U.S. The most unsafe city in the country? St. Louis. It’s so bad that there, WalletHub changed its name to StolenWalletHub.

 

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Ten Philadelphia Police Academy recruits resigned after officials found they planned to cheat on an exam. Philly cops were happy with their decision, saying that, lacking proper training, the rookies wouldn’t know how to properly split bribes.

Knoxville police arrested Dorrae Johnson for DUI and found a dead man’s torso in the car. Johnson hit the deceased, split him in two, and left half the body at the scene. He was charged with homicide and using the carpool lane with less than two whole occupants.

7-Eleven is offering delivery of its most popular items. Store owners will now go to your house to be robbed.

Over twenty Hollywood stars presented a 10-act staging of the Mueller report Monday evening. Said the playwright, “There are no small parts, just some obstructions of justice smaller than others.”

Bernie Sanders announced a plan to retire all $1.5 trillion of outstanding student debt. He was immediately presented with an invoice for $1 billion from the bursar’s office of Trump University.

Eldorado Resorts will acquire Caesars Entertainment Corporation for $8.58 billion. They’re good for it..they just need a little more time to come up with the money.

A new app, Bye Bye Camera, removes all people from the photos. Instead of selfies, it takes nobodies.

At a Buffalo Wild Wings near Los Angeles, a live rat fell from the ceiling on to a customer’s table. The restaurant was shut down as the manager determines how the rat got from the fryer to the ceiling.

Walmart is using artificial intelligence to reduce theft at its self checkout kiosks. In addition to “scan your next item” and “place the item in the bagging area”, the kiosks also say “freeze dirtbag you’re under arrest”.

Five men are dead after a golf course argument in California erupted in gunfire. Police are examining shell casings and scorecards to see how many shots it took them to finish five holes.