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The New York Times endorsed both Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren as Democratic Party candidates for President. Donald Trump said that he, too, endorses “two women at the same time”.

Frontier Communications, which provides cable tv & internet service in 29 different states, plans to file for bankruptcy. Executives blame high operating expense, and not realizing that they could just jack up prices every year for the hell of it.

Golf-ball sized hailstones hit parts of Australia. Koalas and kangaroos, already exhausted by wildfires, are now dealing with concussions.

Kelly Ripa said that she stopped drinking when Ryan Seacrest became her cohost, adding that it’s probably a good idea to wait until the show’s over at 10a.m., anyway.

Prince Harry said he and Meghan Markle had “no other option” than to stand down as royals. Meanwhile a thousand different homeless Londoners asked if they could try out Harry & Meg’s unacceptable option for a couple of days.

French tennis player Elliot Benchirit was told off by an Australian Open umpire because he asked a tournament ball girl to peel the banana he planned to eat during a changeover. The umpire told Benchirit to take it out of his shorts pocket.

Gun rights advocates gathered in Richmond, Virginia in a protest against additional gun control in the state. Asked how it was different from a Trump rally, attendees said “calmer, with fewer guns”.

Navigation app Waze is mistakenly sending drivers heading to the Borgata hotel in Atlantic City to a wildlife preserve 60 miles away. The wildlife preserve was established as a safe haven for retired Atlantic City hookers.

A commercial airline pilot has been fired for writing pro-Trump and racist graffiti in the bathroom of a Florida airport. The pilot admitted he has “anger issues” and “a new job with Frontier Airlines”.

Tim Tebow got married in South Africa over the weekend. His wife said she hopes the avowed virgin Tebow is better at sex than he is at baseball.

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Camden, New Jersey opened a new downtown beer garden, for people who like to enjoy a couple of drinks before getting stabbed.

Wildlife officials warn koalas are “functionally extinct”. With just 80,000 creatures, there may not be enough breeding adults to sustain a new generation. “They’re right, it’s pretty dead in here” said a male on Koala Tinder.

Astronomers are learning more about MU69, a flat rock 20 miles wide orbiting 4 million miles from the sun. They’ve determined it’s a rock, it’s cold, and maybe they should turn their attention to more interesting stuff.

2016 Chicago Cubs World Series MVP Ben Zobrist and his wife, Julianna, are divorcing. Zobrist alleges his wife has been taken out to a different ball game.

A Tesla Model 3 driver operating his car in autopilot mode collided with a truck and died, the third such fatality recorded. Tesla said they’re deciding between updating software or renaming the car Tesla 737 MAX.

Some brands of tattoo ink are being recalled because they contain harmful bacteria. You’re advised to seek medical attention if your Fighting Irishman starts foaming at the mouth.

Facebook is reportedly changing its algorithm to emphasize ‘worthwhile’ and ‘close friend’ content – leaving users scrambling to find deals on Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg movies before they disappear.

President Trump unveiled a new immigration plan, intended to prioritize immigrants with valuable skills like golf course & country club lawn maintenance.

Grumpy Cat passed away at age 7, following complications from a urinary tract infection. Less lethal complications included her pissing on the sofa.

In the wake of new legislation outlawing abortions, Alabama clinics are being flooded with calls from women asking if they’re still open. Conversely, Alabama drug stores aren’t getting any panicked calls from men asking if they still sell condoms.