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As her hit song ‘Juice’ played in the arena during a Los Angeles Lakers game, singer Lizzo lifted her dress to show her thong and buttocks. Some players and fans enjoyed it, others considered it technically foul.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis advocates closing a legal loophole that allowed a Saudi national in training at a U.S. naval base to own the gun he used on a killing spree. Desantis clarified that he’s still okay with good ol’ U.S.-born lunatics shooting up public places.

President Trump tweeted Democrats have no “smocking gun” in the impeachment inquiry, leading to criticism of his misspellng on Twitter. Republicans rushed to his defense, complimenting him on the correct spelling of “gun”.

Finland’s Sanna Marin, age 34, is set to become the world’s youngest prime minister. She’s so far from her prime that they’re changing the title to Millennial Minister.

South Africa’s Zozbini Tunzi was crowned Miss Universe 2019. The only thing with more Zs than her name was the audience sleeping through the interview portion of the pageant.

Walmart Canada faces criticism for selling ugly Christmas sweaters depicting Santa, among other things, doing cocaine; getting anally probled by an alien, and warming his testicles by a fire. The sweaters are available in the stores’ Formal Wear Department.

China’s national government plans to remove foreign hardware and software from its state department. So far they’ve spent two weeks trying to find hardware that isn’t made in China.

Travel & Leisure magazine named its Top 50 vacation destinations for 2020. Number one on the list is Addis Ababa, Ethiopia – but they say to bring plenty of your own snacks.

Kentucky police seized a parcel shipped to a Louisville man’s home – an air fryer that contained 20 pounds of meth. The man was arrested and is now being treated for  addiction to french fries he made.

Family court judge Dawn Gentry of Kenton County, Kentucky, is accused of having sexual threesomes in her court chambers, as well as pressuring lawyers for sexual favors. It was so bad, instead of Your Honor, they called her You’re In Her.

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Chinese officials detained an American FedEx pilot, telling him he absolutely, positively had to be questioned overnight.

Firearms manufacturer Colt said they’re halting production of AR-15 assault rifles for the consumer market, citing surplus inventory. A ‘buy one now, get one free for a future mass shooting’ sale was not a success.

A scientist who works identifying fossils has found a way to identify criminals from partial hair samples that don’t include the root. Score one for cops, and one for bald serial killers.

North America’s bird population has dropped by almost one-third in the past 50 years, making liars of everyone saying the U.S. is for the birds.

A Delta Airlines flight dropped 30,000 feet of altitude without warning, releasing oxygen masks and terrifying passengers who sent frantic texts like “I love you”; “Pray for me”; and “Where’s my gin and tonic?”

Lizzo accused her Postmates delivery person of stealing her food order. The delivery driver said he did what he had to do to feed a family of 8.

Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, site of a 1979 meltdown, is closing today. Construction begins tomorrow on Cooling Tower Condominiums.

Tom Brady tweeted that he shut off the Thursday Night Football game between the Titans and Jaguars because of poor officiating. “Is that any way to talk about your best friends?” replied NFL referees.

Amazon committed to use 100% renewable energy and purchase 40,000 electric delivery vans to fight climate change, while they deliver all of the plastic crap you buy.

Mark Zuckerberg met with Donald Trump at the White House, but didn’t check in.

 

 

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Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.