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Starbucks shareholders rejected the proposed compensation of CEO Kevin Johnson, downgrading his venti-million-dollar bonus to tall, and writing Ken Johnston on it.

A judge ruled the trial of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin for the killing of George Floyd will remain in the city, saying they didn’t budget all that money on barricades and riot gear for nothing.

A new book, ‘Countdown‘, by New York doctor Shanna Swan, claims toxic chemicals have reduced male sperm counts by almost 60% since 1973. Swan cites a variety of chemicals, but specifically points out that Miller Lite was introduced in 1973.

Tanzania’s President John Magufuli, a COVID-19 skeptic who hadn’t procured any vaccines for his country, died of heart disease. Vice President Samia Suluhu Hassan was sworn in for her 30-day term until she dies of COVID-19.

An assistant district attorney in Bucks County, Pennsylvania was demoted for making GrubHub deliveries during work hours. He was caught after requesting a trial recess, then returning to the courtroom and asking jurors “who ordered the Quarter Pounder Value Meal?”

A 59-year-old Las Vegas billionaire is suing his 26-year-old ex-girlfriend, an Only Fans model, for using his properties to stage nude photos, including one wearing only a yarmulke from his son’s Bar Mitzvah. The model is currently dating his son.

Following multiple allegations of racist & homophobic language, ‘The Talk’ host Sharon Osbourne claims she’s receiving death threats. Asked who’s making them, Osbourne replied “p*ssy lickers, persian carpet c**ts, wontons, you name it”.

A lighting crew member died on the set of ABC’s ‘The Conners’. Right now, officials are only sure that he didn’t die of laughter.

Apple is planning massive privacy updates to iOS 14 this Spring, which may limit Facebook’s ability to get information from iPhone users. In response, Facebook is replacing Friend Requests with Stranger Requests.

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart got engaged to drag racer Leah Pruett. Stewart was quick to point out Pruett competes in top-fuel National Hot Rod Association events, not the other king of drag races.

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Seattle Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki retired following the team’s game in his home country of Japan. Suzuki is professional baseball’s all-time base hit leader among players who have never had sex with a 15-year-old girl.

  • Baseball historians remain surprised that, between Suzuki and Pete Rose, the Japanese guy had the less-ridiculous haircut.

Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton sets personal challenges each month. For February, the second month of the year, he ate vegan. For March, the third month, he’s celibate. So starting April, he’ll be fourth and long.

Country singer Justin Carter died after accidentally shooting himself in the head with a prop handgun on the set of a music video, prompting 10 other artists to write country songs about it.

Jimmy Carter turned 94 years, 171 days old today, surpassing George W. Bush’s record as Oldest Former Living President.  Donald Trump eagerly awaits his passing so he can tweet a bunch of mean sh*t about him.

Papa John’s hired Shaquille O’Neal to be its celebrity spokesperson, and also gave him a seat on its Board Of Directors. Papa John’s believes there is tremendous synergy, since most of their broke drivers totaling cars delivering pizzas are insured by The General.

Tesla is accusing a former employee of stealing trade secrets for self-driving cars and giving them to a Chinese rival. The employee claims he did so for the greater good, thinking China would be better off with cars driving themselves versus Chinese people doing so.

MillerCoors is suing the maker of Bud Light over what they claim are deceiving ads stating that Miller Lite and Coors Light contain corn syrup. Bud Light’s defense is that the ads aren’t all that effective, since domestic light beer drinkers really don’t care what’s in it to begin with.

Elementary school teachers in Indiana are asking for changes to sheriff’s department active shooter drills, saying they suffered welts & small cuts from fake bullets fired with Airsoft guns. For their part, the 2nd & 3rd graders had fun shooting their teachers.

Law enforcement officials made the largest cocaine bust ever at the Port of Philadelphia, seizing 992 pounds with a street value of $18 million — or, $36 million if it was sold in bags with a Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl logo on them.

Philadelphia may get the nation’s first medically-supervised injection facility for opioid addicts.  In order to manage traffic, users will be able to make reservations at OpenNeedle.com .

 

 

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A 22-year-old Virginia woman found a metal hook inside of her Playtex Simply Gentle Glide tampon. The company said they’d refund her $7 purchase, and apologized for the hook, and the worm on it.

An Indiana middle school student told Apple’s Siri assistant “I’m going to shoot up a school”, then posted a screenshot of a list of local schools Siri gave in response. His friends told police and he was arrested. Reached for comment, Siri said she just wanted to get that crazy kid out of her house.

Deals site Simple Thrifty Living researched the cheapest state to buy cases of Miller Lite and Bud Light beer. Michigan was the cheapest at an average of $14.62 per case; Pennsylvania was most expensive at $21.98.  Pennsylvania’s Liquor Control Board said that, while beer is more expensive, there are more choices for liver transplant surgery.

Randi Zuckerberg said her father offered her and her brother, Mark, the option to own & operate a McDonald’s franchise instead of going to college. Mark decided to go to Harvard, drop out and start Facebook, since he didn’t think he’d be able to harvest and sell as much personal information from a McDonald’s franchise.

A pregnant Catholic school teacher in Pennsylvania claims she was fired from her job because she’s having a child out of wedlock with her boyfriend. School administrators don’t dispute her story, but wish she’d claimed Immaculate Conception because then everyone would have been cool with it.

New Jersey will gradually raise the minimum wage to $15/hour by 2024. The move is expected to make New Jersey a more appealing life and work destination for no one.

The White House says President Trump’s Tuesday State of the Union address will be ‘Unifying’ and ‘Optimistic’ — adding that instead of a speech, Trump will be addressing the country with a rerun of The West Wing.

Democratic Congressmen are still planning to attend the State of the Union, most after finding they can’t get more than $5 for their seats on Stubhub.

Jury deliberations began in the New York felony trial of Mexican druglord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Deliberations are expected to be prolonged because of the time involved to provide all of the jurors with completely new identities.

The City of Philadelphia is proposing a ban on cashless businesses, saying they discriminate against the poor. The legislation is supported by Councilman Bill Greenlee, and the head of the Philadelphia Armed Robbers Union.

The body of a man found dead in Tennessee’s Great Smoky Mountains had died of a meth overdose before being partially eaten by a bear. The bear was ultimately euthanized after three unsuccessful attempts at rehab.