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For the first time, scientists observed a wild orangutan chewing a medicinal plant, then placing it on its own face to treat a wound. The orangutan tried the plant thing after figuring out that wiping his poop on the wound didn’t help.

The blue rock thrush – an extremely rare bird – was spotted in Oregon, the first-ever North American sighting. Meanwhile, bird watchers reported thousands of sightings of the classic rock thrush at an REO Speedwagon concert.

Tiger Woods accepted an exemption from the United States Golf Association and will participate in this year’s U.S. Open. It’s the first time he’s needed an exemption since 1996, before he banged his first restaurant hostess.

Peloton laid off 400 employees and the CEO is quitting. They’ve been offered severance, and an instructor to yell “come on! you can do it!” at them.

New Jersey parents filed a lawsuit after their 5-year-old daughter’s arm was stuck in an elevator door. After the lawsuit, they expect their bank balance to be Going Up!

With Indiana Fever star Caitlin Clark joining the league and drawing a huge airport crowd at a game in Dallas, players are once again calling for private air travel instead of commercial. League owners are balking, asking WNBA players how many other people making $75,000 a year they know who fly on private jets.

Shares of Novo Norodisk, maker of weight loss drug Wegovy, dropped 7% after releasing first quarter results. The CEO had to remind everybody that declining numbers aren’t always a good thing.

A Pennsylvania man awaits sentencing from Turks & Caicos after mistakenly bringing live ammunition on a vacation there. While he hopes to avoid jail time, prosecutors assured him he’ll be housed in an all-inclusive resort.

A North Carolina couple said their 3-year-old daughter’s insistence that a ‘monster’ lived in her bedroom wall led to the discovery of 50,000 bees. “See, there’s no monster, now go to sleep” said the parents.

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem falsely claims in a new book she met North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un while serving in Congress, ‘staring him down’. She is now backtracking saying she stared down the delivery driver for Jong Kim Un’s korean barbecue when they delivered the wrong order.

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The American Academy of Opthalmology reports pinkeye can be an early indicator of COVID-19 infection – an opinion shared by the American Academy of Ass-Eaters.

3.28 million workers applied for unemployment benefits last week – spiking both the unemployment rate and boring stories from grandparents who say they never called in sick, ever.

Men are 50% more likely to die from COVID-19 infection, since they won’t ask directions to testing sites.

The $2 trillion federal stimulus package suspends student loan payments for six months, which probably makes it a full year when tacked on to your lazy slacker kid’s repayment record.

AMC movie theatres laid off all 600 corporate employees. If you’d like to donate $10 to a relief fund, you’ll get a small popcorn – same as usual.

The Great Barrier Reef just experienced its most widespread bleaching event on record. It’s killing the corals, but sea turtles are just relieved it’s disinfected.

Media regulator Ofcom claims microwave oven usage slows down wifi signals. They advise you to heat pizza rolls first, then start your porno movie.

Idaho’s governor approved a new law making 16 the minimum age for people to get married in the state, leaving Idaho wedding planners holding the bag on thousands of dollars worth of Paw Patrol-themed wedding decorations.

  • “Great, now we have to get bus tickets to Mississippi” said a couple of hopeless romantic 12-year-olds.

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late wildlife expert Steve Irwin, married Chandler Powell in Queensland’s Australia Zoo. The second-hardest part was holding the ceremony during COVID-19 lockdown; the hardest part was getting the orangutans into bridesmaid dresses.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that the state’s social distancing efforts may be working to slow the spread of COVID-19.  Hot New York City chicks say it’s also working to ghost their soon-to-be-ex-boyfriends.