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A Mount Laurel, NJ man caught on video directing racial slurs at his neighbors was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Thousands of other New Jersey residents not recorded on video doing the same thing remain at large.

Mail order dental business Smile Direct Club is shutting down. Customers who haven’t finished straightening their teeth will be offered other do-it-yourself options from Home Depot.

Baseball star Shohei Ohtani is signing a record $700 million, 10-year deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to the $70 million per year, Ohtani will also receive Taylor Swift’s phone number.

A Pakistani woman escaped an arranged marriage to her cousin by joining the U.S Air Force. She’s now stationed at an Air Force base in Mississippi, where dozens of locals tell her marrying their cousin isn’t so bad.

A new study finds owning a cat could double the risk of developing schizophrenia. The cat is fine with it so long as it gets fed.

Lindsay & Cade Brown are stepsiblings with a growing TikTok following, who share videos about how they got married and started a family. They’re also set to star in Pornhub’s first-ever sitcom.

Ana Akiva. a former pastor in Brazil, joined OnlyFans. She doesn’t see why Catholic priests should be the only ones who get to show their naked body to teenage boys.

A vampire-slaying kit once owned by a British aristocrat sold at auction for nearly $16,000. The buyer said he didn’t want to spend the money, but four different exterminators turned him down.

University of Pennsylvania President Liz McGill resigned after being criticized for not taking a more forceful stance against antisemitism. McGill also cancelled her Hanukkah party due to projected low turnout.

Cardi B. confirmed she and her husband are calling it Offset. While they’ll no longer be husband & wife, he hopes they can still be a-Migos.

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Donald Trump turns 77 today. He’ll celebrate at a small party where a woman will pop out of a cake to deliver grand jury indictments for election tampering in Georgia.

A man bit his friend’s ear during a fight outside of a Sullivan’s Steakhouse in King of Prussia, PA. The man explained the ear was cheaper than the $20 shrimp cocktail appetizer.

The town of Elko, Nevada is overrun by Mormon crickets, who emerged from their dormant phase and infested the town. They’re expected to move on to other cities as part of their mission to convert other insects to Mormonism.

Disney/Pixar debuts Carls Date, an animated short featuring Carl Fredericksen, widowed senior husband from the movie ‘Up‘, going on a date with a new lady friend. Carl is nervous because he hasn’t dated in 50 years, and because he can’t get it Up.

India & Pakistan are bracing for the arrival of Cyclone Biparjoy, which could match the devastation of last year’s monsoons. Meanwhile, the rest of the world wonders if Biparjoy is a male or female name.

The Southern Baptist Convention voted to bar churches with women pastors, saying “female pastors are a precursor to acceptance of homosexuality and sexual immorality.” They add that male pastors already have homosexuality and sexual immorality covered.

Johns Hopkins University supposedly redefined lesbian to make it a more inclusive term, defining it as “a non-man attracted to another non-man”. “Well, I guess we’re lesbians then” said talking hetero animals.

A TikTok star with celiac disease claims she suffered explosive diarrhea on a 15-hour Emirates Airlines flight from Dubai to Los Angeles after being given a pastry with gluten. The airline apologized, saying it mistakenly switched her special gluten-free meal with another passenger’s special explosive diarrhea meal.

A 28-year-old Louisiana woman was arrested for fraudulently posing as a 17-year-old and enrolling in high school. Teachers grew suspicious when they determined she couldn’t be a Louisiana high-schooler, since she was reading at a sixth-grade level.

In Oklahoma, workers rescued a cat and dog that became stuck when they went under a backyard deck. The pair explained that they didn’t think the world would understand their forbidden love for one another.

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Former Pakistan Prime Minister Imran Khan was shot in the foot in a reported assassination attempt. Police describe the alleged assailant as ‘short’.

Netflix launched a ‘Basic with Ads’ plan, with commercials inserted into content, starting with Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story presented by Manwich.

German pro surfer Sebastian Steudtner set the world record for riding a 115-foot wave in Nazare, Portugal. Officials are still waiting to verify a record from August where an underaged drinker rode a 120-foot wave of empty Coors Light cans at the Jersey Shore.

Twitter users are reporting a recent surge in hate speech and the use of racial slurs. They attribute it to Elon Musk’s new ownership, and their own decision to follow Kanye West.

Viral video shows Houston philanthropist “Mattress Mack” getting in a fight with a Philadelphia Phillies fan at Game 3 of the World Series in Philadelphia. No word if he came back for Game 4, which would mark the Re-turn of the Mack…Re-turn of the Mack….

According to archaeologists, the burial site for a child in Finland who died 8,000 years ago during the Stone Age revealed “surprises” – specifically, a New Kids On The Block poster.

Charges are pending for a student in Berks County, Pennsylvania who took a selfie holding a handgun in a high school bathroom. The student claims the weapon was an innovative way to deal with constipation from cafeteria food.

McDonald’s is reporting increased business from low-income customers due to rising inflation, despite a 10% year-over-year increase in prices. In turn, low-income customers report a 20% year-over-year increase in bad cholesterol.

Kendall Jenner turned 27, as she celebrated with her family, and the mathematician she hired to help her past 10 while counting candles on the cake.

NFL legend Ray Guy – the first punter enshrined in the Hall of Fame – passed away at age 73. No word on funeral arrangements were announced, but it’s presumed he’ll be downed in the Coffin Corner of his hometown cemetery.