By |

A Fairfield, Ohio substitute teacher was removed from a middle school classroom after he allegedly masturbated behind the desk with students present.  School officials also confiscated the movie he was showing in health class.

A Mississippi man had his leg amputated following a duck hunting accident, when his dog stepped on a gun and it fired, hitting him. Since the incident occurred in Mississippi, the dog was not charged because he’s allowed to own & fire a gun without a permit.

Pizza Hut is expanding its beer delivery service to over 1,000 locations before summer. Pizza Hut executives say the top question customers ask when adding beer to an order is if they can cancel the pizza.

The New York Police Department closed sexual assault investigations into celebrity chef Mario Batali without filing charges – although detectives are not ruling out new menu items.

Oxford Pennant, a local business in Buffalo, NY, is hoping to improve the city’s reputation by holding a sweepstakes to win a two-night all-expenses-paid trip to the city. So far, they’ve received 28,000 entries from Guatemalan asylum-seekers.

Jeff Bezos and his wife Mackenzie filed for divorce.  Bezos then signed on to Amazon, and his ‘Recommendations For You’ already featured five different supermodels.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture reports the United States has a record 1.4 billion pound surplus of cheese. “We’re doing all we can” said mice eating queso at Chipotle.

Amazon has an under-the-radar program that sends select customers free samples of items such as coffee and dog food.  Customers writing reviews saying they didn’t like the taste of the dog food are removed from the program.

United is the first U.S. airline to take delivery of the massive new 300-passenger Boeing 787 Dreamliner. It has extra-wide aisles for dragging overbooked Economy passengers from the plane and special storage for animals that die on board.

NBC News reports that the U.S. Government shutdown is forcing the FDA to suspend routine food safety inspections. Or, as the FDA calls it, a Romaine Holiday.

 

By |

TIME Magazine named ‘The Silence Breakers’ – women telling their stories of sexual abuse – as its 2017 Person of the Year. In other news, Pyongyang TIME Magazine named Kim Jong Un as Benevolent Supreme Leader of the Year for the sixth straight time.

In an interview with The Sunday Times, actor Gabriel Byrne said that co-star Kevin Spacey’s inappropriate sexual behavior caused a two-day shutdown on the film The Usual Suspects. Since Spacey insisted on remaining in character, it took him longer to catch up with underage boys while walking with a limp.

A UPS tractor-trailer caught fire in suburban Maryland. Tracking data for the affected shipments have been updated accordingly: “Your Package Is On The Way! Fire!”

Google is assigning 10,000 employees to audit YouTube for objectionable content posted on videos of, and for, children. So far, a small percentage of employees have taken down crude content from pedophiles, while thousands of other employees are making great money watching cat videos.

Virgin Hyperloop cofounder Shervin Pishevar has taken a leave of absence in light of six sexual harassment allegations – but impressed investors with the speed at which he got out of town.

Russia was officially banned from participation in the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for systemic doping violations. Russians can still compete as ‘neutral’ athletes — in the sense that you can’t tell if they’re men or women.

The Invisible Box Challenge is the latest viral video craze, with users pretending to plant their leading leg on an invisible box, then hopping the box with their trailing leg. It, in turn, spawned the Air Cast Challenge, to see how fast EMTs can apply first aid to torn knee ligaments.

A new General Motors in-car app lets you order Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee while you drive. Several drivers suffered second-degree burns when the drone delivered the coffee through their moonroof.

Pizza Hut is testing beer delivery, as drivers practice telling customers “no, they actually come in four packs.”

Minnesotans can now text 911 for emergency response instead of calling; residents praised the upgrade, saying precious time was lost in emergencies typing “I’m in trouble here, donchaknow..”

A Chinese newspaper in Jilin Province – bordering North Korea – published tips on how to survive a nuclear attack. The first tip was ‘keep buying the Jilin Daily News!’

  • To ensure readers saw the tips, they were printed on the comics page next to Wheel Yankee – China’s favorite daily strip about the mishaps caused by an ignorant American driver.