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A scientist in Cyprus claims to have identified a ‘DeltaCron’ variant of COVID-19, combining Delta & Omicron traits. It has Omicron’s spike proteins and Delta’s blue eyes.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania bowling alley manager was assaulted by customers. The assailants struck the manager 12 straight times, recording a perfect game before fleeing.

NBC Today show anchors Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb both tested positive for COVID-19, as Al Roker asked viewers what variant they were sick with in their neck of the woods.

Take Two Interactive, maker of the Grand Theft Auto videogames, is acquiring Zynga, maker of Farmville mobile video games, for $12.7 billion. They plan to launch Grand Theft Tractor, and bring more drug dealers and prostitutes to the farm.

Demi Lovato debuted a new spider tattoo on the side of their shaved head, writing with the photo that the “grandmother spider.. taught us about poetry and weaving..fire, light and dark”. Doctors are checking to see how much of the ink leeched into her brain.

Four NFL teams fired their head coaches, and each team will begin their search by interviewing the three fired guys who didn’t work for them.

NFL insiders call the day head coaches get fired Black Monday – as opposed to the day new coaches get hired, Caucasian Weekday.

An Arizona software company offers new hires $5,000 if they decide they don’t like the company and want to quit after two weeks. Most workers stay, but the company is trying to do a better job screening crackheads who can code.

Citing poor earnings amidst the pandemic, Lululemon share prices dropped faster than their yoga pants in a porno movie.

PayPal is exploring its own cryptocurrency, which you can use to confuse your friend who will wonder if you really did pay back that money you owed them.

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A new study claims listening to classical music during operations improves surgeons speed and accuracy by 11 percent. A different study claims surgeons listening to gangster rap during operations might just be people stabbing you. [story h/t to AJFS]

Savannah Guthrie was absent from NBC’s Today Show as she underwent surgery to repair her retina, torn when her child struck it with a toy truck. Keep an eye out for her return!

Disney+ announced the first cast members for their ‘Home Alone’ reboot. The plot departs from the original, with parents deliberately leaving their kid home alone while they go on vacation, but it’s okay because he has Disney+.

The New York Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a nine-year, $324 million contract. This, after the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg to a seven-year, $245 million deal. Meanwhile, over a dozen ten-year-olds underwent elbow surgery after their dads saw those numbers and pushed them too far.

Bougainville, a collection of islands in the South Pacific, voted for independence from Papua New Guinea to become the world’s newest country. This is a second chance for the Bougainville bobsledders who just missed making the Papua New Guinea olympic team.

Climate activist Greta Thunberg is Time Magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year – edging out stiff competition from the creators of the “I’mma tell my kids this is” and “I don’t know who needs to hear this” memes.

Fuller House star Bob Saget said he will “always love” embattled co-star Lori Loughlin, and won’t “cut people out.” “Did somebody say ‘cut it out’?” said far less popular co-star Dave Coulier.

A team of professional scientists working for Major League Baseball claim the increase in 2019 home runs was due to lower seams on baseballs, and changes in players’ swing patterns. A different team of drunken bleacher scientists claimed it was because pitchers sucked.

Doctors are more frequently diagnosing Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, HSDD, a reduced sex drive and associated distress affecting one in ten women. Treatments include FDA-approved drug, Addyi, as well as husbands showering and doing the dishes.

Former ESPN reporter Britt McHenry, a contributor to Fox News streaming service Fox Nation, is suing her employer for sexual harassment. Fox responded that all blonde female employees are sexually harassed as part of new-hire orientation.

A Los Angeles court issued an injunction against Netflix, barring the streaming service from poaching employees under contract to Fox Networks. Lawyers for Netflix challenged the ruling, wondering how else they’re going to get more white people to sign up.

 

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Former head of Wikileaks Julian Assange, currently holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London, said that his Internet connection had been cut off. Ecuador’s Ambassador is expected to unplug his modem, wait a minute, then plug it back in to see what happens.

Bridgestone introduced their new Tiger Woods golf ball. They’re the exact same balls that Tiger uses, minus the herpes.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un secretly visited China to meet with President Li Xinping, because the last three guys who tried to deliver his Chinese takeout to Pyongyang were shot at the border.

Former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine has joined the White House press team. She is expected to give White House pool reporters something else to look at while Sarah Huckabee Sanders is talking.

President Trump nominated White House physician Ronny Jackson to head the Veterans Administration, replacing David Shulkin. A press conference has been called to introduce Jackson, where he is expected to greet reporters, then resign.

Today show host Savannah Guthrie apologized for cursing live on-air. She didn’t realize her mic was live when she said “oh sh*t.” Later on Twitter she wrote “..So sorry guys, Thanks for being kind and understanding. You f*ckers are the best.”

A security gap in gay dating app Grindr is giving its users’ location to more prospective dates than they requested. It’s the first time a dating app plans to charge extra for a security flaw.

Frank S. Page, a Southern Baptist minister and CEO of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Executive Committee, resigned from his post after admitting to a “morally inappropriate” relationship. He declined to mention what the relationship entailed, but his pet goat was not made available for comment.

A new study concludes that single people who had bariatric weight loss surgery found increased rates of marriage and new relationships. However, for married people, extreme weight loss surgery coincided with increased rates of divorce and lost custody of the good snacks.

According to guidelines from the World Health Organization, the average U.S. child’s Easter Basket contains over a month’s worth of sugar, and a year’s worth of middle-aged adult depression from sugar crashes.

A restaurant in Vancouver fired a waiter for being rude to customers. The waiter, Guillaume Rey, filed a discrimination lawsuit, claiming that he’s not rude, he’s just French. A judge ordered Rey to appear in court, and Rey made fun of his order.