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The American Academy of Opthalmology reports pinkeye can be an early indicator of COVID-19 infection – an opinion shared by the American Academy of Ass-Eaters.

3.28 million workers applied for unemployment benefits last week – spiking both the unemployment rate and boring stories from grandparents who say they never called in sick, ever.

Men are 50% more likely to die from COVID-19 infection, since they won’t ask directions to testing sites.

The $2 trillion federal stimulus package suspends student loan payments for six months, which probably makes it a full year when tacked on to your lazy slacker kid’s repayment record.

AMC movie theatres laid off all 600 corporate employees. If you’d like to donate $10 to a relief fund, you’ll get a small popcorn – same as usual.

The Great Barrier Reef just experienced its most widespread bleaching event on record. It’s killing the corals, but sea turtles are just relieved it’s disinfected.

Media regulator Ofcom claims microwave oven usage slows down wifi signals. They advise you to heat pizza rolls first, then start your porno movie.

Idaho’s governor approved a new law making 16 the minimum age for people to get married in the state, leaving Idaho wedding planners holding the bag on thousands of dollars worth of Paw Patrol-themed wedding decorations.

  • “Great, now we have to get bus tickets to Mississippi” said a couple of hopeless romantic 12-year-olds.

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late wildlife expert Steve Irwin, married Chandler Powell in Queensland’s Australia Zoo. The second-hardest part was holding the ceremony during COVID-19 lockdown; the hardest part was getting the orangutans into bridesmaid dresses.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that the state’s social distancing efforts may be working to slow the spread of COVID-19.  Hot New York City chicks say it’s also working to ghost their soon-to-be-ex-boyfriends.

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Little Caesars is offering free delivery all this week. However, it’s the first time health officials have advised ‘social distancing’ from terrible pizza.

Nintendo is delaying some physical-copy shipments of new community-building game Animal Crossing: New Horizons, while they add new gameplay where nobody in the community gets anything done for at least two months. 

A new viral video craze, ‘the coronavirus challenge’ has emerged, with young people licking doorknobs and toilet seats. This is different from the coronavirus challenge among older people – not dying. 

The European Union is urging Netflix to stop showing video in high definition to keep the Internet stable. In other news, ‘cam girls’ welcome the switch to standard definition streaming since it saves them money on makeup. 

Ivanka Trump urged parents to share fun ways to spend time with their children, like ‘having the nannies put on a show’, ‘watching your servants disinfect the house’, and ‘cheering as grampa insults asians’. 

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx shared a surprise quarantine photo with his family. Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars shared a surprise quarantine photo hooked up to his ventilator. 

Formula 1 Racing’s Monaco Grand Prix has been canceled, after Prince Albert tested positive for COVID-19. Prince Albert will be in a can indefinitely. 

Scientists identified a new species of shark in the West Indian Ocean – six-gill sawsharks.  They have long snouts, external teeth and feelers, and were discovered auditioning for a terrible new movie on SyFy Channel.

Donald Trump will no longer shake hands. He’ll also no longer kiss babies, unless he buys another beauty pageant. 

Westfield Malls announced it’s closing all of its locations, with the exception of “essential” retail outlets. Mall officials will meet with a contingent of douchebags to assess whether Hot Topic will stay open.