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France reelected President Emmanuel Macron, defeating far-right candidate Marine Le Pen, who is going back to Le Drawing Board.

Maci Currin, a 6-foot 10-inch tall Texas teenager with the Guinness record for World’s Longest Legs at 4-feet 5-inches, has joined Only Fans, so that old creeps can answer the question ‘Do they go all the way up?’.

Fitbit is offering deep discounts for fitness trackers this Mother’s Day, for those looking to kickstart Mom’s fitness plans and also kickstart the end of their marriage.

A huge wildfire is raging in southwest Nebraska. Officials are trying to summon a tornado to put it out.

A Texas food delivery company is offering $10,000 for someone to do taste tasting in June & July and become the company’s Chief Taco Officer. They’ve received 75,000 applications from neighboring Mexico.

119-year-old Kane Tanaka of Japan, the World’s Oldest Person, died. She was memorialized in a statement from the World’s Second Oldest Person, who then died.

Health officials in Congo report a new outbreak of Ebola. They’re doubly concerned because of the refusal of fruit bats to get vaccinated.

The first all-private team of ‘space tourist’ astronauts aboard the International Space Station will undock from the station and begin their trip home. They’re now pre-boarding military personnel and those who need a little extra time to get settled.

Amber Fillary broke her own world record by swimming 295 feet, 3 inches beneath the ice of a frozen Norwegian lake. She surfaced by breaking through the ice with her nipples.

A North Carolina woman whose doorbell camera alerted her to activity on her front porch saw that a snake had slithered in front of the camera. When she got to the porch, the snake had left behind a brochure for replacement windows.

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The latest winner of the James Dyson Award for innovation converted rotting and expired crops into renewable energy. The runner up converted rotting and expired crops into Taco Bell menu items.

Scientists testing 75 sunscreens found they all contained a cancer-causing chemical: Diet Coke.

Fitbit is introducing snoring & noise detection to its sleep tracking metrics, and will also count the steps once you’re kicked out of bed and walk to the couch.

Bill Cosby was denied parole because he refuses ongoing therapy for sexual predators. That, and he tried putting Tylenol PM in the therapist’s tea.

Some Nest Learning Thermostats are reportedly shutting off air conditioning units after their latest software update. The update, version 6.1.1-2, was code-named “Yeah? Well it’s STILL too damn cold in here.”

An alligator was spotted in the Susquehanna River in northern Pennsylvania. The alligator is described as being 3 to 4 feet long, and extremely lonely.

Studies of Mediterranean ants show the worker ants will carry their queen to far-away nests to mate, as a way of avoiding inbreeding. Conversely, Mississippi ants are fine with inbreeding, since the kids are only going to do manual labor anyway.

Kroger will give away $5 million to people getting COVID-19 vaccinations at their stores. The winners funds will be loaded on to a shoppers club card that’s paired with the microchip in the vaccine.

The COVID-19 virus variant originally found in India has been identified in Oregon. The Indian buffet also offers five other variants.

Kim Kardashian blamed flunking the ‘baby bar’ exam on COVID-19 – which, coincidentally, was her score on the 800-point test.

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‘Entourage’ creator Doug Ellin accused HBO of “hiding” the show amidst a “wave of PC culture”. HBO execs dispute his claim, saying they’re hiding the show amidst “embarrassment”.

Louisiana GOP state representative Ray Garofalo said Louisiana schools need to teach “the good side of slavery.” The session was paused so confused Louisiana legislators could be told what “school” is.

Republican Orange County, California Supervisor Don Wagner asked the state’s health director if vaccines have tracking devices in them, drawing laughter. Wagner insisted he was just trying to debunk wild claims about tracking, and about a mutating virus that kills people.

Federal agents executed search warrants on Rudy Giuliani’s home & office. It’s unclear what items were taken, but agents spent the rest of the day washing black hair dye off their hands and clothing.

Joe Biden gave his first address to a joint session of Congress, opening his speech “with the first overall pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select..”.

India continues to break records for COVID-19 deaths, causing mass cremations of the deceased. The U.S. government has committed to provide much needed aid, sending vaccines, oxygen tanks, ventilators, and firewood.

Dr. Dre was ordered to pay $500,000 to estranged wife Nicole Young as part of their ongoing divorce. The payment may take a while, because, in accordance with hip-hop law, Dre must fly the bills out of his left palm with his right thumb.

After 17 years, newly-emerging BroodX cicadas were spotted in Quakertown, Pennsylvania…asking directions on how to get to New York or Philadelphia.

Fitbit is offering discounts on all their fitness trackers for Mothers Day. So go ahead, buy your wife or Mom a Fitbit and see how that goes.

VP Kamala Harris and Speaker Nancy Pelosi “elbow bumped” on the dais prior to Joe Biden’s address to Congress. They settled on the elbow bump after Harris tried, and failed, to get Pelosi to learn the 10-step secret handshake she created for the occasion.

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Fitbit is updating its Charge 4 fitness tracker to measure blood oxygen levels, and, presumably, oxygen levels in the drawer where you left it.

The first doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine arrived in Iowa, as farmers fought to get their cows to the front of the line.

Johnson & Johnson announced they expect a COVID-19 vaccine for children around September. Unlike their adult treatment, the children’s vaccine is two doses – a COVID vaccine, and a powerful sedative given before it to prevent meltdowns.

Google says it won’t use new ways of tracking user activity on the web, adding that they know pretty much everything they need to know about you already.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover deployed its wind sensor. Mars is 80 degrees below zero, but the “real feel” temp for Martians is 120 below with the wind chill.

A cuttlefish passed a cognitive development test designed for human children. The cuttlefish’s mother then demanded that it be assigned to the gifted school.

Texas announced plans to fully reopen the state and end a face mask mandate, following intense lobbying from Senator Ted Cruz, whose wacky Spring Break hijinks movie begins filming this week on South Padre Island.

Microsoft introduced Mesh, a new virtual reality meeting platform designed to share 3D imagery. So far they’ve booted dozens of male holograms for exposing themselves.

Dolly Parton received her first dose of the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine, and sang a version of her hit ‘Jolene’ changed to ‘Vaccine’. She plans to also release ‘Virus In the (Blood) Stream’, ‘I Will Always Stick You’, and ‘9 to 5′ – How Long You’ll Wait In Line’.

The Washington Football Team will not have cheerleaders in 2021, choosing instead to field a Coed Dance Squad, in order to create an environment where all genders and orientations can be objectified and harassed.

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Fitbit introduced a new $330 smartwatch – designed to be the most expensive thing you leave on top of your dresser.

Nikki Haley addressed the Republican National Convention, saying “black lives are valuable” – referencing the handful who might actually vote for Trump.

McDonald’s is introducing Spicy Chicken McNuggets – the first new McNuggets flavor since they were introduced in 1983. They’ll be made with cayenne peppers, chili peppers, and possibly chicken.

A group of Krispy Kreme employees glazed a donut 25 times just to see what would happen. What happened was the donut was too heavy to be held in a paper bag, and every customer watching them demanded a dozen.

KFC has dropped its “finger lickin’ good” slogan amidst the global pandemic, as though it’s COVID-19 making customers sick and not the food.

Singapore’s waterfront is home to the world’s first floating Apple store. It’s also home to the first shoplifting ring that offers swim lessons.

The cartoon frog that appears in Google weather forecasts now wears a face mask. He’s been dropping some weight so now he also carries a fly swatter.

A bride & groom who canceled their wedding reception due to COVID-19 donated the unused food to a homeless shelter. However, shelter residents were annoyed at not getting their food until they did the electric slide.

Ole Miss – University of Mississippi football – announced their plans to limit in-person attendance to 25% of capacity at football games. They’ll only give tickets to Mississippians with a full set of teeth.

Women on TikTok are encouraging men to wear ‘short shorts’ with a 5-inch inseam. They claim it shows off men’s legs and makes them appear taller; it also makes it easier to tell who has a penis longer than 5 inches.

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The University of California system will phase out SAT & ACT test requirements, over claims the tests are biased against minorities and rich white dopes.

Authorities in Delaware arrested a man for the alleged sexual assault of ponies. The case was turned over to SHAVU – Special Horse Assault Victims Unit. [story h/t to N.K.]

A 31-year-old woman claims she and her two young children were ‘hunted’ at a Target location by three men who parked behind her in a windowless van. She then posted safety tips to other young moms who may be Target Targets. 

Some scientists believe strong strains of cannabis can prevent or treat COVID-19. And by “scientists”, they mean guys in their parents garage making a ventilator with a bong attachment. 

Netflix will begin purging subscribers who haven’t used the service in a year. Comcast said they have no similar plans, since they collect millions billing dead people. 

In a Philadelphia suburb, women in a Facebook group ‘Fairy Dust’ each other – leaving anonymous gift bags filled with treats on porches as random acts of kindness. Men can’t participate, after repeated warnings against leaving pics of their Fairy Wand in bags. 

Fitbit launched a COVID-19 early detection study via the Fitbit app. If their tracker detects symptoms, they’re advised to take 10,000 steps toward a hospital. 

IKEA released multiple sets of plans to build homes for bees, to sustain their dwindling populations. They advise patience while the queen bee tells you you’re taking too long to finish making it. 

Crayola released a new 32-crayon ‘Colors Of The World’ box, with shades better representing diverse skin tones of people throughout the world. “Delicious!” said kids. 

Donald Trump complained that Fox News is “doing nothing” to help him get reelected. Meanwhile, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and others are doing their part to help Joe Biden get elected, by not airing quotes from Joe Biden. 

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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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A park in Central Florida is closed during snake mating season, as snakes form ‘breeding balls’ where multiple males mate with a single female. While people can’t watch in person, Florida Fish & Game officials are making it available for $9.95 on pay-per-view.

An Oregon comedian was fired for illegally fleeing the MS Westerdam cruise ship, which is quanantined with coronavirus. Several passengers have developed a dry, persistent hack, and also describe the comedian as a dry, persistent hack. [Story h/t to Dave P.]

During the Democratic Presidential Debate, Elizabeth Warren accused Mike Bloomberg of calling women “fat broads” and “horse-faced lesbians”. Bloomberg then asked Warren how she was able to read his old employee performance reviews.

Researchers have devised a way to use discarded McDonald’s cooking oil as a plastic resin in 3D printers. They hope that one day it can be used to improve amputees lives by 3D printing prosthetic limbs that smell like french fries.

Kelly Ripa discussed her recent decision to stop drinking alcohol. “I felt better, so I just stopped.” Her decision has inspired thousands of others who now feel better because they just stopped.. watching ‘Live with Kelly & Ryan’.

Fitbit trackers may soon be updated to detect sleep apnea. When someone snores in the middle of the night, the Fitbit on their spouse’s wrist will track the number of punches they throw to get them to stop.

Cord-cutting accelerated in 2019, as more & more Americans cancelled their cable video service. Comcast said they welcome cord-cutting, and will assist their customers in doing so by selling them a pair of wire cutters for just $149.

Walmart denies asking a woman and her 22-year-old autistic son to leave a Pennsylvania store because the non-verbal son was making loud noises. The mother claims a worker told them he was disturbing customers’ shopping and other employees’ sleeping.

Croydon, New Hampshire fired its only policeman at a town meeting, telling him to surrender his patrol car and uniform. He did, leaving the meeting wearing only boots, a hat and his underwear. Police in the next town over were called to investigate a man who robbed a Croydon 7-Eleven wearing only a hat, boots and underwear.

The jury in the Harvey Weinstein trial entered the third day of deliberations, equalling the amount of time women deliberated over whether they should have sex with a rich guy as disgusting as Harvey Weinstein.

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Donald and Melania Trump filed official paperwork to change their state of residence from New York to Florida. Meanwhile, Barron arrived home after school to an empty apartment.

The Tulsa Remote program offers $10,000 grants to remote and digital workers who move to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The only requirements are that you be 18 or older, have a full-time job, and have given up on your dreams.

Washington Redskins player Trent Williams said he had a tumor removed from his skull, against the advice of team doctors who said he should avoid surgeries and wait for the concussions to shrink it.

Chick-fil-A apologized for an email sent to customers promoting National Sandwich Day, which falls on Sunday, when Chick-fil-A is closed. They also apologized for using email, which they believe is a tool of the devil.

Today is World Vegan Day. Restaurants are offering free vegan items to customers who want to try the food they insult people for eating.

Google is acquring Fitbit. Google’s Assistant is considering quitting instead of answering “How Many Steps Have I Taken?” for the zillionth time.

Kohl’s announced their Black Friday deals early – to the delight of everyone looking for a Mom Jeans Doorbuster.

Over 500 Dressbarn stores began their going-out-of-business discounts . All sales – and the dumpy, dateless look that goes with ’em – are final.

3M Company announced the teen winners of its Young Scientist Challenge. First place went to the inventor of a new liquid bandage; second place to the designer of a magnet-powered commuter railway, and thousands of Honorable Mentions to volcanoes.

A couple made an ‘Alien’-inspired short film as a gender reveal, with pink streamers popping out of the mom’s abdomen to say it’s a girl. The sequel will take place when the girl emerges from her lower abdomen via c-section.