By |

Great Britain raised its virus threat level for COVID-19, from ‘Pish-posh’ to ‘Good heavens!”

Democrats unveiled a bill meant to avoid a government shutdown, but Republican Mitch McConnell said it omitted farm aid. “That’s because those concerts sucked” said Dems.

Police conducted the largest fentanyl bust in Delaware history, seizing drugs with a street value of $5 million. “Now what’re we gonna do for fun?” asked Delawareians.

A man was arrested for throwing construction debris on New York City subway tracks, causing a derailment. Although Brooklyn hipsters getting off the derailed train were happy to collect the old bricks and distressed wood.

Donald Trump said that his upcoming Supreme Court nominee will be a woman. He’ll announce it Friday or Saturday, after reviewing Playboy’s ‘Women Of The High Court’ issue.

The CDC said trick-or-treating during the pandemic is “high risk”. Trick-or-treaters say handing out candy corn or fruit is “high risk” for getting your house egged.

Australian officials are struggling to save hundreds of pilot whales stranded on sandbars and shallow water – and that’s not even counting the thousands of angry passenger whales.

NASA published its Artemis Plan, which includes landing the first woman on the Moon in 2024. The centerpiece of the plan is using the next four years to heat the Moon to 80 degrees.

Sizzler steakhouses declared bankruptcy. In a statement, the CEO acknowledged the decision was like their steaks – tough.

Hillary Clinton is launching a podcast. So, I guess that makes everybody.

By |

Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.